Lifting Fog
by Mrnickmiller
Summary: Nick and Jess try to navigate their break up with difficulty. Will new relationships threaten to tear them apart or reveal some undeniable truths?
1. Chapter 1

_Nick turned his head to look at the girl beside him, she had a woollen blanket pulled up past her chest, moonlight bouncing off her smooth cheeks and shoulders, flecks of sand in her hair which flowed over his arm and the type of lazy smile on her face that only comes after making love. She was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. He wondered how long it would be before he staring crossed the line from romantic to creepy._

_"I can't believe we just did that on the beach Nick. I think that is officially the wildest thing I've ever done."_

_"It was officially the most amazing thing I've ever done." He replied smoothly eliciting a smile from her as she chuckled and ran her hand over his chest, seeming to enjoy the new found freedom to touch him however and whenever she wanted. _

_He ran his fingertips up her forearm as she snuggled into him, feeling small goose bumps breaking out all over her skin._

_"You cold?"_

_"A little, I guess that's what happens when you're outside...and naked."_

_"Oh...hang on...I got you something today."_

_He wriggled beneath her to get himself into an upright position, as he stood he watched her hug the blanket around her to protect what little modesty she had left and run her fingers through her hair roughly trying to shake the sand out. He always wondered if she knew just how cute she was. As he rummaged round the front seat of her car he could feel the cool air running over his back and decided a shirt was probably a good idea. Walking back to her in his boxers and his now not-so-white dress shirt, he noticed her eyes running over him from head to toe and her mouth fall open just a little and it felt incredible. She wanted him, it was actually possible she wanted him as much as he wanted her - no wait, that wasn't possible. Settling back next to her on their makeshift bed he handed her a paper bag folder over at the top._

_Furrowing her brow with a smirk she pulled out her gift and laughed heartily as she proudly held against her torso a bright blue, oversized t-shirt of a cartoon cat wearing a sombrero._

_" I saw it and I thought you would think it was cute."_

_Pushing her arms in the sleeves she pulled it over her head, her smile never wavering. _

_"Ha I love it!"_

_Arranging it over her waist she stroked her hands down the front of it and leaned over to kiss him. As he grabbed her face to intensify the kiss she wrapped her arms round his neck using the weight of her body to push him back down on the blanket covered sand. Snuggling back into the crook of his neck they resumed their earlier position with Jess now feeling a little warmer. She closed her eyes and smiled as he pressed his lips against her forehead._

_"I know it's silly I just thought it would be nice to have something to ...you know...remember this trip."_

_"I'll never forget a second of this Nick."_

* * *

Nick looked at the wristband in his hand, amazed at how a small strip of green plastic could evoke such vivid memories. Not that he had forgotten, repressed was probably a more accurate term, self-preservation was probably a better one. He placed the band back on the pile of miscellaneous bits and pieces he had pulled out of his draw. Assuming it had all been left in there intentionally he picked up the pile and moved towards the trash can.

"Wait!"

Nick stopped and turned to Jess, startled by her voice. She set the box she was holding down on the bed and moved towards him, stretching her hand out tentatively before pulling it away with uncertainty.

"Can I...I um ...I wanna keep that." She said almost weakly, like she was unsure of what he would say or how he would react.

As the room fell silent, Schmidt who had been fixing the new bed frame together, took his cue to leave. No excuses he just got up and left them to it. Nick stepped towards her and handed her the wristband, the gesture fraught with emotion which threatened to push them both over the edge.

"Thanks"

"You're welcome."

"So...I think this is the last of it."

Nick glanced at the solitary box of her stuff sitting on his bed and briefly regarded his room which now felt devoid of colour. The sunshine had officially been blotted out of it once again, that familiar fog he hoped he would never see again creeping back in. Finally he allowed his eyes to settle on hers which were now moist with unshed tears as she still clutched the wristband tight in her palm.

"I don't know what to say Nick"

"Me either"

"The thing I want to say to you I can't say...not any more...but I want you to know that I do. I still do."

Nick blinked a single tear down his cheek, a tear he swore he would never let her see.

"I do too."

Nick's voice broke but before she had the chance to see his face crumble he pulled her into his arms in a tight embrace. He knew this was the last chance he would get to do this for a long time. The pain in his chest was unbearable as he pulled her close, he could feel her fingers clawing against his back as she clutched at his t-shit. Neither able to bring the other one close enough.

Finally Jess pulled back grasping his face in both hands.

"Nick I need you to know that this...what we had ...it was..."

"I know"

There were no words. There was nothing left for them to say. She kissed his forehead and he sighed and closed his eyes, then she picked up her box, faced her bedroom and she walked away.


	2. Chapter 2

Jess shook the dice in her hand and blew on it, she was never quite sure why she did that, she is pretty sure her Dad used to do it. She held her hand out to throw it then pulled it back and continued to shake.

"Oh just throw the damn dice Day"!

"Shut up Nick, I have a strategy, leave me alone."

"There is no strategy to throwing a dice Jess, it's a game of chance that's the point."

"Alright, alright"

She threw a one and screwed her face up muttering the best PG cursing that Nick had ever heard which made him laugh a hollow airy sound into his beer bottle.

"You messed up my game Miller."

He stifled a laugh. "What? I didn't do anything."

"You did you got me all wound up."

"Well it wouldn't be the first time."

He smirked at her making her roll her eyes, but he could see the corners of her mouth curling up a little. She looked at him and feigned annoyance while she tried to ignore that his left foot had fallen ever so slightly against hers under the table.

"Ok let's keep it clean people!" Winston interjected breaking their little moment abruptly. "Schmidt it's your turn."

This is what their Saturday nights had been reduced to - board games. Being a alone together was still too much of a challenge for them so two months into their break there had been a vague, non-verbal agreement that their activities would be safe, mundane even, and at all times they would be with at least one of the other guys, preferably Winston. But the fact that Nick could still find a way to slip a flirtatious innuendo into a game of Monopoly was testament to the attraction and temptation that was still thick between them. Still, they fought it because that was what was best. For now anyway.

"Why are we even playing this anyway?" Nick grumbled. "I mean look at Schmidt I think it's safe to say he has this in the bag."

They all turned their heads to a rather smug looking Schmidt who was peering over his mound of fake money with a knowing smile.

"Yeah why don't we just go to the movies or something, I'm too full of pizza and chicken wings and this is making my brain hurt." Coach joined in.

"Oh come on we're just getting started" Schmidt pleaded "Come on I'm getting close to my personal best."

But his voice was drowned out by the sound of wood scraping on wood as they pushed their chairs back and left the table to find their respective shoes, wallets and keys. Schmidt sighed in resignation and gathered his money together placing everything tidily back in the box before following them out the front door.

* * *

Twenty minutes later they were surrounded by the smell of stale popcorn and teenagers on first dates as they stood in line for refreshments. Nick got the same thing every time he came to the movies, he had done since he was a kid. When he got to the front of the queue it would always just roll off his tongue like it was all one word, only in the last year he had got used to tagging Jess' order on the end and without thinking he found himself asking the unimpressed looking teenage boy serving him for peanut M&Ms and a diet coke. He hadn't even realised he had said it until he looked up from the money he was counting in his hand to see the kid placing it in front of him. He turned round like he was concealing some kind of contraband and tried to palm them off on Winston but it was Jess he found standing directly behind him.

"Um I got these by accident...force of habit I guess."

"Oh ...well here let me give you the money for it."

"No don't be stupid Jess it's on me...it's fine...it was just a mistake it's no big deal right"

"Right."

She offered him a half smile as he handed her the sweets but she didn't meet his eyes.

"You ok Jess? You've been a little quiet since we left the loft?"

"Yeah I'm fine, I just realised I haven't been here in a while you know. Not since...since my birthday."

Nick closed his eyes briefly in realisation, dropping his chin down to his chest.

"Right...me either I guess."

Jess' eyes darted around like she was trying to spot somebody she knew but Nick knew she was just trying to keep from crying. He swallowed hard as he fought the memory of that night and how good of a place they had been in back then. He wanted to hold her hand or put his arm round her but he couldn't so instead he offered her some of his popcorn in a feeble attempt to show her that he understood and that he remembered too but that it would be ok, they would be ok.

Jess accepted but inside her stomach was churning, she never understood it was possible to miss someone so desperately that was standing right next to you. She tried not to let herself think too much about times when they were together it was still too raw, but when it was just about smacking her in the face there was no getting around it. The truth was there were memories of their relationship everywhere, everyday. There was no getting away from it, but this one, this one that had taken place in the very theatre they were now walking towards, was one of the tougher ones to swallow.

Nick pressed his hand over the top of his thigh just in case she could see the circular shape that still formed a permanent groove in his pocket. He had followed behind her protectively all the way into the theatre just so she would know he was there for her but before he knew it he was sitting next to her in darkened movie theatre, something that wasn't planned and probably wasn't one of his wisest decisions.

* * *

An hour into the movie Nick found himself physically sitting on his hand to keep from reaching over to hold hers, God he wished he hadn't sat next to her, why did he have to make things harder for himself? Coach had picked the movie and so far it had just been fighting and guns, not nearly enough to keep his mind occupied. Jess had her eyes on the screen but he could tell she wasn't concentrating, when she was focused on something she always got a small crease in the centre of her brow and it was nowhere to be seen, she no more had her mind on the movie than he did. That was until the shooting stopped, the slow music kicked in and the two leads started taking their clothes off.

"You've gotta be kidding me." Nick muttered to himself, shifting in his seat and smoothing his hands nervously over his thighs.

As moaning and heavy breathing filled the air and writhing bodies filled the screen Nick could feel his face heating up and his heart was thudding. Images of being with Jess flashed through his mind and he was sure she knew, he glanced at her and he was positive she knew he was thinking about her, how could she not know. She kept dropping her eyes to her lap and playing with her hands incessantly, she was sitting so far away from him she was almost in Schmidt's lap.

Nick tried desperately to think of anything but Jess but as the sounds of sex filled the darkened room he couldn't get her out of his head. He kept picturing her body underneath his and remembering the sounds she used to make, the things she used to do to him and how amazing it felt. He couldn't handled this, it was too soon for them to be in a situation like this. He had to go.

Before he knew it he found himself in the lobby heading towards the door with Jess chasing behind him.

"Nick...Nick wait!"

He turned, too embarrassed to look her in the eye at first. He buried his hands in his pockets to make himself seem less jittery. She looked embarrassed too, it was like they were both teenagers again discussing the prospect of having sex for the first time.

"Nick are you ok?"

"Yeah I just couldn't really...with the movie"

"Yeah that was a little uncomfortable"

"Look Jess I'm just gonna go."

As he turned to leave she grabbed his wrist to get his attention but he flinched at her touch unintentionally and pulled his arm away.

"I'm sorry I didn't mean to..."

"No I'm sorry I just can't do this right now."

"Do what?"

"I just can't be around right now Jess, I'm sorry. I need to leave"

Jess opened her mouth to speak but it was too late, he had already turned his back and was heading out of the door.

* * *

Jess lay in bed with her eyes wide open, her mind turning over and over much the same way it had done for the past two months. She would try and force her eyes closed but it was like they were spring operated and they would just pop right back open - sleep just didn't come easily any more. Sighing she rolled on to her side hugging her quilt up around her hoping the warmth would eventually send her off to sleep but as she turned to face the door she noticed a crack of light underneath. She knew someone was awake and somehow she knew it was him. Feeling blindly for her glasses she wiggled her feet into her slippers which were settled neatly at the side of the bed and padded towards her door. She could hear rummaging in the fridge as she walked towards the kitchen, it was definitely Nick. When she finally rounded the corner he had settled at the counter and was tucking into some of Schmidt's fancy cheese paired with some pedestrian looking bread that would have made Schmidt furious if he was awake to see it right now.

"Hey Nick"

"Hey" Nicked replied sheepishly like he was about to be scolded for something.

He pushed his plate towards her as she sat down offering her some of his snack but she shook her head politely.

"Look Jess I'm sorry about earlier I just got a little ...worked up"

"Nick it's ok"

"It's just hard, it's hard for me not to think of you like that any more. I know it's' not ok but I can't just switch it off Jess I'm sorry."

"Nick you don't need to apologise, It's not like it was comfortable for me either I mean...I still think about it too"

"You do"

"Of course I do"

Their eyes locked with an intensity that used to only mean one thing but now they had to force themselves to look away and break the connection.

"Besides if these flannel sheep pajamas are turning you on too much I can always sleep in a ski suit."

He laughed and it felt nice, his whole face lit up when he smiled but there was still a sadness in his eyes. As their gaze fixed on one another again she knew it was time for bed and she pushed her chair back and turned to leave when the sound of his voice stopped her.

"I miss you Jess."

She didn't dare turn around, she knew he wasn't expecting her to. It wasn't a question, there was no expectation attached to it, it was something he just simply needed to say.

"I miss you too."


	3. Chapter 3

Jess sat with her head resting on her chin watching her class as they sat in silence except for the sound of thirty pencils scratching furiously over multiple choice boxes. It wasn't a schedule test, it was punishment for their overpowering hyperactivity which had had her tearing her hair out ten minutes ago. Maybe she had been a little harsh but they were testing her patience. The truth was a lot tested her patience these days, there was always an undercurrent of anxiety now that she couldn't seem to shake. She wanted to yell at them _'don't you know what I'm going through?'_ but she knew that wouldn't achieve very much at all, well maybe getting fired but that would be about it.

She would always come into her class with a bounce in her step, she felt like if she was in a great mood they would be too and they would be ready to learn, plus it's easy to give off that vibe when you're happy and in love. Not so much when you're mending a broken heart - that bounce just wasn't there any more.

She had to get herself out of this funk, her kids didn't deserve it. She didn't want them to grow up and talk about that teacher they'd had when they were little who had her heart broken and turned into a reclusive, miserable old witch with holes in her clothes and unwashed hair. She banged her palms flat on her desk, a little harder than she intended causing all her kids to jump back in their seats and stare at her with a flicker of fear on their faces. That was something she definitely hadn't seen before and after she rode out the ten second power trip that accompanied it, she came back to earth and ordered them to follow her outside. They were having class on the football field in the sunshine today.

* * *

At first, the days alone in the loft had made Nick into his own worst enemy as he maddeningly over-analysed every single thing that went wrong between him and Jess and what he could have done to stop it. He had spent days drinking beer, not showering, schlepping around the loft in his pyjamas until around 4pm when he would muster the energy to at least get changed so he could make out to the guys like he had done something with his day to deflect all the questions and looks of concern.

Now as he sat eating his breakfast in silence he realised that, in a small way, he kind of liked it, preferred it even. As much as he could never even conceive of not having Jess in his life, being around her made their distance painfully apparent. They had agreed to keep living together, to make it work, somehow. But truthfully he worried that being around her everyday and not be able to touch her or kiss her would drive him slowly insane. When he was on his own it was the only time he truly had a clear head, time to try and make sense of everything - although he hadn't quite mastered that one yet.

He still found himself glancing at the clock and counting down until 4.30 when she would walk through the door and his day would really begin. Even in the two and a half months that had gone by he hadn't managed to break the emotional routines she had instilled in him. He would still set his alarm for 7am even though she was no longer in his room to hear it, he would still put toothpaste on her toothbrush absent-mindedly and then have to flick it off into the sink before she came into the bathroom and he still felt the urge to say 'I love you' after every time he said goodnight.

He needed something to occupy himself, something that allowed his mind to spend at least one minute of the day being absorbed in something other than her. Swallowing his last mouthful of cereal, he pushed his bowl away with a sudden surge of determination and disappeared to his bedroom, returning to the table with his laptop tucked under his arm. He wasn't going to overthink it, he wasn't going to take it seriously he was just going to write something, anything and make himself smile even if it was the only smile it ever brought to anyone's face.

* * *

Jess watched her kids leave the class talking and smiling to one another and she felt a lot better about things. She was the vice principal now she couldn't let her personal life have that much affect on how she functioned at work. Her mind turned to Nick once again and she knew how guilty he would feel if he thought she was screwing up at work because of him. But he didn't know, it was just another part of the _'I'm ok'_ act she put on everyday to keep the peace in the loft. She snapped out of her reverie as her phone started to ring, vibrating harshly against the wood of her desk. With her hands full of pencils and marker pens she hovered over it to see who it was. She hastily threw the pens in the box with a clatter when she saw the name flashing on the screen. It was possibly the last person she was expecting.

"Bonnie hi" Jess hoped she sounded more excited that shocked.

"Oh hi sweetie, you're not at work are you?"

"No I'm done for the day, how are you?"

"I'm good dear, I'm good, listen I can't seem to get hold of Nicky he isn't answering his phone and I know you two are joined at the hip so I though I would call you instead..."

Jess furrowed her brow not quite sure how to take Bonnie's comment but the conversation had already moved on before she could say anything.

"...I just wanted to know where you guys will be staying for the wedding?"

"I'm sorry?"

"The wedding...in August. Nicky said he wasn't sure what you guys were doing yet, he had said he might take you to a hotel in the city with the house being so crowded and all and ...well I guess I'm just calling to talk you out of it."

"Bonnie we're not..."

"I know, I know, the house will be full of people but I would love you guys to stay with me. I really would. It's a wedding and it's a time for family you know."

"Bonnie..."

"Please just promise me you'll ask Nicky. I miss having him around and I like to spend as much time with you guys as I can. Will you ask him?"

"I'll talk to him Bonnie."

"Thank you dear, I'm so looking forward to seeing you two kids. You take care honey."

"I will, see ya."

* * *

Jess raised her knee, resting her books on them as she tried to open the door to the loft, piling through the door she was a mass of rustling papers and swinging bags. Swinging her foot behind her she kicked the door shut with a little too much vigor sending her ungraded test papers sailing across the floor.

"Dammit" she huffed to herself as she dropped her bags to the floor in annoyance bending down to pick up the mess she had made. As she rifled round the floor a pair of feet appeared in front of her, then knees, then a waist, then his face. She heard his knees crack as he bent down and watched his familiar hands rummaging round on the floor collecting her papers. She paused, watching him as he helped her. She noticed the muscles in his neck straining as he moved around, the gap at the back of his collar as he bent his head down giving her a view of the smooth patch of skin in between his shoulder blades, the spot she used to kiss when she lay behind him at night. She noticed a small furrow in his brow that he never seemed to be free from these days and dark circles under his eyes, it seemed he was getting about as much sleep as she was. As he extended his hand towards her with the papers clutched in between his fingers she realised she was still staring at him. She stood quickly casting her eyes down to the floor and adjusting her glasses nervously.

"Thanks" she spoke quietly, the nerves making her voice crack.

"You're welcome."

"I have a lot of grading to do tonight, I think I'll be burning the midnight oil."

"So I see."

Nick followed her to the couch and placed his half of the papers where she had placed hers. As they raised their heads simultaneously they both smiled at each other, still not quite sure where to comfortably take the conversation. Jess had some small talk ready on the tip of her tongue but as she cocked her a head a little to the side she could see his laptop perched on the table. She hadn't seem him with it in months.

"Nick are you writing something?"

"That ..no...well yeah but...it's nothing, it's stupid, I was just bored"

"It's not stupid at all, it's great!"

"You think?"

"Of course! You wanna join me on the couch when I work? We could get a little creative corner going."

They smiled again for a little longer this time and the tension started to diffuse.

* * *

A couple of hours later they both found themselves sunk into the sofa, Nick with his feet on the coffee table, his laptop balancing on his knee which was now being used to play a cheeky game of Tetris in between chapters. Jess sat cross legged surrounded by a sea of papers which now had her red hand writing scrawled all over them with a few smiley faces to make it seem less angry. Somehow she had actually managed to grade them as her mind ran overtime thinking about her conversation with Bonnie.

On the way home she had thought maybe she would let it slide, maybe when it came to Nick and his Mom it just wasn't her business anymore. But as she glanced at him she wondered what was going on in his head, he didn't tell her anymore. She had never seen him open up to the guys, not in any real, cathartic way and as much as the guys loved Nick they were walking on eggshells with this whole break up, they had no idea what they were allowed to ask so they had kept quiet. She couldn't bear the thought of Nick taking all of it on by himself, he had spent his whole life doing that and she didn't want him to put back up the walls it had taken her so long to break down. Before her head could object she started to speak.

"Hey Nick can I ask you something?"

"Sure"

"Why does your Mom think that we're still together."

She could see panic flickering over his face as his eyes went wide.

"What? How...?"

"She called me...to ask me something about Jamie's wedding...which she still thinks I'm going to."

"Did you...?"

"No, I didn't really get a chance to and it's not my place Nick you have to tell her."

"Look it's not a big deal Jess I just haven't gotten round to it yet"

"It's been over two months Nick, Why?"

"I just haven't."

"She's your Mom!"

"I know! Would you just drop it Jess!"

He stood to leave but she grabbed his hand.

"I think we should talk about this"

"I don't want to talk about it. I just haven't told yet. That's it. I just haven't."

"Why?"

"Because I'm not ready!"

She had touched a nerve, it was the first time since they had broken up that she saw him start to lose his temper.

"Look Nick I'm not going to force you but she's your mother and I think it would be good for you to talk to her. I worry that you're keeping this all to yourself and I don't want you to go through stuff on your own."

"I'm fine Jess. We're fine Jess, we're dealing with this ok aren't we?"

"I'm not. I'm sure as hell not dealing with it all on my own. I talk to my Mom and Cece all the time about it. I just...I just think you should talk to someone."

"I don't need to."

"Don't you have someone you can unload on, someone who makes you feel better?"

"Yes I do Jess. You. ...At least it used to be."

The atmosphere had almost become a third person in the room with them it was so intrusive. Jess hadn't meant to take the conversation here, she hadn't meant to hurt him.

"Ok"

"Ok what?"

"Talk to me"

"You don't want to hear it Jess"

"Yes I do. Nick if we want to stay in each other's lives we've gotta be able to talk to each other. We have to or we're gonna drift apart and I can't handle that."

The words were tumbling out of Jess' mouth in a small fit of panic as she tried to hold back the tears.

"Ok, ok. Jess it's ok."

He moved to pull her into his arms instinctively but instead he settled for brushing a tear away with the back of his knuckle.

"The truth is I don't know why I haven't told her Jess. I guess...I guess I just don't like the sound of it. I don't like saying the words, it makes it more real. Does that makes sense?"

"Yeah" She sniffed.

"My Mom is crazy about you Jess...and I know she'll be upset and she'll worry about me and I just can't deal with it now...not with everything else. I will tell her soon. I will."

"I'm sorry Nick, I shouldn't have pushed. I just care about you so much and I want to know you're ok."

She smoothed a hand gently over his stubbled cheek and in that moment she refused to think about the consequences of touching him.

"Well...I'm not...but I will be."

They allowed themselves to be with one another, nobody flinched, nobody pulled away. Jess continued to touch his cheek, her thumb stroking tenderly as his eyes bore into her unwavering. For the first time in a while their silence was fraught with something other than discomfort, perhaps it was acceptance, perhaps it was affection, perhaps it was hope, they couldn't tell but it felt good.

"This beard of yours is getting out of control Miller." Jess sniffed and tried to lighten the moment which was no mean feat these days.

She rubbed at his chin affectionately before finally allowing her hand to fall away.

"I have it on good authority that girls like the way this feels against their skin. A girl told me that once...I forget who it was."

Mockingly he scratched his head in thought as he toyed with her, eliciting a chuckle coupled with a swift jab in the ribs. He made a noise of laughter tinged with pain as Jess moved to the kitchen to grab them both a beer.

For just a while, no matter how fleeting it was, they felt like Nick and Jess again.


	4. Chapter 4

Faintly aware of the sun shining in through the window Nick finally accepted it was morning and began the arduous task of trying to pries his eyes open. He raised he eyebrows a few times encouraging his lids to lift but soon wished he hadn't bothered. Gone were the days when he awoke to Jess' big blue eyes staring into his and a gentle smile playing on her face which immediately made him do the same, no, now he was greet with the sight of an upside down Schmidt as he hung over the side of his top bunk beaming at Nick from ear to ear.

This bunk bed thing had seemed like an acceptable idea to Nick in the beginning, he had hated the fact that Jess was forced to sleep on the sofa every night after refusing the inundation of offers from him to take his bed, but now the reality of rooming with Schmidt again was rapidly starting to wear him down.

"What are you doing Schmidt? How long have you been staring at me like that?" Nick drawled in annoyance as he rubbed the sleep out of his eyes.

"Well it's about time you woke up sleepy head I've been waiting all morning."

"All the blood is running to your head man, you're bright red, sit back up."

"I can't I'm excited, for today is the day of my birth Nicholas, a day that you in particular should be very grateful occurred."

"Come on Schmidt, it's so early."

"I'm sorry I didn't quite hear you."

Nick sighed "I said Happy Birthday buddy"

"That's more like it, now come on, Jess doesn't know it yet but she is making me a delicious birthday breakfast."

Forgoing the ladders Schmidt dropped down athletically from the top bunk landing on his feet like a cat before throwing on his kimono and virtually skipping out of the bedroom.

It was going to be a long day.

* * *

When Nick finally roused himself to follow Schmidt into the kitchen, sure enough there was Jess poised over the stove cooking eggs for everyone, wearing an apron over the little pink robe which he now had to force himself to try and visualise as an oversized potato sack. As he kept his eyes skywards trying desperately to ignore the sight of her long, smooth legs he noticed her turn and beam at him offering him a jovial 'good morning' and some eggs.

Taking a seat at the counter with the other guys he contemplated how good things had been between him and Jess lately. They had been apart for four months now which Nick could still not quite comprehend, but somewhere along the line they had managed to fit themselves back into each others lived again. They still flirted and temptation was still ever present, especially after a long hard day at work, but while the confusion had not lessened all that much, they were still making it work. They were managing to figure each other out in a whole new way, learning to read each other impeccably in order to spare one another the repetitive blows of their separation. It was a true testament to just how well they really knew each other, though neither of them ever mentioned it.

He had spoken to Bonnie and he had been right, there were tears and concerns and desperate pleas with him to try and make it work with her but Jess had been right too, his Mom knew a thing or two about heartbreak and he had never really given her enough credit for her wisdom. He had doubted it in the past because of how much she constantly leaned on him, he saw her as fragile more than anything else but the truth was him Mom had lived and she had loved and she had lost and she was still standing, so she knew what she was talking about and Nick had certainly found enormous comfort and strength in that.

It was with that very strength that he had managed to accept his new found relationship with Jess but that's not to say he was devoid of hope. He still saw that look in Jess' eyes, he felt it when she touched him and until that was gone he would hang on to the tiniest shred of hope that one day they would make it work. Until that day he would take her any way he could get her and thank his lucky stars that when she walked out of his bedroom she hadn't walked out of his life.

As she placed a plate in front of him and scraped the eggs from the frying pan she gave him a small smile and a look, a look she gave him that always made him a little worried she knew exactly what he was thinking about. Feeling slightly exposed he mumbled a thank you and managed to expertly avoid her gaze by reaching for the toast.

Jess still found it mildly amusing when she managed to get him flustered without really doing much at all, she found it so cute but it was his cute moments that provided those distractions that made her doubt herself and her choice not to be with him. So she immediately tried to block it out and move on to something a little less emotionally taxing.

"So Schmidt do you have everything ready for your party tonight? Is there anything you need me to do."

"Thank you, it's all in hand Jessica, this party is going to be immense so I'm going to need all of you to look exceptional which means no plaid Nick!"

Nick rolled his eyes as he shovelled the eggs into his mouth, calmly ignoring Schmidt's rant which continued as a list of rules for the next five minutes straight before he finally disappeared to start beautifying himself.

* * *

As the relaxing lull of the day was replaced by the growing buzz of Saturday night, Nick paced the kitchen with a beer in his hand as he waited for the others to get ready. Despite his long running hobby of winding up Schmidt he had in fact ditched the plaid in favour of a navy dress shirt which he was trying his best not to drip beer down.

It felt good to be going to the bar without being expected to pull a ten hour shift, Mike had got way too used to Nick picking up long, overtime shifts which he had willingly done immediately after the break up just to get out of the loft. He had worked himself into the ground the first few weeks and Mike had started to take advantage of it a little so it felt good to have the night of with Jess and the guys. He had hoped to enjoy a beer with the guys before they headed out but their grooming routines seemed to be getting longer and longer, so much so that Jess beat them to the punch and joined Nick in the kitchen first catching him off guard.

As he turned he almost spat out his beer, she looked incredible, man she really didn't make this easy for him. How had he let someone so beautiful slip through his fingers. He let out a nervous cough as he tried to find the most appropriate way of complimenting her without sounding like he wanted to tear off the dress he was admiring so fondly.

"You uh...you look really nice." He offered meekly, hoping his cheeks weren't as red as they felt, even his ears felt hot.

"Thanks, you look great too. I like that shirt on you."

"Thanks" He looked down at the shirt which she had bought for him and nodded. "You have good taste so..."

She smiled and tried hard to get her eyes to focus on one part of his face rather than roaming up and down his body. Dear God that shirt fitted him well, it was doing funny things to her, as was the scent of his aftershave which was now flooding her nostrils and making her breathing suddenly a little more laboured.

"You want a drink?"

"Uh sure I'll have some wine if we have any left"

"Yeah I think there's half a bottle in the fridge. I saw Schmidt consoling himself with the other half last night when he was crying to himself over getting a year older."

She laughed and allowed her shoulders to relax a little, taking a step toward him and accepting the wine glass he handed to her. A silence befell them save for the glugging sound of the pink wine hitting the bottom of her glass as Nick held the bottle firmly in one hand. He placed the cork back in the the top of the bottle and raised his head to catch her looking at him. She lifted her glass to her mouth to take a sip, her eyes never leaving his. He could feel his lungs grinding to a halt and lending all their energy to his heart which was now pounding against his ribcage. He set the wine bottle down and blindly felt around for his beer, finally raising it to clink his bottle with her glass in a silent cheers as their gaze remained fixed. Both of them recognising something they hadn't see in each other for a long while.

Jess' eyes flickered down to his neck as he took a long sip of his beer, she could see his Adam's Apple bobbing up and down under his efforts, a sight beautifully framed by the tailored collar of his shirt which remained tantalizingly unbuttoned at the top. She took another sip of wine to disguise the large gulp she desperately needed to take as her mouth ran dry. She watched as he lowered his drink and his mouth fell open as though he were about to speak but they were interrupted by Coach and Winston arguing over who had to go and change after a rather unfortunate incident of choosing virtually the same outfit.

"Mine is more expensive Winston and I need to show this baby off, you need to keep that cheap and nasty thing buried deep on your closet."

"I got it first Coach, standard shot gun rules apply now go get changed or you're gonna embarrass me"

A little annoyed at them for breaking his moment with Jess, Nick proposed a simple game of rock, paper, scissors and offered them a drink to shut them up. He turned his attention back to Jess, rolling his eyes at their squabble to try and engage her again but she was already looking away at Coach who was sulking off to his room to change after the defeat of his scissors at the hand of Winston's rock. Winston sipped his drink and smiled triumphantly as he looked back and forth between Nick and Jess completely oblivious.

* * *

Nick would have given anything to walk into the party hand in hand with Jess letting everyone there see that she was his but he had to settle for a hand resting lightly on the small of her back as he guided her through the door in front of him, but that was it, that was all he got and he placed his arms back by his sides reluctantly. He perused the room trying to ascertain how many people he knew and how many people he would be expected to make painful small talk with when all he wanted to do was set up camp in a booth with Jess and the guys for the rest of the night. He knew that soon enough he would lose Fire and Ice to the roomful of new women that lay before them, Schmidt was the birthday boy so he would go off to mingle and Jess would probably disappear with Cece for a little girl time.

Sure enough Coach and Winston barely made it five feet before they gravitated towards some of Schmidt's work colleagues, Schmidt got cornered by his boss whom he came to regret inviting very quickly, so Nick naturally turned to Jess and waited for her to make her exit but she stayed rooted by his side. He glanced at her as she surveyed the room and casually bopped her head to the music.

The music wasn't all that loud yet but he still used it as an excuse to lean unnecessarily close to her.

"So where's Cece tonight?"

"Oh she's not coming, she thought it was a little weird for Buster to come to her ex-boyfriend's birthday party."

"Yeah I get that..." Nick tried to play it cool as his heart leapt. "...So do you know many people here?"

"Not really." She shrugged and turned to look at him, coming to the same realisation he had moments ago.

They smiled at each other nervously, not really sure of their next step.

"You want a drink?" He offered - the perfect ice breaker.

"Yeah sure."

She followed him through the crowd like she had done so many time before, clutching her bag tightly to refrain from reaching to hold his hand and let herself be guided to the bar by him.

* * *

A couple of hours later Nick and Jess found themselves holed up in a booth talking and laughing like there was nobody else in the room. There had been no tension, no awkwardness, no talk of what they were or what had gone wrong. They were completely absorbed by each in a way that was definitely crossing the line into dangerous territory which had not escaped Schmidt who craned his head like a meerkat, looking past his work colleagues to see his best friend sitting hazardously close to his ex-girlfriend.

In the beginning Schmidt had truthfully wanted them to work it out and he tried everything he could think of to get them back together until the complexity that Nick spoke of so frequently became glaringly obvious and then Schmidt couldn't help but think that maybe friendship was the right thing for them. He couldn't be sure, but all he knew was that Nick would always gravitate back to Jess unless he was presented with other options. Schmidt wasn't to be misunderstood, he loved Jess, she was like family and he would have loved nothing more than to see them married and to have played uncle Schmidt to the little blue-eyed, turtle mouthed babies they would have, but above all he wanted Nick to be happy and if Jess couldn't give him that then maybe he needed to lend a helping hand.

Schmidt bided his time and waited for Nick to make a move to the bathroom or the bar, when he did Schmidt suppressed the feeling of guilt that overtook him as he looked back at Jess who was sitting alone and happily staring after Nick, and followed Nick to the bar taking with him a specially selected work colleague to serve as the perfect distraction.

* * *

Nick drummed his fingers on the bar happily as he waited for Bob to fetch him a beer and a wine, unable to wipe away the dopey grin that had completely changed the shape of his face for the last two hours. He was trying not to get his hopes up, he really was but she just made him feel so damn good and he had missed her so much that being with her like this just felt right no matter how hard they tried to fight it. He had made up his mind to enjoy his evening with Jess whatever may come of it. With drinks in hand he turned to return to her but was met by Schmidt and a blonde girl that he didn't recognise blocking his path.

"Nicholas I want you to meet my friend Lauren. Lauren works with me ...well she works in the HR department."

"You work in HR and you're friends with Schmidt? Well I have to assume you're either deaf or don't speak any English...Hi I'm Nick"

Lauren laughed at his joke and extended her hand to meet his as she tucked a stray strand of hair behind her ear with the other, intrigued by the slightly scruffy looking stranger Schmidt had brought before her.

"So how do you know Schmidt?"

"Uh we live together actually."

"Yep it's coming up to our 12 year anniversary" Schmidt beamed, oblivious to the absurdity of the sentence.

Nick sighed and dropped his head in embarrassment. "Schmidt would you please not say that out loud to people"

"It's nothing to be embarrassed about Nick, it's a real honour for you."

"Lauren you gotta be able to pin something on this idiot, a harassment case or something."

She laughed again, a little louder this time, getting Jess' attention from the booth where she still sitting waiting for Nick to return. Suddenly Jess felt her chest constrict as she watched the girl overtly flirting with her ex-boyfriend and she felt a pang of panic that she no longer had the security of knowing he wouldn't do anything about the pretty, blonde women who was hitting on him. Moments later as she saw Schmidt not-so-subtly back away it all clicked into place.

Schmidt was trying to set Nick up with this woman. She felt sick.

* * *

Nick clenched his jaw and gritted his teeth as he watched Schmidt casually disappear into the crowd leaving him obliged by the rules of politeness to stay and talk to Lauren so he didn't seem like an asshole. He turned his head fleetingly back to Jess and saw her look away quickly, avoiding his gaze. He was going to kill Schmidt.

Lauren was pretty and she actually did have some decent conversation but none of it was registering with Nick, he needed to get away and get back to Jess before she got the wrong idea - before she had a chance to rethink the idea of them spending the evening together. He tuned back into Lauren's conversation and desperately tried to find an out.

"So Schmidt was saying you work here."

"Uh yeah...I do."

"Man that must be great having a job that you enjoy with no pressures...and free beer no doubt."

"Yeah I like it, it keeps me sane you know."

"Maybe you could make me one of your signature cocktails sometime?"

"Uh yeah sure..." Nick replied naively as he turned his head again to try and see Jess past the crowd of people.

"Well it sure is a popular bar I haven't even managed to get to the front of the line yet."

That was it - that was his out.

"Oh well here take this wine, I can get another."

"Are you sure?"

"Of course"

Jess looked on uneasily as Nick handed the woman _her_ drink and she felt her heart drop into the pit of her stomach. She knew this wasn't going to be easy but it was harder than she thought to witness it happening. She watched him rest his hand on her upper arm and say something to her, his head leaning into hers, she knew he was just making himself heard over the music but that didn't make it any more pleasant to see. Then he was walking back to her leaving the blonde with a dejected, confused look on her face. An audible noise of relief left Jess' mouth as she watched him return. Why did this have to be so confusing?

* * *

Nick continued to narrow the gap between him and Jess as he balanced the relief of getting back to her with the guilt leaving Lauren standing on her own but before he reached the booth he was once again interrupted by Schmidt who proceed to block his path, folding his arms in disdain.

"Nick what are you doing man?"

"What?"

"Lauren, she asked to meet you, she's clearly into you for some insane reason and you couldn't even crack a smile at her."

"Schmidt don't start."

"Look Nick I know a lot of the girls I work with are a little on the stuck up side but trust me Lauren is one of the good ones, that's why I was never stupid enough to make a move, I'm way to shallow for the likes of her."

"Schmidt it's not that, she seemed very nice I just...I'm not interested."

"Like hell your not, she's gorgeous, has an amazing body, she drinks beer and plays poker what exactly is unappealing to you."

"She's just not..."

"She's not what? She's not Jess?"

"That's not what I was gonna say"

"Yeah but it's what you're thinking I can see it all over your face."

Nick cracked his neck letting out a sigh hoping that his demeanor would be enough to make Schmidt back off but he had no such luck.

"Look Nick I love Jessica you know that and Lord knows I would never do anything to intentionally hurt her but you're my best friend and I'm trying to help you move on. It's been four months since you guys broke up, don't you think it's time to at least consider going on a date with another girl?"

Nick wasn't really in the mood to tax Schmidt's brain with the notion that he would never be ready to consider another girl. Yes it had been four months since he had broken up with Jess but when he closed his eyes and imagined his future she was still all that he saw, whether it made him pathetic and delusional or not. Jess had made her way into every fibre of his being, he had given himself to her completely and he still hadn't got himself back, he wasn't sure he ever would. The concept of ever loving another woman the way he loved Jess was an impossibility, surely any idiot could see that, even Schmidt.

"Not now Schmidt"

"You're gonna get your heart broken again man."

"Nothing has happened"

"Yet..."

Nick pressed his jaw tight together pulling his lips in between his teeth to stop himself from entering into whatever argument Schmidt was trying to provoke.

Instead he simply walked away.

* * *

Nick finally situated himself back next to Jess, his arm draping casually across the seat behind her, she wasn't wearing the same expression he had left her with. Her face was tinged with something that walked a fine line between fear and sadness, something that she was trying desperately to hide with a weak smile. Nick was no genius but it didn't take him long to figure out why the mood had changed.

"She's a friend of Schmidt's"

"What? who?" Jess was terrible at feigning nonchalance.

"Jess"

"Nick you can talk to whoever you want I don't care." The look on Jess' face was betraying whatever small amount of conviction she had in her voice.

"You don't care?"

Silence

"Ok fine I do care, but I don't want to care because I'm not allowed to and it's not fair on you and I have no right to even..."

"Jess...Jess!"

He cut her off in the middle of her frantic ramble and jokingly held her lips together between his thumbs and fingers giving her time to catch her breath. He watched her shoulders drop heavily as she let out one last heavy breath and collected herself, he lowered his hands and took a sip of his beer, smiling down the glass at her as he drank. Jess smiled back at him and raised her hand to his face, wiping away the beer foam from his upper lip with her thumb. She giggled almost nervously as he held her gaze with an inane grin plastered helplessly on his face. She shook her head at him playfully and cast her eyes down under the pressure of his unwavering stare.

"I'm gonna go to the bathroom then I'll go get another drink seeing as you gave mine away to your girlfriend."

"Ok" he laughed, his eyes following her as she climbed out the booth.

She shook her head at him again and chuckled quietly before she disappeared to the bathroom. Nick flopped back against the back cushion of the booth with an audible thump, he ran his hand through his hair unable to wipe the grin from his face. He had a nervous feeling in his stomach but it was that good kind of nervous that teetered on the edge of full on excitement. He hadn't felt this way since they had fled the hotel in Jess' Volvo en route to sunny Mexico a year and a half ago. He knew he was in dangerous territory, he knew he was flirting but she was too. For the first time in a long time Nick allowed himself to imagine that maybe they could recapture a moment like the one they'd had in the hallway after a night of True American and distracting red tutus and purple bras.

As a soft ring tone broke him from his thoughts he padded his palms over his jeans trying to find his phone, quickly remembering it lay uncharged on his bed. Seeing a light emanating from Jess' phone on the table he leaned forward setting down his glass and reached for it, very quickly wishing he hadn't. He felt his heart drop into his stomach as he read the unfamiliar name that flashed up on the screen.

_James_


	5. Chapter 5

Jess sat up in bed pressing the heel of her hand into the corner of her eye socket trying to soothe away the slight wine induced headache that had settled there. Groaning she reached for her glasses to take the blurry edge off everything and squinted as her renewed vision made the light in her room seem a little harsher. Seeing twelve o'clock glowing bright red on her clock she quickly squirmed to get herself out of bed, kicking the covers impatiently as they tangled around her feet. She wasn't entirely sure why she had woken up so late and in such a bad mood, it was probably just the hangover making everything more challenging.

Ignoring the bustling sounds from the kitchen that someone was making she headed for the bathroom, noticing on the way that Nick and Schmidt's door was open and they were both up and out of bed. Since when did Nick get out of bed before her? After pausing momentarily and staring inside the room that had once been theirs she continued on to the bathroom to take a shower.

Finally clothed in a dress that was way brighter and more colourful than she was feeling Jess trudged into the kitchen catching sight of gelled hair and the back of a freshly pressed shirt as she saw Schmidt hunched over his coffee grinder. Suddenly the reason for the irritable morning she was having seemed to slot into place.

"Morning Jess, you want some coffee?"

"No thank you" she retorted in a purposefully sullen tone.

Schmidt turned noticing the absence of her usual morning cheer. "Ok" he responded, drawing out the vowel to indicate his confusion at her stroppy disposition. Hopping on to the chair next to her he took in upon himself to try and break her mood.

"So last night was fun huh?"

"Yeah it was a blast" Jess offered, her statement reeking of sarcasm.

"Jess are you mad at me or something"

"You know what? Yeah I am Schmidt"

"OK, care to enlighten me?"

"How could you push another girl on to Nick right in front of me like that?"

"_THAT'S_ what this is about. Oh come on Jess."

"I'm serious Schmidt, do you blame me for the break up? Are you trying to get back at me or something?"

"This isn't about you Jess, this is about Nick and me helping him to move on. Don't you want that?"

Jess couldn't bring herself to answer him

"You just didn't have to do it like Schmidt, you didn't have to try and pair him off with the first ho you came across while I was sitting ten feet away!"

"You don't know anything about her Jess, she's a nice girl she could be exactly what Nick needs right now." Schmidt recoiled as his words came out a little more insensitively than he had intended

Jess' stomach flipped and not in the good way. _SHE_ was the only person Nick needed. Her queasiness at Schmidt's words interrupted her trail of though so she listened to him continue.

"You can't expect Nick to just sit around and wait for you like some neutered, lovesick puppy Jess. Sooner or later he _IS_ going to meet someone else and if you really are his friend you're gonna have to let it happen whether you like it or not!"

"Of course I'm his friend!"

"Then why can't you let him move on?"

"We just broke up Schmidt."

"Four months ago Jess."

"Why are you pushing this so much? Are you that desperate to get your wingman back?"

"Look Jess I'm sorry that you have to witness all of it, I really am, but I'm tired of seeing Nick so unhappy, I'm his best friend and I'm trying to help him."

"and dating some random person he doesn't know or care about is the answer."

"Well it's working for you Jess."

Jess felt her breath catch in her throat and the red heat of embarrassment flood her face. She should have figured that's what this was about, Schmidt never fought with her like this. She blinked rapidly as her brain worked hard to find the words to explain herself to him but as she followed his wide-eyed gaze behind her she realised he was not the one she was going to have to explain herself to.

"Nick"

* * *

They stood amidst a silence that went on longer than expected, longer than would make any person comfortable. Feeling it's weighty pressure and his presence suddenly unwelcome in the room Schmidt retreated to his bedroom without saying a word, capturing the attention of neither Nick nor Jess as he walked by them.

Jess knew she should speak first, it was the right thing to do but the words wouldn't come. She felt his stare burning a scarlet letter on to her forehead, at least that's how it felt, so she cast her eyes to the floor hoping the wooden panels would somehow give her some verbal inspiration but she was too late.

"James. That's his name right?"

Her head snapped back up at the sound of his voice.

"How do you..."

"He called you last night, in the bar, when you were in the bathroom. I've never heard you mention anyone called James so I figured he was...new."

"I'm so sorry Nick."

"Why are you sorry, you're a free agent right?"

The iciness of his stare and hurt in his face betrayed the rationality of his words.

"I'm not seeing him Nick...I just...it's just been a few dates."

"Don't explain it to me Jess please."

"Nick he's just..."

"I said don't Jess!...please." He clenched his fists trying hard to control the volume of his voice but he couldn't listen to it, his body was rejecting the very notion of it.

"Being around you just hurt so much Nick and he came along and he was just...different. He doesn't know you and he doesn't know about us and it meant that I could stop thinking about you for five minutes"

"And that's what you want? You want it to stop?"

"Nick I..."

"Got it Jess."

"Nick!"

She called after him in vain as the front door slammed in her face.

* * *

Nick sat at the bar cradling his beer the same way he had been doing for the past few hours. He knew that avoiding her wasn't going to solve anything, he knew he was being a coward and running away but in all honesty he would take anything over the pain of being around her and having to listen to her explain how she was falling for another guy. The past few months had hurt like hell but it was only now he realised he had been clinging on to a modicum of hope that eventually they would find their way back to each other. Now all that hope had been replaced by emptiness and a dull ache had taken up residence in the place where his heart used to be. As an image of Jess kissing a faceless man crossed his mind for the thousandth time he threw back another shot of whiskey, chasing it down with his beer and numbing himself to everything around him.

He rubbed his hand harshly over his face noting it had been a few days since he had shaved but didn't really contemplate doing anything about it. He pressed his thumb and finger into his closed eyes rubbing the sting away, he pressed so hard he had to wait for a few moments for the white light to disappear and for his vision to come back into focus. When he did he noticed a group of girls standing next to him at the bar in a space that had been vacant seconds ago, one of them edging slowly in his direction and taking the stool beside him. He didn't turn to look at her but he could see out of the corner of his eye she had blonde hair and was wearing something red and that she was looking right at him. He took another slow gulp of his beer sighing at his disinterest. How easy it would be to turn and talk to her, flirt with her, perhaps kiss her, maybe go back to her place and have sex with her and maybe just maybe forget everything, just for a few hours. He reminisced over a time when he had been able to do that, when it was all just fun and emotions weren't even a factor, nobody fell in love and nobody got hurt.

Soon, soft female tones were starting to drown out the voice in his head, eventually he reluctantly turned to talk to her hoping she would be too insulted by the look of annoyance on his face to bother with him. She was attractive but she wasn't beautiful, he had become very particular about what he considered to be beautiful. It was a word which was thrown round far to easily, he thought to himself, but it was a word he had come to redefine since he met Jess. He squeezed his eyes shut as he pictured her face lying next to him in bed first thing in the morning, it made his heart hurt so much his breathing fell a little uneven. Unperturbed by his broken demeanour the woman continued to talk to him leaning a little more closely in his direction.

"So what do you say champ, you gonna buy me a drink." She cocked her head at him smiling coyly, he bravado suddenly vulgar to him.

Nick grunted gesturing to Bob behind the bar knowing full well he would get the drink for free and he wouldn't have to spend any money on a complete stranger.

"You don't talk much do ya?"

"Guess not"

"I've seen you in here before, you're usually on that side of the bar right?"

She leaned forward pointing casually behind the bar her elbows pushing in to her ribcage to enhance her cleavage. Nick glanced fleetingly before blinking slowly and turning his head away as he did so. He shook his head slightly wondering how something that would have once been so tempting now had no affect on him. Perhaps Jess had broken him, maybe for good.

"Yeah it's my night off." He continued with his eyes fixed to the beer bottle he rolled between his palms.

"So what are you doing here, don't you have a life to get back to or something."

"...or something."

"Well as long as your settled in here for the night why don't my friends and I keep you company?"

He looked past her to see her friends, who looked almost exactly the same, giggling and muttering amongst themselves.

"Look I don't mean to be rude but I would rather be alone if it's all the same to you."

"Oh right I get. You have a girlfriend don't you?"

There it was. The question he had dreaded someone asking him. The question he had managed to avoid for months. The question that once answered would make everything real.

"No. I don't."

It was real. It was over.

Feeling vulnerable and scared he was about to do something stupid to get back at Jess he leaned away from the blonde and reached for his phone. Squinting his eyes to bring Coach's number into focus he called for back up.

* * *

Cece waved her mug underneath her nose gently taking in the smell of her coffee, turning off the coffee machine she wandered back to the couch picking up a magazine from the counter on the way. It was her first weekend away from Buster in four months and although a small part of her missed him she couldn't help but enjoy a little alone time. Lying back on the couch she crossed her right leg over her left admiring her freshly painted toenails, a coral colour she had bought with Jess when they had been shopping a week earlier. She flipped open the cover of her magazine and brought the hot mug of coffee to her mouth when loud, borderline frantic knocking at the door almost made her spill it all down her white blouse.

"Alright, alright I'm coming."

Cece swung the door open, her face falling when she saw Jess' tear stained face.

"He knows about James Cece"

"Oh honey...come in, come on."

Moments later Cece found herself unscrewing the cork of a bottle or wine, sure it was three o'clock in the afternoon but by the look on Jess' face it was pretty clear that coffee wasn't going to cut it.

"So what happened start from the beginning"

"I don't know...we were at the bar for Schmidt's birthday last night and we were having an amazing time together, I mean really amazing and then all of a sudden Schmidt starts pushing this random girl on to Nick. Anyway Schmidt and I got into an argument about it this morning and Schmidt blurted it out and Nick was standing right behind me. The look on his face Cece..."

Jess' eyes started to fill up again at the memory which was etched painfully into her mind.

"Honey I know you feel bad for him but you haven't done anything wrong."

"It doesn't feel that way. I just can't have him hating me, I can't lose him Cece, I can't."

"You won't"

"How do you know?"

"Because you mean the world to him Jess. He's hurting and you have to let him hurt, you have to let him be angry. You can't expect him to be ok with it right away Jess. Would you be?"

"No." She sniffed, pulling the sleeve of her sweater over the back of her hand to dab her cheeks dry.

"Talk to him Jess, you need to talk to him."

Jess nodded accepting that she had brought this on herself by failing to tell Nick about James in a shamefully naive bid to spare his feelings. She rested her head on Cece's shoulder and sipped her wine noisily as the sobs subsided and she steadied her breathing. Cece was right, she needed to talk to Nick.

Several hours, many delaying tactics and four glasses of wine later she left Cece's apartment bound for the loft.

* * *

Nick could feel himself swaying as he stood on the chair, clutching a bottle of whiskey that was very much surplus to requirements by this point. He had pretty much lost track of the game but he knew that if he didn't at least pretend he was still partaking then there was a bottle of some ouzo with his name on it. If there was one thing they were all in agreement on, it was the importance of adhering to the rules of True American, without the rules it was just a night of unbridled binge drinking.

Emma, he was pretty sure that was her name, was clinging on to his waist trying her best to balance on the chair along with him. She didn't need to be there, she wasn't even on his team but he had to give her an A for effort in the flirting stakes. He rested his arm round her shoulder, his hand dangling in the air, careful not to grip on to anything and give her too much of the wrong idea. Looking around he had no idea how he was back here, yeah he and the guys were undeniably intoxicated from their evening long session at the bar, but surely the days of bringing back groups of twenty something girls was behind them. It wasn't fun anymore, it felt hollow and pointless and yet he had gone along with it blindly thinking it was what he needed to do to move on but as he stared bleary eyed at the gleeful young woman hanging off his waist he knew he had no interest in sleeping with her. He didn't want meaningless sex with a girl whose name he would struggle to remember in the morning.

His smiled at her weakly so as not to offend her as he slowly extracted his arm from around her shoulder. He could see the look of confusion on her face as her grip on his waist slackened but he just ignore it, he didn't have the energy to explain himself. It didn't matter, this girl didn't even know him.

Without her grip on him he realised his legs were a little less steady than he thought as he wobbled right of the chair. He reached out for something instinctively, disregarding the fact that it was Emma's arm. He stumbled back until he hit the back of the couch, bending his legs slightly and knocking him into a seated position. He had inadvertently pulled Emma with him but she didn't seem too upset by the abrupt yank to ground and happily stood in between Nick's knees, slowly dragging her arms around his neck and tilting her head to meet his.

* * *

Jess took a deep breath, steeling herself as the elevator rose to the fourth floor, she was sure the elevator didn't usually move this fast. As she heard a ding and came to an abrupt halt with a small bounce, she tensed her shoulders and marched into the hallway with determination before she could change her mind and run back to Cece's. She had the conversation all planned out in her head but as she heard yelling and cheering from the loft, that formulated dialogue quickly dissipated.

She managed to sift various words out of the yelling and came to realise what they were playing, she had to admit this wasn't what she was expecting to come home to. As she raised her key to the lock she noticed the door was ajar, she lowered her head, shaking it at their irresponsibility and pushed the door open.

She expected to see them being loud and obnoxious, she expected them all to be hammered even though it was only nine o'clock in the evening but she didn't expect to see a petite, blonde girl barely out of college draped around her ex-boyfriend's neck, his hands resting comfortably on her hips.

Nick had been pushing her away, he had grabbed her hips to push her away but as he saw the look on Jess' face through his blurred vision he knew that detail was of little consequence. Part of him had wanted Jess to see him like this, to make her understand how it felt, to get back at her but now, in the reality of situation, he felt like the lowest person in the world. Was he really doing this? Was he really going to throw away whatever relationship he had with Jess over some college graduate just for one minute of payback? He felt guilty, he felt small, he wondered if Jess had felt this was the first time she went out with James, or the first time she had kissed him. Had she kissed him? Had she slept with him? Suddenly Nick was angry again, that feeling he had done pretty well to anaesthetize over the past few hours came bubbling back up to the surface with a vengeance.

Coach, Schmidt and Winston backed away from their respective girls which was more than could be said for Nick who kept his hands resting on Emma, who was now looking decidedly uncomfortable under the intense glare of the furious looking brunette in the hallway. They guys hung their heads, their faces falling like schoolboys awaiting a punishment. They had tried to be there for Nick, to be good friends and support him the way guys do but their idiocy was now becoming glaringly obvious, even in their drunken haze. They had told themselves that Jess was the stronger one, that she was dealing with this better, that she didn't need them quite as much but as they looked and her standing small and innocent in the doorway they had never felt so ashamed. Schmidt wanted to go to her but he knew she wasn't too enamoured with him so he did the next best thing.

"Um ladies why don't we take this party elsewhere."

The girls wordlessly gathered up their bags and jackets and headed for the door without making eye contact with Jess, the guys following sheepishly behind them. They mumbled their apologies as they walked by her but it wasn't them she was interested in in that particular moment. Her watery gaze was fixed on Nick who stared back, blinking slowly and swaying where he stood.

As the door closed the noise jolted Nick from his trance and he made a move for the kitchen, banging into every piece of furniture on the way. Jess paced behind him slowly, clenching her fists, trying to focus her attention on her fingernails digging into her palms so she wouldn't cry.

"You really thing another drink is a good idea."

"I think it's an excellent idea Jesssica." He slurred as he popped the cap on another bottle.

"I know what you're doing Nick. This isn't you."

"Thisss is me actually, this was me before I ever met you." There was a venom in his voice that made Jess' stomach turn.

"I don't believe you. I know you."

Nick sneered and threw back more alcohol defiantly, ignoring how nauseous he felt.

"Just go away Jess"

"No"

"Leave me alone Jess. Why are you even here, shouldn't you be with him."

"Nick, I wanted to talk to you about it but I can't talk to you when you're like this."

"Then don't talk to me!"

With that he swiped the bottle off the counter barely keeping it in his grip and staggered to his bedroom. He pushed his palm flat against his bedroom door with a loud thud, he almost fell over as he stepped on the back of his shoe repeatedly trying and failing to kick it off. When the second shoe proved too much of a challenge he simply gave up and flopped back hard on his bed, his head narrowly missing a hard crack against the top bunk. He threw his arm over his chest making a loud sigh which turned into a groan.

Following behind him with a tall glass of cold water, Jess lingered in the doorway staring at his form which was illuminated by the light streaming in through the windows. When she thought he had started to fall into unconsciousness she tentatively stepped towards him, sitting on the bed next to him slowly, trying not to dip the mattress so much that he would wake up. As her eyes adjusted to the darkness she could make out more of his face, there was a slight glint in his left eye from one tear that was threatening to fall and it made her heart ache. As he moved his head slightly against the pillow it gave way and rolled back into his hairline leaving a trail in it's wake. Instinctively she reached for him and smoothed the moisture away while allowing her own tears to fall. She allowed her hand to rest against his face, it was a luxury she was rarely afforded these days and god how she missed it.

"Don't Jess."

It was barely an audible whisper but she froze, straightening her legs and putting herself back into an upright position. He hadn't moved except for his eyes which were now as open as they could be considering how drunk he was. His words were slurred and grumbled but she knew she had heard him correctly, still she questioned him hoping for a different response.

"Don't what?"

"Don't look after me. It's not ...Isss not your job any more."

"I just want to make sure you're ok."

"I'm not ok Jess. I'm not ok"

Jess closed her eyes, the feeling of guilt was overwhelming. She had no idea what to say to him to make it right.

"Drink some water Nick."

"I can't do this."

"You'll feel better for it trust me."

"No this...us...I don't want to do this any more."

"Nick I know it's hard but..."

"No it's too hard Jess. I can't pretend that we're something we're not. We're not friends, we're never going to be and I can't watch you be with some other guys, it'll kill me."

"Look Nick we'll figure this out. We will."

"I don't think we can." He whispered his eyes falling closed in complete exhaustion.

In spite of his words Nick hadn't fought her touch, he allowed her to comfort him against his better judgement. The warmth from her hand on his face spread through his whole body and he reached his hand from under him to hold hers, squeezing it tight.

"Jess I don't know how to not be in love with you."

"Nick" His name broke off into a sob she didn't know was coming. She wanted to say she loved him too but the words wouldn't come out. She looked at him, so crushed and vulnerable next to her, and she didn't know what the words would do to him or what they would do to her. She trailed her hand down his cheek moving it away as he closed his eyes but as she went to leave she felt a pressure on her wrist pulling her back.

"Don't go Jess."

"Nick I can't..."

"Please just for tonight...just don't go."

She knew she should leave but she wanted to stay with him, every part of her was screaming at her to stay with him. She had never seen him look so open and scared, she couldn't leave him. She gave him a small nod and he released her arm allowing her to stand and move round the bed behind him. He felt the mattress dip as her warm body pressed up against his back, as her hand hovered cautiously over his waist he reached behind him to grab it pulling it up in front of him and pressing it against his chest. He didn't dare turn around, if he turned around he knew he would try to kiss her and even in his drunken state he knew that was a mistake. He couldn't make such a bold move with a liter of whisky coursing through his body. He wanted to stay awake but his body wouldn't let him, he felt like he had weights on his eyelids and his whole body sunk heavily into the mattress. He took one last look at her small, dainty hand intertwined with his before fatigue got the better of him.

She could feel his breathing slow and his grip on her hand start to slacken and she knew he had fallen asleep. She had planned to leave and go back to her room but she found her thumb stroking idly on the back of his hand, her lips hovering dangerously close to the back of his neck so she could feel her breath bouncing off his skin. He was a magnet and she physically couldn't pull herself away from him. The sound of his breathing as he slept was almost hypnotic and she found herself falling into his rhythm.

She would leave in a minute. She would.

* * *

When Jess peeled her eyes open the next morning she was met by her hand clutching a checked bed sheet, as she rolled over she saw metal bed springs above her rather than her white ceiling, instantly she knew wasn't in her own bed. Dammit she had fallen asleep in his room when she swore she wouldn't, this was bad, this was really bad. Not seeing him next to her she bolted up in bed shifting her butt back to lean against the wall. She clutched the blanket around her even though she was still fully dressed as she saw him standing over near his desk, fully dressed and strapping on his watch. He had a strange look on his face that she couldn't quite place, suddenly she felt like some random girl he had brought home for a one night stand that he immediately regretted. She glared at him but she couldn't get his eyes to meet hers. She could feel him building up a wall with every second that went by, she went to speak but he cut her off.

"I'm sorry about last night Jess. I know it was mistake you don't have to say anything."

"Nick I..."

"Really I get it now I do. I was drunk and old habits die hard I guess. I know we're just friends now and if you want to be with someone else I won't stand in your way."

"Nick wait a second..."

He didn't stop to take a breath, she knew he had no intention of letting her get a word in. He was just going to write last night off like it never happened.

"I want to keep you in my life Jess and if that means working harder to be your friend then I'll do it. I know it's over between us and I accept that now so I need to move on. I need to let you go."

Jess felt like she had been struck in the chest, she had woken up expecting awkwardness and confusion but not rejection. She waited for him to say something else or for him to make that face he made when he knew he had said something wrong but it didn't come. He was stoic and resolute. She willed herself not to cry as she threw the covers back and shuffled off the bed. She didn't know what to say, she wasn't ready to let him go, not yet, but she had no right to stop him if that's what he wanted, she didn't have that kind of influence over him any more. She coughed trying to clear the lump in her throat, she didn't want her voice to expose how utterly shaken she was.

"Ok..um...I guess you're probably right. If we want to be friends I suppose we need to at least need to try at it right?"

He nodded his face now expressing a little more pain. His body was rigid as he jammed his hands hard into his pockets, his legs were poker straight, his jaw flexing as he gritted his teeth.

"Ok well I guess I'll go back to my room."

"Ok"

"Ok...see ya"

Nick's shoulders dropped as he watch her disappear out the door closing it behind her. He wasn't sure what the hell he had just done. His mouth hung open as he pushed his tongue to the side of his mouth nervously, his eyes wide from the shock of the words that had just tumbled out of his mouth. He glared forlornly at his bed, he could still make out the shape in the sheets where she had been sleeping and it made his stomach lurch. Running his hands through his hair in exasperation he took a few quick strides towards the bed and flattened his palms against the sheets smoothing out the creases she had left on her side of the bed, he pulled the covers taught, tucking them underneath the mattress.

Now the bed was neat, smooth, no longer like she had slept there.


	6. Chapter 6

Jess smeared the thick icing over the banana muffins, without thinking she had found herself making Nick's favourite. She wasn't sure why, this wasn't like the time she shrunk his favourite t-shirt or spilled tea all over his laptop, muffins weren't going to fix it this time. They had gone back to pleasantries, awkwardness had started to creep back in and what made it worse was that she had caused it. She should have been honest with him, she shouldn't have let him find out like that. She set her knife down and leaned her palms flat on the counter as she cursed herself over and over. This was Nick, he deserved so much better than this, she closed herself and gently shook her head.

As Schmidt rounded the corner into the kitchen he could see Jess hunched over the counter looking defeated and his stomach churned with guilt over the part he had played in everything. Most of it was about Nick he knew that and that wasn't a quick fix, and while he wouldn't apologise for trying to help Nick he would acknowledge that he hadn't been the friend he should have been to Jess. He hadn't been there for her the way he had for Nick and it wasn't fair to her. She was hurting, just as much as Nick was and she needed him, she needed all of them.

Jess knew Schmidt was standing behind her but she didn't turn round, she merely raised her hands and continued working on her muffins. She could feel him stalking behind her sheepishly like a dog with its tail between its legs. She didn't want to fight with Schmidt, she really didn't, things were hard enough with her and Nick she didn't want tension with the other guys too. Just as she was about to turn to speak to him she felt two arms encircle her shoulders hugging her tightly from behind. She felt him rest his chin on her shoulder and she smiled.

"I'm sorry Jess."

"I'm sorry too."

That was all they needed, she picked up a muffin and passed it over her shoulder letting him take a big bite out of it. He chewed merrily with a big grin on his face before he gave her a big kiss on the cheek leaving a lip shaped smear of icing on her cheek. She erupted into laughter and yelled at him and he knew they were good again.

* * *

It had been a slow afternoon at the bar which was just as well as Nick was far from focused. He leaned heavily on the bar and toyed with the small piece of paper in his hand. 'Just pick up your phone and dial you idiot' he thought to himself over and over. 'It's not cheating...it' not' but if it wasn't cheating then why did it feel so much like it was. Jess had managed to do it why couldn't he? He was single, he was a single man now this shouldn't be so much of a challenge, just call the girl up and ask her out it's no big deal, it's not like you're asking her to marry you. It's just a date. It's just one date. He held a shaky thumb over the keys on the screen and started to dial quickly before his brain had a chance to catch up and throw him off his game by making him think about Jess. It's ringing, oh shit it's ringing.

"Hello"

"Hi Lauren"

"Yes"

"Hi it's Nick...Miller. Schmidt's friends from the bar."

* * *

As the bell rung out loud, the noise was rivalled only by Jess' screaming pupils as they flooded towards the canteen. She reminded them of their homework assignment over the overpowering din but it was futile. When she was pretty sure she was talking to no-one but herself she flopped back behind her desk with that feeling of exasperation which always came half way through the day when she was running low on fuel, man she needed to eat.

Jess wondered if somehow the universe was reading her mind when a brown, paper lunch bag appeared in the doorway of her classroom. The owner of the hand clasping it she couldn't yet identify, although she had an idea. As the bag lowered it was replaced in her line of sight by an expectant and remorseful looking Coach, his head peeking boyishly round the door frame.

"Hey Jess" He stalked towards her swinging the bag back and forth like a teenager who was nervous about asking her out on a date.

"Hey Coach"

"So I brought you some lunch."

"Oh...thank you."

"I was thinking maybe you might want some company?"

"Sure take a seat"

Jess peeled open the sizeable bag and pulled out two foot long subs, gawking at the size of it she set them down her desk and smiled at him as she pulled paper towels out of her desk draw to serve as handy napkins. Boys never remembered to pick up the napkins. She watched Coach swiftly devour almost half the sandwich in one bite in the time it had taken her to peel the wrapper from the end of it. He chewed slowly giving himself time to speak so she waited patiently and tucked into her lunch.

"Jess I'm sorry about the other night...at the loft. We were drunk and we thought we were doing Nick and favour and it was stupid. We didn't mean to hurt your feelings."

"It's ok Coach you don't need to apologise. Look I know you've known Nick a lot longer than you've know me so I understand your loyalty lies with him I do."

"No that's not it at all Jess. We care about you just as much as Nick. It's just...we all saw what his break up with Caroline did to him Jess, it wasn't pretty and the way he feels about you well it's...stronger. I guess we just didn't want him to go down that road again so we tried to distract him. We weren't thinking."

"Look it's ok, really. Nick knew what he was doing and you know what, he had every right to want to get back at me. I deserved it. I should have told him the truth. None of it matters now anyway so..."

"Why do you say that?"

"Because Nick said he's done, he's ready to move on."

"And you believed him?"

There was silence between then which offered up more questions than answers. Coach pursed his lips and raised an eyebrow at Jess' naivety but refused to pass any comment. He had done enough damage this week.

* * *

Nick hung up the phone and his shoulders dropped in relief, it had gone pretty well considering the circumstances, she said yes so that was an added bonus. Well that was it, he had made the first step but he wasn't sure how he felt about it. He was little proud of himself for being a big brave boy except now he was faced with the reality of having to go out with another girl, a girl he didn't know, a girl he was going to have to start from scratch with. As a slight sweat broke out across his brow he decided to pour himself a quick drink while the bar was quiet.

"Hey Nick"

Nick turned at the sound of the chirpy voice to find Cece standing behind him, she had turned up a little early for her shift. Nick actually like being around Cece, as Jess' best friend she could either have made his life hell or mollycoddled him to death but she had done neither. He had no doubt that Jess' best interests were always paramount to her and he would expect nothing less but Cece knew the score and she hadn't given him a hard time, she had been, well, normal.

"Hey Cece how's it going."

"Good, are you ok? You look a little...sweaty."

"Yeah I'm fine I'm just ...hot."

He was in two minds over whether or not to tell Cece about his date, it would get back to Jess there was no doubt about that but is that what he wanted. He didn't want Jess thinking this was some immature vendetta or that he was only doing it to save face. Maybe he should tell her himself, or would it look like he was rubbing her nose in it. Why the hell did this have to be so complicated? Why was she still a factor in everything he did? After he had drifted off into his own head he could see that he had lost Cece's attention, as she turned to walk to the other end of the bar he could feel the words bubbling up in his throat. He wasn't even sure he wanted her to know but suddenly the words were coming out with no warning.

"Cece I have a date."

Cece turned slowly, making him wait to see the expression on her face, but when he finally did it wasn't the look of disgust he was expecting, it was more surprise.

"Oh"

"I don't know why I'm telling you, it's just... I only just did it and I guess I'm feeling weird about it or whatever and so...now I'm telling you."

"Well ok...I mean it's ok Nick it's not like you're doing anything wrong."

"I know, I just...I guess I just didn't want it be some big secret. I mean it's just a date it doesn't mean anything."

"Right. I mean do you want me to tell Jess? Is that why you told me?"

"No!...maybe...I don't really know."

Nick rubbed his eyes harshly with his hand wishing intensely that his life were more simple. Cece stepped towards him and pulled his hand away from his face, man she felt bad for the guy he looked so lost.

"Look Nick, you know how the best friend thing works...ultimately I can't keep secrets from her."

"I know Cece I'm not..."

"But" She cut him off "Jess is coming down to the bar later so why don't you tell her then. If you don't feel comfortable then I'll tell her ...ok?"

Cece shrugged casually trying to make lighter of it and ease the tension.

"Ok, alright. I'll tell her."

* * *

Jess staggered across the parking lot towards her car trying her best not to drop the mountain of books she was carrying, her keys dangling freely from her mouth. She tipped her wrist carefully to see what time it was, dammit she was running late, she had told Cece she would be at the bar by 7. Buster was back from New York tomorrow and she knew Cece would disappear underground for a few days while they got 'reacquainted' so she wanted to spend some time with her tonight. Jess had reached the point where she was embarrassingly aware how much her dramas with Nick dominated her time with Cece over the past few months, and while she hadn't said anything Jess knew it wasn't fair to keep unloading on her the way she did. Cece was at the start of an exciting new relationship and Jess had barely knew anything about him. Well tonight she would put an end to that. Whether Nick was there or not. (She knew he would be)

Picking up her pace she waddled towards her car, her keys swinging furiously from side to side until they swung completely out of her mouth and clattered on to the tarmac. Refusing to set down the thirty text books she was carrying, she split her legs in a rather unladylike fashion as she tried to lower herself closer to the ground. Mumbling to herself, she was about to admit defeat when a hand appeared underneath her retrieving her keys from the ground. She followed the hand up eagerly to meet its owner.

"James!"

"Hi" He laughed taking the books from her to carry them in a gentlemanly fashion.

"What are you doing here?"

"Do I need a reason, I just wanted to see you." He craned his head over the pile of booked to give her a peck on the lips.

She smiled "No I mean it's nice to see you I just wasn't expecting to."

"Where's your car."

"Uh right over here."

James trailed behind her and she tried to adjust to him being on her territory. It was kind of like seeing your teacher out of school when you were a kid, you knew it was perfectly normal but it still felt odd. So far they had always met at various restaurants or bars, what jess considered safe neutral ground (safe meaning no risk of running into Nick). Now he seemed to be edging his way more and more into her life and the time was creeping closer when she would have to bring him back to the loft.

"Whoa Jess is this your car. I'm starting to see why you always wanted me to pick you up."

"Oh right yeah"

"How does a girl like you end up with a car with huge flames on the side!"

"It's a long story." She gave a weak laugh and nervously pushed her glasses up hoping he wouldn't push her on it.

"Well the plot thickens Miss Day, guess there is still a lot for me to learn about you."

* * *

Nick could feel the vein in his head pulsing as he carried the heavy box of wine bottles up from the basement. He was wearing himself out but he found that all the lifting and shifting was a good outlet for all the nervous energy he had managed to accumulate since he had called Lauren. There was also the added factor that if he didn't keep himself busy he would stand and think too much and if he thought too much he would call and cancel using some lame excuse like needing to look after Winston's cat or something equally as unbelievable.

He couldn't pinpoint exactly what had driven him to call her, whether it was pride, jealousy or acceptance. Maybe it was none of them, maybe it was all

three. He surprised himself finding he had kept her number after Schmidt had not so subtly slipped it into his pocket on the night of his birthday party. He had never imagined finding any use for it, but that was before he knew about James, now Lauren had become a lifeline. Even if nothing came of it, even if he never saw her again he needed to go on this one date, just to know that he could, just to see if it was possible to entertain the idea of being with another girl. He feared it wouldn't but he at least needed to try.

He sighed, his mind becoming as exhausted as his muscles as he rationalised and doubted his decision over and over on a loop. He set the box down in front of the bar, actually it was more dropping than setting by that point, but he didn't hear any smashing so he shrugged it off. He straightened up, cracking his back like the old man he felt he was and squeezed his eyes tight as he let out a big yawn.

"I hope you're gonna be a little more lively on Saturday."

Nick's eyes shot open, his neck jolting upright almost giving him whiplash as his attention snapped to the person facing him from the other side of the bar.

"Lauren!"

"Hi"

"Hey"

"I hope you don't think it's weird that I'm here but I was literally just down the street having lunch with a friend when you called. I've been debating for the last hour how pathetic it would be to come in a say hi."

"No...no it's not pathetic it's nice to see you. Can I get you a drink?"

"Sure, I'll just have a beer thanks."

"You got it."

Nick turned to the refrigerator behind him to grab a bottle, casting his eyes frantically to the side to Cece who was busy with another customer. He could feel the steady thud of his heart in his ears as the feeling of panic started to sink in. He didn't want Jess to see him with another girl, he wasn't ready. He thought back to the last time Jess has seen him with Lauren and swallowed hard, there hadn't even been the threat of romance that night but now things had changed and in a couple of days he would be going on a date with this girl and dates are synonymous with romance.

He placed the drink in front of her and smiled, 'ok I can do this' he thought. He listened to her talk and watched her chew her lip nervously, she laughed heartily at his jokes and played with the end of her hair, all standard modes of female flirting but so unfamiliar to him now. He and Jess had never really had this, the flirting phase, at least not intentionally. It was never something that had to make an effort with, it just happened by accident. Still, this girl was nice and she was entitled to a pleasant date and some harmless flirting, she didn't deserve to be a rebound, a mere symptom of his heartbreak over Jess. So, he decided to switch it up a gear. He leaned toward her, he found excuses to touch her arm, he laughed at jokes that weren't funny and teased her playfully about it. Every move was punctuated with a sideways glance to Cece and the door with the hope that Lauren would leave before Jess arrived.

Cece knew what was happening to her right but she chose not to go over there, she didn't want to stare or make a scene. If Nick had cheated on Jess or treated her badly then Cece's job description would have been very clear but neither of those were the case. She couldn't hate Nick, she couldn't make him feel bad nor could she tell him what he was and wasn't allowed to do. She knew this would kill Jess and in that moment she was praying just as hard as Nick that Lauren would leave before she arrived but she had no power over the situation. Nick was as entitled to go out with Lauren as much as Jess had been with James. She simply had to let it happen and be there for her friend.

Cece was distracted by her butt vibrating and pulled her phone from her jeans seeing Jess' name on the screen.

"Jess hey"

She walked to the back of the bar but not before she noticed the panic on Nick's face as he heard her say his ex-girlfriend's name.

"What's up babe?"

"Hey Cece I'm really sorry but I can't come down to the bar tonight, James just turned up at school and he wants to go for dinner. I couldn't think of an

excuse fast enough to get out of it."

"It's ok Jess, we can make plans after the weekend."

"I'm sorry I feel bad, I just can't bring him to the bar Cece it's too soon. I don't know how Nick would react."

Cece peered back round to the front of the bar to see Nick and Lauren leaning over the bar towards one another, laughing about something. Cece knew a thing or two about being smitten and that girl was smitten - big time. She noticed the way her eyes never left Nick's, a classic sign.

"You know that's probably a good idea Jess. I totally understand."

* * *

Nick straightened up and pushed himself back from his leaning position at the bar as he noticed Cece come back. He tried to read the look on Cece's face and magically figure out what she might have said to Jess but he got nothing. God he felt like he was being caught cheating this was ridiculous, handing Lauren another free bag of chips as a pacifier he excused himself momentarily and walked over to Cece.

"Hey Cece."

"Hey."

"So how's it going?"

"The same as it was about thirty minutes ago the last time we spoke."

"Great, that's great."

"Nick relax, Jess isn't coming."

Cece saw Nick's shoulders visibly drop as a heavy breath of air left his mouth. She couldn't quite tell if what she was seeing was relief or disappointment but she decided not to push him on it, he already looked pretty on edge. He rested his hands on the back and front of the bar, lightly swinging his leg back and forward, unsure whether to stay and continue to talk to Cece or return to Lauren with Cece watching him.

"Go talk to your date Nick. I'm not keeping tabs I promise. I think we can both agree Jess doesn't need to hear all the little details."

"Right..." Still he waited.

"Go" She shooed him away to the other end of the bar trying desperately to ease his guilt.

With a half smile he nodded at Cece and walked away to get Lauren another drink.

* * *

Jess tried to relax as her body was pushed hard against the car, hands threading into her hair as lips dragged over hers. They were still unfamiliar kisses, less so than they had been a few weeks ago, but they still caught her off guard. She ran her hands up his chest pushing lightly against his chest to bring the kiss to an end. She was still hesitant to let it go further, she felt like a virgin again, it was that kind of nervousness. Somehow the dates and the kisses kept it casual but if she slept with him it wasn't casual any more, it was something real.

He pulled back but kept his hands resting on her face, his thumbs stroking idly over her cheeks. The fact that he was being so patient with her almost made everything worse, he was a good man but their burgeoning relationship wasn't tainted for him the way it was for her. He didn't know about Nick, he didn't know how damaged she was. As a feeling of guilt squirmed in her belly, she grabbed his collar and leaned up to peck him again. She ran her fingers lightly through his dark hair and along his firm jaw and smiled.

"So you want to come inside?"

"Hmmm not tonight. Is that ok?"

"Yeah it's ok. Do you think you might want to come in someday soon?"

She smiled hoping he would read what he wanted into it while she could stay non-committal.

"Goodnight James."

They kissed again, with him leaning it for one last hard peck. He grunted, a noise somewhere between arousal and excitement tinged with frustration.

"Night Jess."

He turned glancing back at her and holding on to her hand for as long as he could before he let it drop back by her side. When the door closed behind him she looked down pensively, a smile still playing on her face. She turned to put the keys into the lock but catching sight of her watch she noticed it was only a little after ten. She would still have time to go to the bar and catch up with Cece. Starting the ignition she headed for Clyde's.


	7. Chapter 7

Jess pushed open the door to the bar expecting a wall of roaring banter and a stench of stale beer to hit her, but she was surprised at how quiet and empty it was. Her eyes instinctively searched for Nick but he was nowhere to be seen, what she could see however, was a decidedly bored looking Cece drying glasses mechanically, pausing in between each one to assess her nails. Jess trotted toward the bar and jumped up on the stool right in front of the oblivious barmaid and still failed catch her attention. She laughed, waving her hand in front of Cece's face until she finally made eye contact. A momentary flicker of something a lot like panic passed across Cece's face but Jess chose to breeze past it assuming she has just surprised her.

"You were a million miles away are you ok?" Jess chuckled but it soon petered out as she observed Cece's face still looking a little more serious than she would have liked.

Cece shook her head dismissively and plastered a big smile on her face like she had suddenly become aware of where she was and what was going on. "Hey...yeah I'm fine, just a little tired, it's pretty slow in here tonight. I uh...I didn't think you were coming."

"Well James and I finished dinner a little earlier than expected ...and um still not quite ready to...you know." Jess motioned her hands in a gesture that Cece assumed in some way constituted intercourse, she rolled her eyes but let Jess continue uninterrupted."...So, I thought I would pop down, I felt bad bailing on you."

"You didn't have to feel bad Jess I know how it is when you just start seeing someone."

Jess' face fell serious and she pointed her finger at Cece with gusto. "THAT'S the other reason I wanted to see you. Cece I know I've been driving you crazy with all this Nick stuff." Jess mouthed the word Nick like it was a swear word even though he was nowhere in earshot. "Tonight we're going to talk about nothing but you and Buster and how great your relationship is and I promise I won't even say the 'N' word."

Cece smiled at the effort Jess was making but inside her stomach was doing flips, she knew Nick was only in the basement and he would return any minute to Lauren who was waiting patiently at the end of the bar, so far staying under Jess' radar.

"Where is he...incidentally?" Jess tried to keep her voice steady and casual, her face stoic like it was a subject she had no remote interest in, but Cece knew otherwise.

"I thought we weren't talking about him tonight." Cece mocked, jabbing her finger in Jess' shoulder playfully, desperately wishing the conversation would move on to something to distract Jess or bore her enough so she would decide to go home.

"We're not, ok...Buster...go." Jess aimed two finger guns at Cece gesturing for her to take over the conversation while she planned to listen and quietly sip her wine.

* * *

Twenty minutes later and Jess' jacket was hanging on the back of her chair, her glass was half full and she was leaning on the bar more than comfortably. Yep she was settling in for the evening much to Cece's unease, still Cece kept the conversation going to keep up appearances. She leaned tactically to Jess' right side, being sure to keep her attention away from the other side of the bar. It was futile, Nick would be back any moment, she knew that, but short of telling Jess to leave she didn't know what else to do. Maybe getting her excited about James would help, make her feel more empowered when she realised Nick's attention wasn't going to be on her tonight.

"So James wanted you to spend the night huh?"

"Cece!" Jess looked around frantically, her eyes narrowing back to their normal size when she realised Nick wasn't nearby. "Shhhh we're supposed to be talking about you tonight."

"We talked about me and Buster...a lot. I want to know about James, you never talk about him."

Jess sighed and started to whisper almost inaudibly. "I can't talk about him in front of Nick, it doesn't feel right."

"Jess, he and James are going to cross paths at some point why don't you just get it out of the way?"

Jess shook her head as Cece spoke getting a little irritated at the conversation. "I'm not ready Cece."

"You never know Jess maybe it could be a good thing, maybe Nick..."

Jess cut her off "I'm not ready Cece!" She hushed her voice when it came out a little louder than intended. "Look I'm sorry, I'm just still a little confused by everything and the last thing I want to do is push Nick away any more than I already have." Cece held her hands up, her palms facing Jess in surrender. Not meaning to snap at Cece, Jess decided to give her a few crumbs of gossip.

"But I like him Cece, I do, he's kind and he's funny and handsome and from what I've seen of his hands so far I'm pretty sure he knows what to do with them."

"Jess!" Cece squealed, glad of the lighter tone the conversation had taken.

Jess giggled mischievously, and rested her head on her hand getting more comfortable at the bar, casually glancing around. Remembering herself, Cece suddenly snapped back into action and tried woefully to keep Jess' attention on her.

"You want another glass of wine?"

Jess was silent for a moment and then smirked, glancing down at her full glass. "Uh no thanks I'm set."

Cece tried again "You know Jess it's getting kinda busy in here, why don't you head back to the loft and..."

But Jess wasn't listening any more. She suddenly sat upright, her neck stretching like a meerkat as she stared intently to the other end of the bar, squinting her eyes like she was trying to solve a mathematics equation. Then it dawned on her.

"Hey I know that girl."

As Jess spoke Cece closed her eyes in defeat, her heart sinking as she saw Jess fit the pieces of the puzzle together in her head.

"She was at Schmidt's party, she..."

Jess turned back to Cece with raw emotion evident in her eyes, her mouth slightly agape.

"Is she here for Nick?"

Cece's face softened and all she could offer was a weak nod as Jess turned to her left again to scrutinise the pretty blonde twenty feet away from her. She could feel a lump rising in her throat as her heart battered against her ribs. She couldn't cry, she couldn't let Nick see her cry, instead she swallowed hard and released her heartbreak in sniping remarks.

"Well she's pretty forward isn't she? I mean Nick doesn't really go for that." Jess bit, her voice tinged with desperation as she tried to rationalise the situation and convince herself it was something other than it was. She tried to talk through the sick feeling that was settling in her stomach. "He had no interest in her at the party. I mean no interest at all Cece, I can't see him with a girl like that. I mean you know Nick Cece, there is no way he would go out with that type of girl." Jess turned back to Cece with pleading eyes trying to ignore the look of pity on the model's face.

"Jess" Cece replied lowering the tone of her voice hoping she wouldn't have to be the one to spell it out. She reached a hand across the bar to rest on the back of Jess' as she saw her eyes moisten behind her glasses. "Sweetie don't cry, please don't cry."

"I'm not" Jess tried in vain to cough the emotion out of her voice. "I'm not, I mean this was going to happen someday right." Jess removed her glasses pretending to cleaning them on her sweater while swiping her finger under her eyes quickly hoping Cece wouldn't notice. She placed them back on her face and straightened up in her seat.

"So what? ...Is he seeing her?"

"No, but he asked her out earlier today. He was going to tell you Jess, he really was he told me."

"Why should he? I mean it's not like I was honest with him. Nick can do what he wants."

Jess stopped still as the clanking of wine bottles brought her attention to Nick who had appeared behind Cece at the bar. She bit her lips into her mouth to stop them from shaking. She watched as Nick's eyes darted back and forth between her and Lauren, his mouth rounding to form words that didn't come out. Setting the box he was carrying at his feet he stood, clearing his throat nervously.

"Hey Jess."

"Hey"

There was a long pause that made Cece physically squirm where she stood.

"How are you?" Nick scratched the back of his neck anxiously.

Jess glanced once again to the girl to her left and back at Nick. "I'm fine" Trying desperately to keep her composure she fixed her eyes to a drop of condensation running down the side of her glass, catching it on her finger and rubbing into her thumb. Nick turned to Cece for answers when he was certain that Jess had no intention of continuing a conversation with him. Cece's shrug was barely detectable but it was enough for Nick to admit defeat and walk away, his eyes appealing to Jess once last time before he turned his back.

* * *

Nick headed back over to Lauren, walking as slowly as he could without seeming weird to give himself time to think of how to politely ask her to leave. He had every intention of going through with the date on Saturday, it was a huge milestone for him, but the last thing he wanted was Jess as an audience. He wanted Jess to think that he was capable of moving on the way she had, but he didn't want her to think his affections could be so easily transferred. She was still the one who had his heart. It might always be that way. Standing in front of Lauren he rested his hands on the bar and smiled at her, she instantly leaned forward and grinned baring her teeth at him openly. She was ready to pick up where they had left off but Nick's mojo had gone, what little confidence he had managed to muster was shattered once again and his attention was back on the girl sitting behind him.

Jess stayed where she was. Half of her desperately wanted to leave but the other masochistic half needed to see what was happening with Nick and this woman. She knew Nick, better than anybody and if he really liked this girl she would know. She needed to know.

"Jess don't do this to yourself" Cece pleaded, already aware that she was fighting a losing battle.

Jess brought her attention back to Cece prepared to argue her point but when she saw Cece's concerned expression she took a deep breath and conceded.

"Ok, I'm gonna go. I'm sorry tonight wasn't what we planned Ceec."

"Honey don't worry about it. Just go home and get some sleep ok."

Jess hopped off her stool swinging her jacket round her shoulders. She saw Nick mumble something to his 'friend' causing her to hop up over the bar to kiss him on the cheek. Suppressing the wave of nausea that careened round her stomach, Jess noticed him recoil a little and frantically turn to see if she was looking, but it didn't matter, the damage of the evening's events was already done.

Jess felt a faint pang of relief as she saw the blonde drain her glass and turn to leave but true relief would only come from knowing she would never see that blonde again and sadly she knew that wasn't likely. As Lauren disappeared through the door Jess swung her bag over her arm, squeezing Cece's outstretched hand to say goodbye and turned on her heels. She made it about four steps when she heard him yelling after her.

"Jess wait...wait...I'll walk with you."

She turned to face him, her shoulders instantly tensing and her heart thudding so hard she thought it might break out of her chest altogether. She saw him fussing behind the bar, she was pretty sure she had never seen him move so fast. He gestured to Cece and muttered something she couldn't quite make out but after putting two and two together she figured Cece had agreed to cover the last half hour of his shift. She sucked in a breath and swallowed, feeling it sting on the way down as she tried not to cry.

"Ok" she whispered with a shaky breath.

* * *

They walked slowly, Nick stealing glances at Jess as she kept her eyes on the ground, scared she would break if she looked at him. The absence of traffic and the empty street made their lack of conversation all the more apparent. Nick hated it, this was the girl who meant more to him than anything, the girl who had shared his bed, the girl he loved and now they couldn't even talk any more. He didn't know what to say, he didn't know what she needed to hear from him, whether she deserved to hear anything in light of her own undisclosed relationship which he couldn't yet bring himself to ask her about.

"I was going to tell you Jess."

"It's ok Nick you don't need to tell me if you don't want to." She kept her eyes down feeling Nick's boring into the side of her face. She adjusted her glasses nervously, flattening her palms against her skirt and straightening it as she walked even though it was crease free.

"It's just a date." He prodded further.

"It's ok Nick." She tried to make him see that and explanation from him wasn't necessary but the truth was she didn't want to hear. He continued in spite of her dismissal.

"I just thought with everything that's happened it might do me good. Help me move on." Nick's voice was quiet and sullen, he had no more conviction in what he was saying that Jess did in her 'understanding' facial expressions.

"Uh huh." Jess nodded, praying for him to change the conversation to something that didn't make her want the ground to swallow her whole. She was still nodding her head lightly when she realised she could no longer hear the soft shuffle of his shoes on the pavement, she looked to her right and seeing nothing but air she stopped and turned around. Nick stood glaring at her, his mouth hanging open, his tongue pushed to the side in annoyance.

"Give me _something_ Jess."

"What do you mean?" Jess feigned ignorance knowing full well he wasn't going to buy it.

"Do you even care about what you just saw, does it bother you at all?" There was a despair to his voice he couldn't mask even though he knew how weak it made him seem, but that's what she had done to him. Being without her made him weaker no matter how hard he tried to make it seem otherwise.

"How can you ask me that?!" Jess almost wanted to laugh at the absurdity of his question but her annoyance powered through.

"Well does it?"

"Of course it bothers me! How do you expect me to feel seeing you with another girl but what do you want me to say Nick? Don't go out with her?"

Nick paused and took a step toward her, his face softening but his insides rigid with tension. These intimate conversations were so rare now and they made him nervous, always terrified that she would say something he didn't want to hear. Suddenly the bravado he had built up through the day melted away as her eyes drew him back in.

"Is that what you want?"

She was silent, her eyes darting over his face uncontrollably, she had a fearful look on her face like he was systematically exposing something she had been keeping masterfully hidden.

"I don't know Nick."

He took another step towards her, his lungs no longer familiar with their primary function.

"This guy...is he what you want?"

She tilted her head in discomfort, breaking their intense eye contact. "Don't Nick."

Feeling emboldened he reached his hand up to her face, his index finger resting under her chin and lifting her head gently. "Do you want him like you wanted me?"

She wanted to cry and she wanted to kiss him, god she wanted to kiss him. "Of course not I..." Her voice trailed off into silence as her brain caught up with her heart.

"What?" The desperation in Nick's voice was palpable as he grabbed the top of her arms impatiently, lightly jerking her, not enough to scare her but enough to try and shake out the words he wanted to hear. "Jess what? Talk to me please."

Jess looked deep into his pleading eyes. She knew what she wanted in that moment but the fear of screwing it up and losing him forever was enough to make her turn to stone. She couldn't risk him, he was the one thing in her life she wasn't prepared to jeopardize. Her heart had written a book load of things for her to say to him to make the moment end how both of them wanted it to, but her head won out. She raised her hands to the tops of his arms trailing them down to his wrists and pulling his arms away from her and back by his sides. She slide her fingers a little lower to his palms and squeezed tightly.

"I just want you to be happy Nick. That's all I want...and if she makes you happy then I think you should go out with her." She swallowed the words like razor blades and saw his heart shatter into a million pieces while she felt like her own had withered away completely, while else would she be doing this to him?

"That's really how you feel?" Nick's voice was small, his eyes glossed with a fine sheen of unshed tears.

Her nod was almost imperceptible but it was enough for him to see. His dropped her hands pulling his jacket around him, he glanced at her one last time and strode ahead of her in to the night. They walked back to the loft together in silence with Jess three steps behind him the whole way.


	8. Chapter 8

"Oh my god that was amazing." James leaned back in his chair outside the quaint little cafe patting his belly in appreciation of the copious amount of food he had just packed away.

"So I see." Jess giggled as she eyed his empty plate comparing it with her own which was still full of food.

"So what should we do today?" He reached across the table to thread his fingers through hers, swaying her hand back and forth playfully. His cheeks were high and peachy on his face, partly because he was squinting hard in the glaring morning sun, but mainly because he couldn't stop smiling at the beautiful girl in his company. She smiled back at him lazily, stroking the back of his hand with her thumb. Her head had been in the clouds the past couple of days and she felt bad. Sure there was a part of her life that was a royal mess but it wasn't his fault, he deserved her full attention so that's what he was going to get. Her focus would be on him today and nothing else, not Nick, not Lauren and certainly not their impending date which she was absolutely not thinking about.

"I don't know, what do you feeling like doing?" She mused.

"Nuh uh I asked you first."

She bit her lower lip coyly and prodded his cheek dimple with her finger, she couldn't believe how cute his dimples were, he was like a Disney character. He was always smiling, he was a happy soul and she loved that about him, but that was the only side of him she had seen so far. She wondered what he was like when he was moody or mad. She had to admit that sometimes she liked the challenge of that, of being the one to make someone feel better, to coax that smile out of even the most stern face. She ran her finger from his cheek to his bottom lip, immediately chiding the absurd notion of wanting to see him frown. He had a beautiful, happy face and she didn't want that to change, not for her, not for anything.

"We could go to the market down town that might be fun?"

"Sure, you gonna teach me some haggling skills?"

"I don't think you haggle for vegetables but sure why not?" She laughed before her face fell a little more serious. "Actually I was thinking we could buy some nice food for later..." He glanced at her over his coffee cup, raising an eyebrow questioningly. She suppressed the smile his hopeful face was evoking and continued. "I was thinking maybe I could cook for you tonight...at your place?"

He set his cup down and squeezed her hand a little tighter trying to control the goofy smile that was slowly breaking out across his face.

"I think that sounds like a plan I could get on board with."

* * *

"Are you nervous, you must be nervous, gosh I would be so nervous Nicholas. I mean when was the last time you went on a date? Can't we count Jess, I mean did you guys ever really go on a proper date?"

Nick stared incredulously at Schmidt, stunned at his lack of tact. Shaking his head in disbelief he turned to a more sane and calm looking Winston who was just as wide eyed as Nick.

"Schmidt do you think you're helping right now." Winston posed with a look of utter confusion on his face.

"I need to make sure Nick is prepared Winston, this is his first date since 'she who will not be named' and I want to make sure he's ready. Plus I work with Lauren so I need to make sure I'm not going to be embarrassed." Schmidt rolled his eyes at Winston's supposed inane questions and continued to sip his latte.

Nick brought his coffee mug to his mouth assuming Schmidt had finished but had barely finished blowing the steam away from the top before he continued.

"What are you wearing Nick?"

"Clothes Schmidt." Nick barked, in no mood for Schmidt's unrelenting critique.

"Ha ha, I'm serious Nick. It concerns me greatly that you haven't asked for my help on this yet and your date is in three hours"

"I don't need to look all fancy we're just going to a steakhouse."

"A steakhouse Nick!"

"Yes a steakhouse and before you ask it was her choice not mine and I happened to like a girl who likes her meat so zip it Schmidt! I'll be wearing jeans, a shirt and a smile and that's all there is to it."

Schmidt rested his head in his hands, closing his eyes in disdain like Nick had just committed some cardinal sin. Sighing Nick picked up his coffee and headed for his room. He had the luxury of pretending Schmidt was annoying him but the truth was the conversation was making him nervous, or even more nervous than he already was. He would never admit it to him but Schmidt had a point, when was the last time he had been on a proper date? What the hell was he going to talk to her about? He had used up all his 'getting to know you' questions at the bar the other night, now he was going to have to make actual conversation and let her see who he really was. He was faced with the very real prospect that Lauren may not like what she sees and then he would be back to square one, sitting home alone making himself sick wondering where Jess was and what she was doing, or _who_ she was doing.

He sat on his bed resting his head hard against the wall. He hadn't see Jess all day which he assumed was intentional on her part, they hadn't spoken much in the last couple of days after their run in outside the bar, she was embarrassed and he was mad, it didn't make for a comfortable interaction. He didn't know where the hell they were or what he was to her and the confusion tormented him daily. The real irony was that they had broken up to try and make things simpler between them and things were harder now than they had ever been.

He missed her desperately, he had been clinging on to the hope that at the right time, under the right circumstances they could find their way back to each other but it was just a pipe dream, he knew that now. Jess had the chance to tell him how she was feeling and she didn't take it, she told him to move on with Lauren so that was exactly what he was going to try and do.

* * *

Jess strolled around the market leisurely, revelling in the comfort of the familiar surroundings. She had a nervous feeling low in her belly but she was determined to follow through with her decision. She had been dating James for a month now and she wanted to take it to the next step, he had been so patient with her and she couldn't string him along any further. She wasn't sure how she was actually going to pull it off, the thought of being physical with another man brought her out in a cold sweat. Her connection with Nick when they made love had been the most intense thing she had ever experienced, she wasn't sure she would ever have that again with another man. He had known her body inside out and how to make her toes curl and although she would never say a word to James he really, really had his work cut out.

As they walked by the stalls one by one she listened to him chattering next to her and smiled, she knew he would take care of her and he would be gentle but it was taking all her strength not to tell him she had changed her mind. She pondered whether her sudden change of heart was anything to do with the fact Nick was going on his date tonight but she refused to believe she would be that petty or vengeful even though she feared there might be some truth to it.

She knew herself and she wasn't completely illogical, if she felt nothing for James she wouldn't even be contemplating it and she was, she was more than contemplating it she had said it out loud, it was out there now. As far as James was concerned he was getting laid tonight. She sucked in a breath as her muscles tensed at the thought, she squeezed his hand involuntarily which she managed to pass of as an affectionate gesture.

* * *

Nick buttoned up his shirt, occasionally shaking his hands to rid himself of the jumpy feeling that was shooting through them making him fumble so much that even changing was a challenge. Every part of him was screaming at him to cancel, that he wasn't ready, that he was going to humiliate himself but he carried on in spite of the doubting voice in his head, swigging his beer now and again for good measure. How had Jess found this so easy? How had she settled so quickly into a new relationship when it had been an enormous challenge for him just to dial Lauren's number. Nick reluctantly answered his own questions, quite simply she was over it and he wasn't.

He glanced at his watch for the thousandth time, his heart pumping hard in his chest with every minute that went by bringing his date closer. Lauren liked him, he had no doubt about that but how was he going to convincingly hide his battle scars from his relationship with Jess, scars that were far from healed. What if he talked about her by accident? How did he stop himself from mentioning something that was on his mind twenty four seven?

Nick groaned out loud cursing himself for exacerbating his own anxiety. He paced his room trying hard to focus on everything that was going to be good about the evening to come. Lauren was pretty, she was easygoing, she was fun to talk to and she liked steak, maybe tonight wouldn't be so bad. He looked at his watch one more time, swallowing hard when he realised it was time to leave. He threw back the rest of his beer, slapped his cheeks vigorously and barged towards his door with purpose swinging it open before he had the chance to change his mind. His momentary swagger dissipated as he saw Jess standing opposite him with wide eyes.

"Hi" The word came out as more of a squeak than she intended.

"Hey" Nick hadn't meant for his voice to sound as hard or disappointed as it did but seeing her standing there in her short skirt and tight sweater was the last thing he needed in the moment. Somebody up there really had it in for him.

"You look nice." She stuttered. That was an understatement, he looked sexy as hell which bothered a lot her considering where he was headed.

"Uh...thanks..." He cocked his head toward the overnight bag she was carrying over her shoulder. "You going somewhere?" He regretted asking the question the second it came out of his mouth

"No...well yeah...I'm just um...I'm cooking for James tonight so..."

The realisation hit Nick like a punch to the chest, a punch that dislodged his heart and made it drop down into his belly.

"Right." He didn't want any more information, he had heard enough.

"Anyway, I should go...have fun on your date Nick."

"Thanks" He watched her walk away knowing that when he saw her again everything would be different between them.

* * *

James led Jess up the stairs to his apartment, he had barely been able to contain his excitement that she had agreed to come for the evening, and the fact she had brought an overnight bag, well that was just amazing. He wasn't naive, he knew there was something going on with Jess, something in her life or her past that she wasn't quite ready to talk to him about yet and that was fine. They had only been dating for a month there was plenty of time for her to feel more comfortable around him and let him in. He was just grateful to have her there now, he cared about her a lot and he didn't want to mess it up, he was almost 35 and he needed to settle down. It was time.

Turning to look at her he could see she was still a little apprehensive so he squeezed her hand reassuringly and brought his keys to the lock to open the door. He'd had no idea tonight would be the night so it was imperative he distract Jess for ten minutes while he did a quick sweep of the apartment to make sure there was no dirty underwear or burrito wrappers lying around. The smell of last night's Chinese takeout was still lingering making him screw up his nose and curse himself a little but as he turned to make an apologetic face to Jess she didn't seem too offended, even if her nostrils were.

"So...yeah...this is my apartment. Like I said if I known I would have..."

She stepped in front of him pressing her index finger against his lips to stop his jabbering and leaned on her tip toes to peck him on the lips gently, instantly settling him down.

"I love it." She cooed softly, stroking her fingers affectionately through the side of his hair.

"Ok, I'm just gonna go clear away the dead bodies in the next room and I'll be right back."

She laughed as he scampered off, no doubt to change his bed sheets or clean the toilet or rid himself of something incriminating. Relaxing in the brief few moments she had to herself, she settled on his sofa and glanced round curiously. She didn't know why the thought of coming here had intimidated her so much, it wasn't so scary. But as the silence hit her she found herself making conversation with James through the wall as he busied around in his bedroom, not talking about anything in particular, she just need to keep talking so she didn't have time to think.

She could have done without running into Nick in the loft, for his sake as well as hers. She hadn't yet figured out if it was good or bad that Nick knew she was planning on spending the night at James'. She was pretty sure it hadn't made him feel too fantastic but at least she hadn't hidden it from him right? Right? His mind would be somewhere else tonight anyway, on _someone_ else.

As her stomach did a small flip at the thought she marched into James' kitchen to distract herself. Retrieving the most expensive bottle of wine she had ever purchased from her shopping bag she searched his kitchen for wine glasses. Alcohol seemed like an amazing idea in that moment. She opened cupboards to no avail but stopped short as two strong arms appeared on either side of her to open the cabinet above her head, pulling out two wine glasses. Setting them on the counter in front of her he smoothly moved his hands to her waist spinning her around and kissing her hard before she could get a word out. As they opened their mouths against one another he seamlessly slipped his fingers under her sweater softly stroking her lower back, instantly bringing her out in goose pimples which took as a good sign and kissed her even harder.

Jess had prepared herself for the evenings events, to a degree, but none of her scenarios had escalated this quickly. She rested her hand on his wrists pushing down softly.

"Whoa there Mr. We have plenty of time for that...Let's eat first. I paid a small fortune for all of this food." She brushed past him seductively towards the stove and offered him a sly little wink. Since when did she wink at guys. That was weird, she was definitely nervous.

* * *

Nick paid the cab driver and scooted out of the cab. Slamming the door he checked his watch, dammit he was ten minutes late. He shouldn't have stayed behind to knock back those two shots of Dutch courage, but his little encounter with Jess had done nothing for his nerves which were already more than a little frayed. It was taking every ounce of strength he had not to lose it over the fact that Jess would be having sex with another man tonight. One thing was for sure, if it wasn't for this date he would be a lot more broken and drunk than he was was right now. Although the night was still young.

He hoped she was one of those women who went for a fashionably late entrance so he could sneak in and she would be none the wiser but as he opened the door to the restaurant he spotted her instantly. She looked great, one of those girls who could look amazing wearing nothing but jeans and a simple shirt. If ever there was a remedy to the nausea over Jess' night of passion, this was it.

He wandered over sheepishly with an anxious smile, his hands jammed tight in his pockets so she wouldn't see how nervous he was. When he was finally close enough to catch her eyes, she swung round on her stool at the bar and beamed at him, instantly the tension in his shoulders dissolved.

"Hi there." She chirped gleefully.

"Hey, I'm really sorry I'm a little late. I got held up."

"Oh please, I've had guys fail to turn up altogether, this is nothing."

He smiled at her again, a little less nervous and a little more genuine this time. She hopped of her stool and stood next to him, close enough to brush up against his side.

"So shall we eat, I'm starving."

"Sure... let's do it." He held his hand against the small of her back motioning for her to lead the way, which she did willingly.

A while later Nick glanced at his watch, he hadn't meant to, it just caught his attention as he went to take a sip of his beer. He was surprised to see he had made it through an hour and a half and she was still there, the conversation was still flowing. He was glad she was a talker, lord knows he needed to keep his mind occupied, plus he wasn't a fan of awkward silences. Was anyone? So far the conversation had been light and funny, nothing too probing or personal which he was grateful for. He was happy he didn't need to delve too much into the grand mess that was his life on the first date. Well that was what he thought until he realised Lauren was a little more observant than she had first let on.

"I gotta say Nick I'm kinda surprised you asked me out."

"You are?" He raised an eyebrow intrigued as to where she was going with her bold statement.

"Well yeah, when I met you at the party you didn't seem all that into me. I actually thought you were with that brunette you were talking to."

Nick's heart dropped and he felt his face fall a little, he raised his glass to his mouth to disguise it the best he could. Laughing nervously, he promptly filled his mouth with food to avoid responding but it was clear Lauren was waiting for him to refute or agree with what she had said. Suddenly he felt very hot.

"Jess is um...she's my roommate. I'm sure Schmidt mentioned her right?"

"No not really, but I guess if Schmidt told everyone in the office he lived with a girl it wouldn't do much for his 'eligible bachelor' reputation you know."

Nick let out an airy laugh through his nose as he continued to chew, hoping that part of the conversation was over. For the first time in his life he really wanted to carrying on talking about Schmidt.

"So has Schmidt ever had a thing with her?"

He almost choked on his food as he let out a noise somewhere between and laugh and an objecting grunt.

"No. No he hasn't"

A long pause went by which made Nick squirm in his seat.

"Have you?" Lauren leaned on her elbows, eyeing him over her wine glass with a playful smile. She had no idea what she was asking.

"Um...we had a thing for a little while yeah but it's over now so..."

"I figured." Lauren nodded casually, relatively unfazed by his response, like it was a question she already knew the answer to. "...And you're over it?"

Nick chewed his food slowly, he was chewing so hard the muscles in his jaw were flexing uncontrollably. He knew that with each second he remained silent the question was already being answered so taking a deep breath and clenching his fist hard under the table he replied.

"Yeah I'm over it." Nick raised his glass to his mouth fixing his eyes to the bottom for fear she would see the lie in them. A few uncomfortable seconds went by as Nick racked his brains for something else to say but she had blind-sided him with her question, a question he hadn't even been able to ask himself yet. The feeling of betrayal that tightened his chest was overwhelming even though he knew deep down there was no validity to it.

"Well that's good to know." She smiled warmly, seemingly happy she had got the answer she wanted. "I'd say that calls for another drink wouldn't you?"

"Sure." Nick slumped back in his chair as she turned to gesture to the waiter, he felt like he had just dodged a bullet.

* * *

Jess stirred the sauce in the pan the action hypnotising her as her mind drifted away again. She almost forgot where she was for a second until a pair of arms snaked around her waist. James rested his chin on her shoulder taking a big breath in through his nose, enthusiastically smelling what she was cooking.

"Mmm that smells incredible Jess. I like having you here in my apartment like this. It feels nice."

"I like it here, it's comfy."

She meant it, he worked in the lower echelons of publishing so it's not like he was rolling in it, his apartment wasn't flashy but it was quaint and cozy with books littering every nook and cranny, not in a pretentious way just in a way that was very him. It was a grown up apartment, the kind that made her feel a little silly for living in a loft with three guys in her thirties. James was so...together, and she always imagined that kind of stability would be enough for her but now a part of her was inexplicably drawn to the chaos the loft brought to her life, it kept things interesting. But maybe James could be the one to bring something to her life she had never had, she had never experienced a grown up relationship, not even with Russell so she had no idea if she was any good at it. She loved Nick, painfully, but was he ever going to get it together? Did she really want him to? Maybe James was the solution to all the problems she was creating.

She turned in his arms and ran her hands up his chest hooking them around his neck. Without saying a word she kissed him intensely taking him a little by surprise. Pulling back after several moments she saw a wide, aroused grin spread across his face and she smiled biting her lips flirtatiously.

"Well hi." He drawled in a low gravely tone that let her know he was definitely more than just a little bit turned on.

"Hi" She leaned back in to kiss him again, letting her tongue dual with is. They kissed in a way they had never kissed before and she knew where it was heading. It had been a while since she had found herself in a situation like this and she could feel the nerves spreading from her belly to all her extremities. She felt his hands run down her back slowly and smooth over her butt to the tops of her thighs and suddenly her feet were leaving the ground. This was happening, this was really happening.

"What about dinner." She breathed into his mouth.

"Screw it." With that he carried her to his bedroom.

* * *

As the cool night air hit Nick's face he realised the alcohol had affected him a little more than he thought, looking at Lauren swaying gently next to him he feared she was having the same problem. It was then he realised that maybe she was as nervous as he was so perhaps the levels of Dutch courage required were somewhat even. The thought relieved him but also made him feel a little sorry for her. He didn't know her well enough to pry though. It would be a while before he could question whether or not she was dealing with a broken heart like he was, but the idea that she might be made him warm to her.

Glancing to his right he noticed her shiver, rubbing her palms against the tops of her arms as they waited for a cab. Not too drunk to forget his manners he took off his jacket and draped it around her shoulders gently. He smiled shyly as he saw her staring at him with a mildly desirous look on her face, it was then he realised their faces had got a little closer than he intended, but in spite of that he didn't move away.

He felt something, it was low in his belly and it was barely recognisable but it was there and it surprised him. All this time he had been thinking how much this date might affect Jess, he hadn't really stopped to consider how it might affect him. It wasn't comparable to anything he felt for Jess but it's mere presence both unnerved and confounded him in equal measure.

She laughed at him softly and he realised he hadn't said anything for several moments, he had just stood running his hands gently up and down the tops of her arms to warm her up. He was unsure of his next move, he forgot how these things worked but as his brain took a little too long to tick over Lauren made his mind up for him and pressed her lips firmly against his.

He had try to imagine what he would do if this situation were to arise, and in all the scenarios in his head he had pulled away and run a thousand miles. His mind hadn't let him process the concept from beginning to end. But now that he was in the moment and it was happening he found his feet standing firm, his lips responding to hers. Part of him hoped this was really growth and courage he was experiencing and that it wasn't just the alcohol controlling his mouth like a puppet. It was hard to know completely as the fuzziness in his head grew stronger.

They were interrupted by the sound of the cab driver coughing to get their attention. Nick and Lauren smiled at each other flirtatiously letting out small breathy laughs. He released her arms and moved to open the cab door for her taking the brief moment her back was turned to catch his breath and figure out what the hell he was doing. As he settled into the cab next to her she instantly gravitated to his side, hooking her arm through his so she was leaning tight against him. He couldn't think of anything to say, not one thing. Once again she rescued him.

"Look both my roommates have their boyfriends over tonight so my place is a little crowded, what do you say we take this back to yours. No funny business, just another drink or two. I'm not ready for the night to end yet...are you?"

He coughed "Um...sure ok."

He wanted to say something else to make it clear it was a drink and nothing more but he didn't get the chance, she was kissing him again.

* * *

She wasn't entirely sure exactly how it had happened but somehow she was in James' bedroom, on his bed with her top half completely naked. She scraped her fingers against his scalp, his hair tickling her chin as his mouth played fondly with her breasts. There was no doubt that she was turned on, physically things felt pretty damn great but something was throwing her off her game, stopping her from relaxing completely. The act of what she was doing was familiar and definitely arousing but it felt different, everything felt different and it was setting her on edge. His hands felt softer on her skin, his shoulders were narrower under her hands, his lips were firmer and his demeanor less commanding, something just felt - wrong.

She told herself that it was to be expected, that the first time after Nick was always going to be weird, she berated herself for overthinking everything and tried to channel the energy from her brain to her body. She pushed against his chest, leaning her weight against him to get him to roll on to his back. She might not be familiar with what he was doing but she was familiar with what she could do.

* * *

As they closed the gap between the elevator and the front door Nick knew they were walking towards an empty loft, all the guys had made plans for the night so he and Lauren would be all alone. A thought that would once have turned him on no end now filled him with dread. Suddenly he couldn't for the life of him think why he had agreed to her coming back with him. He was messed up right now, he knew that, a decision like this was never going to be smart. He could feel the alcohol fogging up his brain, he had no idea how much they'd had which was never a good sign. Schmidt wasn't kidding when he said Lauren could drink with the best of them.

Jess always got giddy after a couple of glasses, still she was adorable when she was drunk. As he realised small smile was playing on his face at the memory he snapped out of it and swung open the door to the loft ushering Lauren inside with a sudden renewed sense of determination. Memories of Jess were like fuel to the fire it seemed. Kicking the door closed behind him inelegantly and throwing his keys on the table next to the door he started towards the kitchen with Lauren trailing behind him enthusiastically.

Nick rested his hand high on the frame of the fridge as he swung open the door welcoming the cool air on his now flushed face. He shook his head a little squinting his eyes to see the bottles clearly, he had definitely had too much already, this was a bad idea.

"So what do you want to drink, we've got beer, whiskey..."

"Ooh you've got some pink wine there I see. I could go for some of that if that's ok?"

"Um...ok."

He retrieved the bottle reluctantly, it was Jess' favourite. Still, he didn't want to seem weird by telling Lauren she couldn't have any so he poured out a glass with the naive and drunken notion of topping it up with water later so Jess might not notice. With her glass in hand Lauren turned on her heels and paced casually round the open plan of the loft.

"This is a great place you got here."

"Thanks...yeah we like it and the rent is pretty decent so..."

"So which room is yours." She asked cheekily, swaying her body back and forth coquettishly.

Nick let out a shocked airy laugh as he raised his eyebrows high on his forehead surprised by how forward she was being. He glanced at her, but as her stare became too intensely flirty he looked down nervously playing with the label on his beer bottle as he leaned on the kitchen counter to steady himself.

"Um, believe it or not I actually share with Schmidt now."

"What!" she laughed almost choking on her wine.

"Feel free to run for the hills if you like." Nick half joked as he trudged towards her slowly, gesturing mockingly towards the door.

"How the hell did that happen?"

"Long story." Also a story he didn't want to tell.

Lauren rested her butt on the back of the sofa and reached towards Nick tugging softly at the front of his shirt until his feet gave way and he took a step forward to stand in between her legs.

"What if I told you I thought it was kinda cute." She stared at him through hooded eyes and licked a drop of wine off her top lip as she sipped it slowly.

Nick couldn't think of a response, he couldn't think of anything, he could barely hear with the sound of his own heart thudding in his ears. She walked her fingers up the buttons of his shirt each movement counting down like a timer, only he wasn't sure what was going to happen when the buzzer went off. Reaching his collar she scraped her finger tips lightly over the hair on his chest before she fisted the material in her hand pulling his face forcefully down to hers.

His head was screaming at him to stop, that he wasn't ready but his mouth had succumbed to the affect of the alcohol and he found himself kissing her back. He was kissing another woman in the loft he shared with his ex-girlfriend, a girl who he had shared his first kiss with, who he had first made love to just a few feet away. Just like that Nick could feel himself starting to panic and he wrenched his lips away from Lauren's a little more eagerly than he had planned to. With their faces still just centimetres apart they panted into each other's mouths, he could see a look of mild confusion furrowing her usually smooth forehead.

"Too much?" She questioned breathlessly.

He gently grabbed the hand that hand been clutching his shirt and swung in affectionately down by her side. "Maybe we could just talk for a little while?"

"Well that's a first." She smiled warmly. "Sure, but I think you might need something a little stronger than beer to help you loosen up. What do you say we crack that bottle of whiskey open?"

* * *

Jess didn't know what she was doing, her and James were locked at a stalemate, they had been stuck at second base for a half hour. Her fingers had danced around the waistband of his boxers for an eternity but every time they delved underneath she panicked and brought them back up to his face, pushing her tongue in his mouth in a naive bid to distract him from the fact they were both still half clothed. It didn't work, taking charge he tightened his arm around her waist and flipped them back over, his weight pushing her down into the mattress. He ran his hand agonizingly slowly down her stomach and trailed his index finger along the waistline of her skirt before settling his hand on the zipper, toying with the piece of metal momentarily before pulling down and shimmying the material down her legs.

Jess could feel how hard he was against her and she felt her breath catch in her throat, things were rapidly getting to the point of no return and her lousy brain couldn't seem to catch up with her now almost completely naked body. In the time it took to have that thought her tights were gone and he was adorably peeling of his socks which for reason made her feel like the worst person in the world, but it was in that intimate moment she realised something - she wasn't ready. She was doing this for the wrong reasons.

As his hands came to rest at the top of her underwear she bolted upright and grabbed his wrists as gently but as purposefully as she could. The confused look on his face made her heart want to break, how could she do this to him, this wasn't fair? Realising she still had her breasts exposed to him as they sat there she reached for the blanket pulling it up around her chest. She rubbed her forehead harshly with her finger and thumb as she realised there was no good explanation to give him, she had to tell him the truth. She felt his fingers settle on her wrists pulling her hand away from her face delicately.

"Jess what's wrong?"

Inside Jess begged for him to hate her, she didn't deserve for him to be caring and understanding with her right now, she had led him on there was no other way to describe it.

"James I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I'm just not ready for this."

"What's going on Jess?"

"James I really care about you but..."

"But what?"

"I need to tell you some stuff."

* * *

Nick felt the burning sensation run down his throat and start a fire in his chest. He closed one eye to bring the bottle into focus which was now sitting half empty on the coffee table. He turned back to Lauren who was sitting sideways on the sofa, one leg tucked under her while the other was draped full length over his thighs. It seemed like everything he was saying was hysterical as she laughed raucously and rewarded each joke with a stroke to the back of the neck or running her fingers lightly up an down his arm. He hadn't had the heart to ask her to leave, she seemed too happy to be there so the approach he had taken had been to throw back a shot of whiskey as punishment every time his mind wandered to Jess. He didn't want to feel like this any more, he didn't want to pine after Jess for the rest of his left, he contemplated exactly what it would take to get over her. As his mind ticked over, he absent-mindedly rested his hand on Lauren's leg as she chatted to him about her job, her roommates, her life in general. As he began to move his thumb back and forth he realized she had stopped talking and was staring at him lustfully. He had no idea what he was doing or what he was starting.

"Well Nick, this is some first date I gotta say."

"Yeah?" He drawled.

"Oh yeah."

Without further warning she set her glass down on the coffee table and grabbed his face in both hands pressing her lips hard and open against his. It wasn't the most elegant or skilful kissing and they could both taste the whiskey on each other's tongues. Lips, tongues and teeth collided messily but intensely. His mind went to Jess instantly, he couldn't control it, his subconscious was hell bent on torturing him to death as he pictured Jess writhing around naked with that faceless man he had already come to hate with a fiery passion. As his imagination ran wild he pressed his lips against Lauren's even harder, kneading her flesh in his hands pushing all the energy that was powering his imagination into her.

Her hand trailed down his torso to rest firmly on his groin and immediately his muscles flinched to move her arm away but he fought it and carried on kissing her. There was no doubting the physicality of it, she was touching him and he was responding, his body was willing but whether his mind was, was a completely different story. Her scent was different, her kissing was different, her hair felt different in his hands, he pulled back to properly assess what felt so alien under his touch. She stroked his face tenderly as she looked at him trying to figure him out.

"Nick do you want me to go?" She whispered, her faces millimetres from his.

He stroked her hair away from her face and his internal battle reached a resolution.

* * *

**The next morning**

Jess entered a very quiet loft, she tiptoed to her room even though it was pretty late in the morning and everybody was probably awake anyway. Inside her room she kicked off her pumps and threw her bag on her bed in exhaustion, she hadn't slept a wink, she suspected James hadn't either. Trying in vain to wipe the tiredness from her eyes, she yawned loud and aggressively. She tore off her sweater and headed for the shower to wake herself up.

Today she would throw on her sweats and spend the whole day watching crappy TV and eating ice cream, the last twenty four hours had been eventful to say the least and she just wanted to switch off for a couple of hours and dial down the intensity but as she swung open her door she soon realised that was too much to hope for.

She found herself face to face with a dishevelled looking Lauren stepping out of Nick's bedroom dressed in nothing but a flannel shirt.


	9. Chapter 9

"Hi...it's Jess right?" Lauren swayed uncomfortably on the balls of her feet, her left leg crossing awkwardly over her right. She pulled at the hem of Nick's shirt to cover her modesty as much as she could but it made little difference. After several moments passed she realised the brunette's expression hadn't changed and it wasn't an expression that made her feel all that welcome. Shaking her head and remembering her manners she extended her hand across the hallway. "I'm Lauren...I work with Schmidt." The intonation of her sentence rose upwards, imploring Jess to remember her.

After uneasily eyeing her long tanned legs and the way there were just two small shirt buttons barely keeping her breasts covered, Jess finally raised her hand to meet Lauren's apprehensively. Feeling light-headed, Jess leaned a little to the left using the door frame as a support, her blood was coursing around her body so fast she could feel every vein throbbing under skin. "Hi...yeah I'm Jess, I remember seeing you at the party." Jess' voice trailed off as a whisper as she gulped hard. She had no more to say, all her strength was going into keeping herself upright.

Lauren knew who she was, Jess could tell by the way she was looking at her. The very thought that Nick had been discussing their relationship with this woman who had evidently spent the night in his bed and was now wearing nothing but his shirt, the shirt she used to wear, made her feel sick to her stomach.

Realising the conversation was going nowhere and attempting to afford Jess the small amount of respect that she could, given the circumstances, Lauren turned and gestured toward the bathroom. "I'm just gonna...um..." She didn't bother finishing she just started to walk holding Nick's shirt under her butt to make sure it wasn't on show.

Jess watched her disappear and pressed her hand to her chest as it started to rise and fall uncomfortably quickly, her mouth fell agape to let more air into her lungs but it wasn't working, she was panicking. Turning back into her room she grabbed her sweater and bag and bolted for the front door bumping shoulders hard with Winston on her way out, not stopping to apologise, she didn't even consider stopping, she needed to get out.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa Jess...you ok?...where you going?" Winston yelled after her but he was met with nothing but the sound of a slamming door. He walked towards the front door to open it and check if she was ok but before his hand had a chance to turn the knob he heard soft footsteps coming up the hallway behind him. Taking a step back he was just in time to see a blonde girl clad in a flannel shirt, slip through the crack of Nick's door. Opening the door into an empty hallway, Winston saw the elevator doors closing and the realisation hit him.

"Oh man. This is not good" He whispered to himself.

* * *

Jess found herself at Cece's door, she had walked all the way there, she had no idea why it just felt like the thing to do. She felt lost, like her mind was trying to fit together a puzzle unaware that there were pieces missing. Her breathing was shallow, her lungs inadequate in keeping her calm and controlled. She knocked at Cece's door, a frantic knock befitting of her mental state. She had come to Cece's expecting to rant and and vent her anger but when she saw the comforting, warm face of her friend she broke down, her body racked with sobs. Cece didn't need details she knew what it was about. Pulling Jess into her arms she ushered her into her apartment and closed the door.

Ten minutes later Cece placed a mug of hot tea in between Jess' waiting hands as she sat curled up on the couch looking more scared and vulnerable than Cece had ever seen her. Overcome with compassion Cece leaned towards her friend, tucking her leg up and mirroring her position, their knees resting against one another's. Cece stroked a stray hair away from Jess' face and tried to bring her out of whatever hole she had fallen into.

"So what happened? Is this about Nick's date?"

Jess' face crumbled once more and Cece had her answer.

"He slept with her Cece."

"Oh my god." Cece scooted even closer to Jess resting her hands comfortingly on her legs. "Did he tell you that?" Cece's face was etched with concern, she tried to keep her voice steady to avoid exacerbating Jess' anxiety but Cece was almost as shocked as Jess. She knew how uncertain Nick had been about even going on the date in the first place. That he would sleep with her seemed crazy.

"He didn't need to...I saw her coming out of his room this morning...dressed in one of his shirts."

"Oh Jess honey I'm so sorry." Cece shook her head and blinked fast as her brain, which had been comfortably stuck in a Sunday morning mindset up until ten minutes ago, eagerly tried to make sense of the drama that was unfolding in front of her eyes. "Well...I mean...what did he have to say about it?"

"I don't know"

"What do you mean?"

"I didn't see him. I didn't get the chance, I ran away."

"So then you don't actually know for sure?"

"I'm not naive Cece."

Cece shook her head and squeezed Jess' hand "I'm not saying that but you need to know for sure Jess."

"I don't want to talk to him."

"Sweetie you have to. This is a big deal Jess and you need to be sure. Sex is a real game changer."

Jess looked up at her friend with tear soaked eyes, her words sinking into her skin like acid.

* * *

Nick allowed himself to be trailed by the hand from his bedroom to the front door of the loft, his body didn't put up too much of a fight. He was still in a state of shock, he hadn't expected to find her in his bed this morning and his head was still reeling from trying to make sense of it all. He glanced back at Jess' open bedroom door, both relieved and repulsed to see her bed hadn't been slept in. Turning his head back towards the door Lauren's face was centimetres from his and before he knew it there were lips pressed hard against his. He successfully managed to make it into one of those awkwardly hideous kisses with stiff lips, tense limbs and open eyes. He wasn't proud of it but he wasn't equipped to deal with this is the cold, sober light of day.

When she was done he dabbed his lips with the back of his hand subtly while she played with his collar, straightening it out.

"So I had fun last night." She cooed.

"Yeah it was...something." He offered her half a smile, he wasn't even sure it constituted half a smile but it was all he could manage.

"So...will you call me?"

Nick regarded her face and an intense feeling of guilt washed over him. She was a nice girl and all she had done was like him, really like him. What the hell was he doing? He wasn't capable of just dropping a girl, he didn't have it in him no matter how much Schmidt had tried to teach him. Lauren had feelings and they could be hurt just as easily as his could so he did the decent thing.

"Sure, I'll call you."

A smile broke out across her face and he could help but smile back, for real this time. She pecked him on the lips again and then she was gone leaving Nick frozen at the front door, rigid with disbelief. He wasn't sure how long he had been standing there but he knew Winston was nearby, he turned slowly massaging his jaw and scratching at the scruff that had grown there. He dragged his eyes up slowly to meet Winston who was standing just a few feet away.

"Are you ok man?" Winston scrunched his face up a little as he spoke, his face etched with concern for his friend.

"I don't know...I really don't know." All the colour had drained from Nick's face as reality smacked him hard between the eyes.

"So Lauren spent the night huh?"

Nick didn't answer, he just bit his lip, closed his eyes and nodded slowly.

"Look Nick I know you probably feel guilty but you haven't done anything wrong."

"It doesn't feel that way Winston. 'Wrong' is pretty accurate when it comes to describing how I feel right now."

Winston could see the despair all over Nick's face and he had no idea how to help, he felt completely useless. His head was filled with nothing but inane questions, there wasn't even a smidge of useful advice squirrelled away in there. He had never been in a situation like this before, he had never felt about anybody the way Nick felt about Jess. But right now Jess had Cece and Nick needed him to be on his side.

"She seems like a nice girl." Winston offered, knowing deep down that post- first date banter wasn't what Nick needed. Jess was the real issue here. She always was.

"She is, which makes all of this worse. I don't know how I got myself into this situation Winston. What the hell am I gonna do?"

"Look I think maybe you should give her some space for a few hours you know, let her get her head around everything. Cece will be there for her."

"Cece?" Nick furrowed his eyebrows hard, his heart starting to thud at the mention of Jess' best friend.

A little puzzled at Nick's reaction Winston continued. "Yeah I'm just assuming that's where she is I mean I didn't get a chance to talk to her she ran out pretty fast"

"Wait a minute, wait a minute. Are you talking about Jess?"

There was a silence that was fraught with anxiety and Winston knew it was down to him to break it.

"Lauren didn't tell you?" Winston wanted the ground to swallow him whole.

"Tell me what?!"

"Jess was here this morning."

Nick clutched his stomach like he was about to throw up.

* * *

Nick knees bounced frantically, his nervous tick rattling his arms as he rested his elbows on them. He chewed the inside of his mouth incessantly, almost drawing blood. He had been sitting like that for over an hour waiting for her to come back. The loft was silent as his wise loftmates made themselves scarce for the evening, it was shrouded in virtual darkness as Nick had only taken his mind of Jess long enough to turn on one small lamp. She had been gone for hours and the waiting was killing him, he just wanted to see her and fix everything, if it was fixable. He pressed his knuckle into the corner of his eyes trying ease the headache which had taken residence there for the entire day. Whether it was a hangover or worry he couldn't tell. Just as he was considering going to grab some Advil from the bathroom he heard a key in the lock and his heart started to pound.

Nick was on his feet in half a second as she appeared in the doorway. She stopped where she was, the light from the hall illuminating her from behind. Even in the dim light he could see the red rings around her eyes and his heart sank to his feet. They stared at one another, the air thick with tension and unspoken words. The sound of Nick's low gravelly voice was almost harsh as it broke the silence.

"Hey."

"Hey" She broke eye contact and turned to close the door. She unhooked her bag and dropped in on the side table with her keys drawing out the action and allowing a few moments to compose her herself. Turning back around, he hadn't moved nor had his face changed, he looked like a rabbit in headlights, his mouth hanging open a little, his face fixed in a mild state of shock. As she looked into his eyes she realised the conversation she had been preparing for all day was upon her and suddenly it seemed impossible. She made a break for the kitchen, feeling his eyes follow her in confusion.

She pottered around gathering a tea bag and mug, she had been drinking tea all day and it was the last thing she wanted but she needed something to distract herself, she knew sleeping wasn't an option. She could hear him call her name but she didn't want the conversation, she couldn't listen to the words because then all of this was real.

"Jess!...Jess"

Nothing

"Jess talk to me."

Nick lost his patience, striding over to the kitchen counter he snatched the spoon and mug from her hands and placed them in the sink. She didn't look happy but she didn't make a move to stop him.

"Jess we have to talk about this."

"I don't want to talk about it Nick, I'm tired." She dusted her fingers over the counter playing with a piece of dust that wasn't really there. She was scared to look at him, scared that he wouldn't be the same person to her any more. She pushed her hand against the surface and made a move to leave but he grabbed her wrist stopping her.

"I'm sorry." He looked at her earnestly, his face showing a fear she hadn't seen in him before and it made a shiver run down her spine.

"I said I don't want to talk about it Nick." She wrenched her wrist out of her grasp but he grabbed it again spinning her round more firmly this time.

"Yeah well I do. You can't always call the shots Jess."

"What Nick?! What do you want to talk about? The half naked girl I saw coming out your room this morning, is that it? Fine - let's talk about it."

He had ignited the spark in her now and she knew it was going to burn out of control, she could feel her tongue loosening in anger but she was powerless to stop herself. She clenched her fists as her hands started to shake, she had never felt like this before and it was scaring her. She knew they were teetering on the edge of falling apart or completely imploding and she was terrified to her core. Her sheer panic was masquerading itself as anger and he was her only target.

"Don't do this Jess." He shook his head, narrowing his eyes at her like he was trying to make sense of her. He was trying to stay calm but she was pressing his buttons the way she always did except they were too fragile for that game right now.

"Do what?"

"Turn this this into a fight. I don't want to fight with you I want to explain what it is you saw this morning."

"I don't think you need to explain it Nick. I'm a smart girl I can figure it out all on my own."

"Jess I don't want you to think...I want to explain why she was there."

"I know why and you know what Nick, it really wasn't fair."

"What?!" Difficult was a word he was expecting, abhorrent even, but fair.

"This is my home and to have her parading around like that in front of me just wasn't fair Nick."

That was it, the sparks of anger radiating from her had hit him too and they were burning down to his nerves. He had hoped to stay rational and calm and he had hoped they would come out of this as unscathed as they could no matter how unrealistic that hope was, but her audacity was killing him. He glared at her with wide eyes, his mouth hanging open as it could no longer contain his angry breathing.

"Fair! You wanna talk about fair Jess! You were seeing someone for a month before I found out about it...from Schmidt!You didn't even have the decency to tell me yourself."

"That's different I was trying to spare your feelings, you were deliberately trying to hurt mine."

"You don't know what you're talking about Jess." He yelled at her, his temper was spiralling out of control and so was hers.

"Yeah I do. You were upset that I was with James, that was nothing but revenge sex Nick and you know it. God I didn't think you had it in you to use a girl like that."

"Wait a second I didn't use anybody and believe it or not Jess it wasn't all about you. You've got some nerve, where the hell to _YOU_ get off lecturing me after what you did?"

"What I did?!"

"Don't play the fool Jess, you slept with James last night."

"I don't have to talk to you about this." She started to walk away again but he moved around her blocking her path.

"See you're running away Jess, it's because I'm right aren't I? You had sex with him didn't you?" He grabbed her arm to stop her from turning away, their faces just inches apart."Didn't you?!"

"Let go of me Nick. What does it matter? Why do you care? You slept with Lauren anyway."

"Answer me Jess!"

"Get off me."

"Answer me!"

"Yes ok! Yes I slept with him."

He let go of her arm dropping it back by her side and took a step back from her, his world started to shut down around him. But it wasn't over. Jess softened her voice to a weak whimper and blinked her anger away allowing her tears to fall.

"And you slept with her didn't you?"

His body froze, his eyes unable to leave her face. He barely moved his lips but she heard him nonetheless.

"Yes."

* * *

She pulled her glasses from her face and started to sob, turning her back to him she walked agonizingly slowly to the couch. She felt like she wasn't really there, like she was sleepwalking, part of her hoped she was. She lowered herself on to the couch perching on the edge of the cushion awkwardly like she was in somebody else's home where she didn't belong. She hugged her arms into her stomach and leaned over a little trying to soothe herself but the pain was close to breaking out of her chest.

He watched her from the kitchen, scared to go to her but terrified to leave her alone. His mind was working at a hundred miles and hour to try and make sense of what had just happened. A year ago Jess had been the centre of his universe, she was the only person he ever imagined himself being with ever again and now he had gone and slept with some girl he barely knew, while Jess had spent the night in another man's arms, pressed against a naked body that wasn't his. He was certain his heart was going to stop at any minute.

He ran his hand harshly over his face, squeezing his eyes and willing away the moisture that lingered there. He found his feet carrying him toward her, his eyes boring into the back of her head which hadn't turned round for several moments. Sidestepping the coffee table he looked at her before lowering himself down next to her, mirroring her nervous position. He looked sideways but she kept her eyes down her sniffing was the only noise breaking the painful silence.

The anger had dissipated now and all that was left was a sorrowfulness between them. With weakened hearts and voices they began to communicate.

"I don't know what I'm supposed to say Jess."

"Neither do I." She sniffed

"I didn't plan it, it just ...happened." He looked at her but she still looked too pained to meet his eyes. "You're right I shouldn't have let her stay here, it wasn't fair."

Finally she looked up her red eyes brimming with tears which even the incessant swiping of the back of her hand couldn't assuage.

"No Nick this is your home too I can't tell you not to have people here. I should have been honest about James." Her face collapsed in sadness as her composure dissolved into nothing, the tears streaming uncontrollably down her pale face. "I never meant to hurt you, I swear to god I never..."

"Hey, hey come here."

Nick reached for her pulling her into him, he stroked her back soothing her as he felt her tears seep through the material of his shirt. She fisted the front of his shirt in both hands as she buried her face into his shoulder, clinging to him as though her life depended on it. He ran a hand up her back to cradle the back of her head and he turned his face into her hair wanting to absorb her into him. They let themselves hold each other for as long as they needed to, eventually Nick pulled back to stroke the hair away from her face as he felt her calm under his touch. He trailed his hand from her back, down her arms and to her hands to grasp them tightly. She squeezed his hands back like he was lifeline. They both needed the support and they both knew why.

"Everything is so messed up. I don't know what I'm doing anymore." She shook her head like she no longer knew herself.

"I know, I don't either."

She gripped his hands even tighter and looked up at him but his eyes were fixed to his lap in trepidation, her own face shrouded with fear.

"This isn't working Nick."

He kept his eyes down, his mouth starting to quiver. He had been here with her before.

"I know." There was a thick pause of acceptance. "Do you want me to..."

"No." She sniffed, her voice more even. "I'll go."


	10. Chapter 10

Nick sat with his back pressed against the hard concrete of his bedroom wall, sipping his beer slowly. He could heard the muffled voices of Jess and Cece on the other side of the door and the occasional thud or bang of a box being dropped or moved. He rested his elbows on his bent knees and dropped his head forlornly to rest on his biceps. His brain almost ached from trying to process that this was really happening, she was really leaving. He couldn't bring himself to watch her go so he had holed himself away in his bedroom for the entire day, occasionally walking to the window to see the guys loading boxes into Jess' car.

When she had walked through the door three years ago his life had changed forever and now the same thing was about to happen again as she walked out. He couldn't bare the thought of not seeing her every day, the very idea sent him into a blind panic but it was what they had agreed and they seemed to be following through with it. The only thing worse than not seeing her every day was seeing her with another guy. They both knew that in light of recent events neither of them could handle seeing the other with someone else, so they were stuck. They couldn't be together but they couldn't untangle themselves from each other either.

If they couldn't move on emotionally they would do it physically and try and give themselves a head start, even if it was the coward's way out. And Nick was being a coward, he knew it as he hid away from her in his bedroom, but their relationship couldn't take any more damage, it was too fragile. Locking himself away seemed like the safest solution. So there he stayed for the next two hours listening to the love of his life prepare to leave him.

* * *

"Have you seen him at all today?" Cece asked although she knew the answer it was written all over Jess' face.

Jess simply shook her head without even looking up to meet Cece's eyes. Jess had been quiet and sullen all day and it was always so unsettling for Cece to see her like that, it knocked everything off kilter and Cece was never completely sure how to fix it, they were way beyond the realm of cookies and wine now. Cece folded Jess' sweaters blindly never taking her eyes off her best friend who looked like she was about to break at any moment.

Jess folded her clothes slowly, her hands working on auto pilot as she stared off into space, occasionally glancing at Nick's bedroom door through hers which she had purposefully left open in case he showed his face. Cece saw Jess' phone silently light up for the fifth time that day and she watched as once again Jess ignored it, throwing it a casual glance before she returned to her packing. Jess hadn't opened up much about her night with James and Cece hadn't pushed her on it, she figured it was best for them both to deal with one emotional obstacle at a time and Cece knew that emotional obstacles didn't come much bigger than the one Jess was facing today.

Cece had been there through Sam, Russell, Paul and worst of all Spencer, she had helped Jess to pick up the pieces but as Cece watched her friend helplessly, something suddenly dawned on her. With all those other guys it had never really been a case of helping Jess to pick up the pieces because she had never really fallen apart, not really. She had been unstable sure, rocky even, but never broken. Not like she was now. Nick was the one for Jess and she had lost him.

Cece dropped the shirt she was holding and walked over to Jess without saying a word and threw her arms around her, hugging her tight. Instantly she felt Jess start to shake and knew she was helping to release something that Jess had been holding on to all day like a chain around her neck. Cece squeezed her tight for what felt like the longest time until she felt Jess start to relax and the sound of her crying subsided. Cece took a step back and moved her hands from Jess' back to gently hold the tops of both her arms, she bent her knees a little to accommodate Jess' small stature and meet her eyes.

"Jess you know I'm here for you don't you?"

Jess sniffed and wiped under her eyes "I know."

"You're gonna be ok."

"I'm just so tired off crying Cece."

"I know sweetie but we'll get you through this I promise."

Jess curled her mouth in the smallest, weakest smile she could muster and allowed her best friend to pull her in for another much needed hug.

* * *

Nick stood by his window leaning his head against the wall watching Coach and Winston argue over which way Jess' mirror should be slotted into the car. In his head he found it funny but his body wouldn't let him express any kind of humour. Not today. Even from where he was standing he could make out items of Jess' belongings poking out the back of the car, pictures that had once hung on his wall, a quilt cover that had once lay on his bed, all the things that made Jess who she was. The girl he loved.

Nick rubbed at his chest trying in vain to ease the pain which had settled there but he instantly felt his heart start to thump hard in his chest as he heard a soft tapping at his bedroom door. Spinning round quickly he desperately tried to prepare himself to meet bangs, glasses and a little,flowery dress but it was a shirt and dress pants filled with a rather concerned looking Schmidt. Nick resumed his former stance by the window without saying a word.

"What are you doing in here Nick?"

"Don't start Schmidt."

Schmidt took a few more tentative steps towards Nick trying to find the balance between expressing his annoyance and his concern. "I mean you do know she's leaving right? You are aware?"

Nick swung back around to face Schmidt more than a little peeved. "Jeez you don't say Schmidt."

Taking on board Nick's sarcastic tone Schmidt pushed again to get some sense out of his friend. "Again I ask, what are you doing in here? Come on man you don't want to leave things like this with her."

"We've said everything there is to say Schmidt."

"Wrong. You haven't said goodbye."

Nick turned his back on Schmidt as the words hit him hard in the chest. He didn't want to say goodbye to her.

* * *

Jess pulled the zipper from one side of the bag to the other and stood upright with her hands resting resolutely on her hips. Cece did the same and they both stopped to look at each other.

"Look Cece let's just call it a day, I'll come get the rest of my stuff later. I don't want to draw this out any more."

Cece nodded. "Ok. You ready?"

Jess pushed her glasses up her nose to cover her watery eyes and she shook her head. Cece picked up Jess' bag and strode over to her, throwing her arm around her shoulder, as physical support as much as anything else, and encouraged her out of the bedroom. As Jess walked into the hall she could see Coach, Schmidt and Winston lined up waiting for her, their hands clasped in front of them and their heads hanging down and her heart broke looking at them. She had never seen them look so sad and the thought that she wouldn't be there to comfort them afterwards was hard to swallow.

"Here let us take those." Coach stepped forward to take the bag out of Jess' hand, Winston taking the other from Cece before they trudged into the hallway to take them down to the car.

Cece turned back to Jess and rested her hand on her shoulder. "I'll go down and check we have everything we need ok?"

Jess nodded feebly and squeezed Cece's hand before she disappeared into the hallway after Coach and Winston leaving Jess and Schmidt alone. They look at each other with so much to say and yet nothing to say at the same time.

"Is he ok?"

Schmidt who had been uncharacteristically quiet all morning simply shook his head without offering much else. Jess lowered her head in disappointment and turned back to Nick's closed door. She walked towards it slowly and stopped outside it for a few moments unsure of her next move. She raised her hand to knock but instead she unfurled her fingers and rested her palm flat against the door unaware of him standing on the other side, his forehead pressed against the hard wood. She stood like that for a few moments trying to absorb the gravity of what was happening, then she slid her hand gently down the door to drop back by her side before turning back to Schmidt who looked as upset as she did. Schmidt walked towards her and wrapped his arm around her shoulder.

"Let's go huh?"

"Yeah."

* * *

Hearing the front door close Nick rotated his head on the door until he was standing with his back to it. As his legs gave way he slid down the door to the floor, resting his head in his hands. Banging his head back against the door hard he looked at his hands which were shaking uncontrollably, his breathing was rapid and uneven in spite of the fact he wasn't moving. He swallowed hard and constant trying to rid himself of the burning lump in his throat but it remained, it felt like it was getting bigger and spreading down to his chest, then his stomach. It was then he realised he was panicking.

He pressed his hands flat on the floor and pushed himself up to his feet as fast as he could. He ran to his window, his thighs banging off his desk as he failed to stop in time. He could see them congregating around Jess' car, talking and hugging. As he watched Coach hold open the car door for her, Nick could feel his heart trying to beat out of his chest, his hands were gripping so hard to the windowsill his knuckles had turned white. What the hell was he doing? Schmidt was right, he couldn't leave it like this.

Before Nick's brain even had time to switch into gear his feet were carrying him out the front door. He pressed the button of the elevator furiously. "Come on, come on!...damn it!". Smacking his hand hard against the closed elevator doors he gave up and span on his heels heading for the stairs. He ran down faster than his feet could carry him almost stumbling over every few steps. He had never run so fast in his life and his lungs were burning and heaving from the activity.

Reaching the bottom he punched through the door and fled outside, when his feet hit the pavement it was then he realised he had no shoes on but still he kept on running. As he rounded the corner she came into sight.

"Jess!"

She hand one foot in the car, her hand resting on the door but she stopped as she heard him call her name, her eyes went wide as she saw him standing in his sweat pants, shoe-less in the middle of the road. She froze, a little in shock. Still catching his breath and swallowing hard he closed the gap between them even more.

"Jess wait. Please wait!"

She started to walk towards him to meet him half way, her heart pounding. As he neared her he didn't seem to slow down, his face desperate but full of intent. Before she could say anything he pulled her into his arms, a sharp breath escaping her lungs as their bodies collided in a tight embrace. He wrapped an arm tight around her waist, the other threading up into her hair. Without question, her arms found their way around his neck and she clung on to him so tightly she thought she might never let go. After what felt like an eternity they reluctantly pulled apart, his hands rested on her hips as long as they could and her hands trailed down his face, tenderly stroking his cheeks like he was the most precious thing in the world. Resting their foreheads together they silently said their goodbyes.

Jess took a step back and smoothed her hands down his arms to clasp his hands in hers. They looked at each other for the longest time but there was no anger, no tears, no sense of foreboding. Instead there was something there that they couldn't identify, it didn't have a name, it was a strange feeling that made them look at each other with the same questioning faces. They both smiled at each in a way they hadn't in a long time, with so much behind those smiles they couldn't even begin to explain.

Releasing his hands she let him go and walked to her car. Keeping his distance he stayed on the pavement and watched her close the door and buckle up her seatbelt. Her face was obscured by the bright sunlight reflecting on the car windows but even still he could see her smile and her eyes sparkling at him. For the first time since they had broken up, he knew they were going to be ok.


	11. Chapter 11

**FOUR MONTHS LATER...**

As the sun started to seep through the chink in her curtains Jess lay awake, pressed comfortably against the hard warmth next to her She sighed impatiently and loudly in the hopes that she could wake him up without getting into trouble. She had no such luck. When twenty minutes had gone by she gave up waiting and poked him in the nose, firmly enough to wake him but not so firm that she would make him grumpy, she could usually smile and kiss her way out of that one anyway.

"Morning sleepy head." She chirped.

"Mmmmm morning sweetie." His raspy voice was still tinged with sleep.

She smiled at the greeting, glad she hadn't annoyed him.

"Sorry I didn't mean to wake you." She lied without an ounce of remorse evident on her smiling face.

"No you aren't." He laughed and rolled over, pinning her underneath him with his body, his hands coming up to cradle her face. "But I'll let you make it up to me if you want to." He drawled suggestively as he kissed her hard without give her a chance to answer. She kissed him back with no argument, dragging her hands gently up his smooth back before resting them on his firm shoulder blades pulling him closer to her. They made love slowly and lazily, revelling in the sensation without hurrying to the finish line until Jess became acutely aware she might be running late for work and rolled over until she was on top of him to take matters into her own hands and bring them both home.

Sated and satisfied with a warm, tingling sensation running through her body Jess leaned forward to kiss him sweetly on his open mouth before climbing off him and disappearing to the bathroom to shower. She hadn't heard anything of Cece so she figured she had left already, she hoped momentarily it wasn't because of the amorous noises coming from her bedroom, both of them had a tendency to get a little vocal when things got heated. Jess shrugged it off and continued to squirt toothpaste on to her brush, her and Cece had heard each other a million times and they had never made a big deal out of it. Why would she start now?

Jess had been living with Cece for four months now and she was definitely happy, she loved Cece and their nights in together watching movies, laughing and eating ice cream. She had never had any doubts that her a Cece would make their living arrangement work, they knew each other well enough to completely be themselves which was a rare thing that Jess didn't take for granted. But she missed her boys desperately. It had taken some adjustment going back to living with a girl again. She realised how much she had got used to that very distinct boy smell that would now hit her whenever she went back to the loft, it was so comforting. She missed the hustle and bustle of the loft, people coming and going at all hours, how a Wednesday night could turn into something completely random. She smiled at the memory as she climbed into the shower and let the hot water run all over her, relaxing her even more. Ten minutes later she wandered back to the bedroom room clad only in a towel with another spun strategically on her head. She saw that the big lump on her bed hadn't moved a muscle as he lay like a starfish on the bed with very little covering his modesty, the way he usually did after they'd had sex. As she saw him threatening to fall back asleep she grabbed his foot and jiggled it to rouse him.

"Don't go back to sleep buddy, I gotta go to work."

"Mmmmm just another twenty minutes."

She smiled at him as his eyes drifted back closed and shook her head and she began to put on her makeup. She let him have his extra twenty minutes but the sound of her hairdryer blasting soon had him out of bed and dragging his naked butt to the shower. Now she really did hope Cece had left otherwise she was possibly about to have the pleasure of seeing her boyfriend naked - yet again. Jess carried on with her hair and makeup without out even thinking about what she was doing, her morning routine simply flowed after years of practice. But her fluid rhythm was soon broken as she caught sight of him in her mirror, dripping wet and wearing nothing but a low slung towel, his pelvic bone teasing her with what lay under the white cotton. She was only human and she had a very human reaction to it as she turned, stalking towards him with a playful grin on her face, her hands finding their way around his waist with no care for the droplets of water that were sinking into her dry clothes. Glad of the impromptu embrace he kissed her and smiled, patting her flirtatiously on the behind and she returned to her dresser. He threw on a shirt and some pants and headed off to the kitchen to make them some breakfast.

* * *

After the smell of fresh coffee lured her out of the bedroom and into the kitchen she rested against the kitchen counter casually and watched him cook breakfast, it was a rare sight to see him doing it instead of her. She loved to watch the look of pure, unadulterated concentration on his face like he was working on quantum physics rather than eggs. As a natural silence befell them she took it upon herself to resume the conversation they had started the night before until he had conveniently fallen asleep.

"Soooo, about Saturday?..."

Nick sighed light-heartedly at what he thought was a resolved conversation. "I thought we decided you and I were just gonna hang out."

"Come on Nick we hang out every night, we should do something special."

Nick scrunched up his face as he tipped the eggs from the pan on to the plates. "You know I'm not real big on birthdays."

"Well I am, why don't you just let me organise everything." She moved to loiter behind him as he dished up their breakfast, snaking her arms around his waist, adding a nasally whine to her voice and faking the odd pout so Nick would give in to her.

"Everything? There's an everything?" He glanced over his shoulder at her feigning exasperation when really he couldn't help but smile at her.

"Ok it doesn't need to be something huge...just something."

"Ok, ok...but just something with the guys ok. I don't want some big party."

"Deal"

He turned to her and she took a step back holding out her hand for him to shake it and seal the deal but instead he pulled her in for a kiss, his arms curling comfortably around her waist. He pinched her sides mischievously making her her squeal and hit him on the chest playfully before she hopped up on the chair at the counter. He handed her a plate of the 'Nick Miller special' which she accepted with wide eyes and a quizzical smile on her face making a mental note to herself to give him a lesson in food portion control.

Nick watched her eat her breakfast and laughed internally every time she took a deep breath and waggled her waistband for more room, too polite not to finish everything he had put on her plate. That last few months of their relationship hadn't exactly been simple but she had taken care of him through all of it regardless, so it was time for him to start returning the favour. She was too good to him and he needed to start behaving like the man she deserved. The man he thought he should be. Somehow she had taken all the complexities out of his life, helped him forget everything that had gone wrong which was no easy task. He wasn't sure he could claw himself up from rock bottom, and sure maybe he was still climbing, but he was almost at the top. He didn't know what they were really, or where they were going but they were going somewhere, they were moving and that's what mattered.

* * *

After breakfast she kissed her still sleepy-looking boyfriend goodbye and headed towards her car, her mind immediately switching to the day ahead. She had a busy schedule and she wondered when on earth she was going to find the time to get Nick's present without getting caught. She had left it a little later than she usually would but after what he had pulled out the bag on her last birthday she was stumped to say the least and it wasn't like she could return the favour, they weren't where they had been a year ago. She had some ideas but she wasn't sure what was most appropriate and the fact that she had a very inquisitive boyfriend, with a childlike curiosity about gifts he found 'lying around' didn't help. She had an hour on her lunch break, one hour to solve the problem or she would be out of time. It was his birthday tomorrow. As the word 'tomorrow' made her nervous she started the ignition with a frustrated sigh and headed for school, Googling her gift options on her phone at every red light.

Her and Nick were in a good place but they were still fragile it had taken a lot of strength from both of them to get to where they were but they had done it and she was proud of them. She was proud of him. She had never had someone fight so hard to stay in her life against the odds and it made her realise that her and Nick were something special, they always would be. She had to get him something to show him what he meant to her, something that reflected them and what they had overcome.

* * *

Nick worked his hand towel repeatedly over the smudges on the bar and contemplated his upcoming birthday festivities, wondering how he had been talked into celebrating it. He meant it when he said he had never been big on birthdays, he figured it probably had something to do with his Dad never being around for them when he was a kid but he didn't want to dwell on that too much. He was usually quite happy with a six pack of beer and a pizza but his girlfriend was a pretty persuasive woman when she wanted to be and deep down he kind of liked that she wanted to go out of her way to celebrate with him.

Truth be told he kind of liked the idea of having everyone together, it had been a while, longer than it should have been. The group dynamic had been a little out of sync since Jess had moved out and although they would never admit it the guys were still a little sore about her leaving even though they still saw her as much as he did. It was only after she left they realised how much she held them together. That crazy girl who they were certain they wouldn't be able to live with for more than a week had become someone they found it very difficult to live without. A night out together might be exactly what they all needed.

Nick and Jess' problems had put a lot of strain on the group and they both still harboured guilt about it but they were working hard to fix it. Things weren't one hundred percent back to normal so for that reason there was always potential for drama. Walking the line between friendships and relationships had got the best of all of them over the last year and they were all a little battle scarred but the fractures were slowly healing and they had all managed to lean on each other for support which Nick would never be able to show enough gratitude for.

* * *

As the din of her classroom faded in her ears Jess bolted for her car with Rose in tow. She checked her watch and rambled incessantly as she realised she had 58 minutes and 15 seconds to find the perfect gift for Nick. No sooner than Rose had clicked her seatbelt in to place, the tyres of Jess' car screeched out of the parking lot to the astonishment of some of her students who were watching from the canteen window. Half an hour and eight shops later Rose trailed behind Jess examining all the rejected gift options Jess was leaving in her wake.

"What's the big deal Jess I mean it's just a regular birthday right...not one of the big ones...can't you just get him a sweater or something."

"A sweater? No...no it's got to be something more special."

"Why?"

"It just does ok. We've been through a lot this year and I just want to let him know that...you know...we're good."

"Ok, just don't get him anything _too_ special you know."

"What do you mean?" Jess knew exactly what Rose meant but told herself she needed to hear it.

"I mean you don't want to give anyone the wrong idea. He has a girlfriend Jess. He's spoken for...so are you."

"Yeah I know that." Jess moaned with a mildly frustrated edge to her voice.

Right on cue Jess pulled her vibrating phone from her bag to find Lauren's name lit up on the screen. Gritting her teeth slightly she pressed the necessary buttons to open the message.

_'Hey Jess, I've organised a little get together for Nick's birthday tomorrow night. It's at Ernie's (Nick's fave!) at 7.30pm. We would love it if you could make it x'_

Glossing over the fact that Ernie's wasn't Nick's favourite restaurant San Carlo was and the casual use of '_we'_ Lauren has started to slip into her messages, Jess closed the text and threw her phone back in her bag with a little more force than she intended. She would reply later when she had spoken to James.


	12. Chapter 12

Nick sipped his coffee and tucked into his second croissant which he had ordered as something of an appetizer while he waited for Jess to arrive, hoping that the waitress would come and remove his plate of crumbs so Jess wouldn't notice his impatience to eat. He leaned back in his chair and took in his surroundings, he had never been to this cafe before but Jess always had a way of finding these great little places that he had never even heard of on some block he had never taken the time to walk down, one of the many things he loved about her. It was a little earlier than Nick would have liked but he was happy to take what he could get, he hadn't seen Jess for days and he didn't like to be out of touch with her for too long.

It had been four months since Jess had moved in with Cece and while at first the merits of her leaving the loft were minimal, Nick was glad to have his room back and although he and Jess had never admitted it to one another, having some time apart had done them good. The last thing he and Jess had ever wanted was to reach a point where they couldn't even be around each other or have their relationship become something unrecognisable to them. So in spite of the gut wrenching pain it had first caused them, it had actually turned out to be a smart decision. That's not to say they didn't miss each other. They did, very much, but the pain had lessened over time and truth be told Nick revelled in the feeling of excitement he got in his belly when he got to see her after they had been apart for a few of days. That was something they had never had before.

Smiling to himself, his grin got even wider as he saw Jess waving emphatically from the other side of the road as she waited impatiently for the lights to change so she could cross over. He laughed to himself as he watched her jiggle back and forth from one foot to the other, it was comforting to know she was as excited to see him as he was. As the lights changed she walked quickly over the road, throwing in the odd skip every now and again to hurry herself along.

As she finally reached him he stood and greeted her with a sweet kiss on the cheek, his hands resting comfortably on her hips while hers found their way to his shoulders.

"Hi! Happy Birthday!" She smiled wider than he had ever seen.

"Hey, thanks"

"Sorry I'm a little late I got stuck in traffic. I know you must be starving by now." She huffed breathlessly as they sat down.

"Me? No, I'm good."

"...Right." She laughed as she reached across to smooth away the crumbs from the side of his mouth with her thumb.

"Alright I might have had a small snack while I was waiting." He admitted sheepishly.

As the time passed they laughed and talked, feeling as relaxed and comfortable as they ever had as Nick ordered his third breakfast, fourth if you included what he finished from Jess' plate. He asked her about work and she asked him about his Mom and they poked fun and teased each other like old times. But sooner or later they always bumped into the inevitable.

"So Lauren doesn't mind you meeting me here?" Jess enquired as she blew the steam away from her coffee.

"No she's fine. She's just at the mall round the corner looking for my gift. She didn't say that's what she was doing but it was pretty obvious. She's a terrible liar."

"I guess that's another thing you guys have in common huh?" Jess smiled but she lowered her eyes to the table to hide the flicker of sadness that crossed them.

"Yeah I guess." Nick nodded weakly, not really wanting to agree with her.

The familiar silence returned. It wasn't that they didn't want each other to be happy, not at all, but the notion of them finding their happiness with another person still didn't sit right. The concept of someone else being their soulmate and the person they were really meant to be with was tough to swallow. Not wanting to cast any awkward shadows over their otherwise lovely morning Jess piped up and changed the subject.

"Speaking of gifts..."

"Jess you didn't need to get me anything."

"Shush I wanted to."

He smiled warmly, his eyes fixed on her and she rifled through her seemingly bottomless bag.

"Here!" She beamed at him as she handed the small package across the table.

Realising he was staring at her he shook his head very slightly to snap himself back into focus and lowered his eyes to the gift in her hand accepting it graciously, his fingers trailing down the back of hers as he took it from her hand.

"Thanks Jess."

Her heart swelled at the sincerity in his voice and the genuine look of gratitude on his face. He played with the package between his fingers momentarily, smiling at the side of his mouth at the way she had wrapped it and the heart sticker she had stuck over the top of the ribbon to attach it. He dipped his finger behind the corner of the paper ready to peel it open before he felt the warmth of her hand on his pressing it down and away gently.

"Wait, why don't you open it later."

"Why, don't you wanna..."

"Nah just open it later. I'll get all embarrassed."

"Uh...ok...well thank you."

He tucked the small parcel neatly in his pocket patting it in place for good measure and then raised his head to face her once again. They studied each other's faces in silence, forever trying to figure out what they were to each other and never vocalising any sort of any answer, if there even was one. The corners of Nick's mouth started to curl up in an uncontrollable smile as he stared intently but the moment was broken by the sound of his phone vibrating harshly against the glass of the table. He knew it was Lauren and he didn't want to answer in front of Jess but he knew he had to, he couldn't ignore his girlfriend who was out buying him gifts while he sat having coffee with his ex. He picked it up and answered, shifting his butt back in his seat and trying in vain to lean out of earshot while Jess buried her face in her coffee, her eyes dropping down to the bottom of her cup.

"Hey, how's it going." He spoke down the phone, hoping to muffle his voice a little with his hand.

Jess could hear the high pitched squeak of Nick's girlfriend on the other end of the phone, she couldn't make out what she was saying but she knew it was something to signal the end of hers and Nick's breakfast. Jess took one last gulp of her coffee, feeling it burn a little on the way down from swallowing it too prematurely. She fished around in her bag for her purse and pulled out some dollar bills dropping them on the table and batting away Nick's hand as he tried to pay, mouthing his protests at her picking up the cheque while still talking to Lauren on the phone. As Jess gathered her belongings together under the assumption Nick would have to leave, he hung up the phone and shoved it back in his pocket.

"I'm sorry Jess."

"Hey it's ok don't worry about it."

"Uh it seems Lauren has done what she needed to so..."

"You gotta go."

"Yeah, sorry"

"Hey no it's ok, I'm gonna see you later right?" Jess' weak smile didn't hide the glimmer of disappointment on her face.

"Right."

They both made a move to stand up and Jess comfortably linked his arm as he walked her back to her car, disregarding the fact it was in completely the opposite direction to the mall where he needed to be in the next five minutes.

"This was nice." Jess said with a smile as she nudged him in the ribs gently with her elbow.

"Yeah it was. Thanks for breakfast...it's my turn next time. No arguments."

"So I'll see you later."

"Sure."

She jumped up on her tip toes gleefully and rested her hands on his shoulders, pecking him on the cheek. As she pulled back to give him a warm smile, she waited several moments before she realised her hands were still resting between his shoulders and his chest. She pulled them away like he had become hot to the touch and adjusted her glasses nervously.

"See ya." She turned to walk across the street to her car and when she was safely over to the other side she paused at her car door and turned back to him. She cocked her head almost shyly as he winked at her. She bundled into the car in a fluster and eventually pulled away, beaming at him as she passed. He stayed rooted to the spot until she was completely out of sight.

* * *

Nick opened the door to the loft allowing Lauren to sprint past him with a big box not so discreetly disguised under her coat. As she ran off to his room to wrap it up Nick wandered into the kitchen to find all three guys drinking coffee and musing over their respective mornings, although Schmidt seemed to be doing most of the musing as Coach tucked into a bowl of cereal that was almost the same size as him while Winston had his head buried in a newspaper. As Nick came into their line of view he was met with bigger smiles and a more enthusiastic greeting than he was used to the other 364 days of the year, from Coach and Winston at least.

"Well here he is the man of the hour." Winston piped up getting out of his seat to offer Nick a quick hug and a manly pat on the back. "Happy Birthday man"

Winston was followed by Coach and Schmidt who held his hug a little to long, as ever.

"What the hell are you doing up so early." Coach asked through a mouth full of Cheerios, ignoring the drops of milk that flew messily from his mouth towards Winston.

"Uh Lauren wanted to go to the mall and get my gift so..."

"You spent you're Saturday morning at the mall, what are you a 13 year old girl now." Coach teased with a mocking smile on his face.

"No I uh...I met up with Jess for breakfast actually." Nick walked quickly round the counter and buried his head in the fridge trying to maintain his casual demeanour.

"Oh, ok...got it." Schmidt drawled as he turned from his coffee grinding to face Nick, leaning smugly against the counter with his legs crossed one over the other. Coach and Winston caught Schmidt's eye before lowering their heads back to their breakfasts and newspapers with knowing smiles, satisfied with the 'real' reason for Nick's impromptu early morning outing. Nick stopped fussing in the fridge and closed the door with a frown, unhappy that they all seemed to be in on some little secret he wasn't a part of.

"What's the big deal?" Nick enquired innocently, his palms facing upwards in an inquiring gesture.

"Nothing." Schmidt laughed, glancing at Coach and Winston before turning back to his coffee grinder.

"What?" Nick pressed, starting to get a little annoyed. Even more so when he was met with complete silence. "What?!".

Schmidt sighed and turned back to his friend, his naive, oblivious or possibly just down right stupid friend. "Don't you think it's a little weird Nick."

"What's weird?"

"You and Jess."

"What's weird about it, she's my friend. You guys see her all the time too."

"Hmmm not as much as you Nick." Winston interjected, immediately regretting it as Nick threw him a look of distinct irritation for siding with Schmidt.

"Guys what is the big deal? It's my birthday and she wanted to grab some breakfast."

"I just think it's a little weird is all." Schmidt posed again for emphasis.

"What?! What is weird?" Nick barked impatiently.

"Um ok how about the fact you spend more time with Jess than you do with your ACTUAL girlfriend."

"What are you talking about? I'm with Lauren all the time."

"Ok, alright." Schmidt held his hands up in surrender and pretended to zip his mouth shut as Lauren appeared behind Nick wrapping an arm firmly around his waist.

"What are you guys talking about." She chimed in excitedly.

"Oh nothing, just tonight." He lied.

"It's gonna be fun, I can't wait." She turned to face Nick grabbing both of his hands and swinging them back and forth playfully, bobbing up and down on the balls of her feet as she spoke. "You want to come open your present now."

"Sure."

* * *

Lauren sat on her knees bouncing excitedly on Nick's bed as his gift sat in between them waiting to be opened. Nick laughed at her a little and suppressed the small wave of guilt that passed over him for spending the morning with Jess. Lauren knew exactly where he was and she hadn't minded, at least that was what she said, but he still couldn't help but feel like he was taking advantage of her good nature. He and Jess had made it clear to their respective partners from the outset that the continuation of their friendship was non-negotiable but Nick was smart enough to know that not many girls would put up with their boyfriend spending as much time with their ex as Nick did.

But the truth was Jess leaving the loft had turned his world upside down and he simply wasn't prepared to let her go. At first they had talked on the phone every night, sometimes for hours and they made the time to see each other every other day. Sometimes it has almost felt as if they had started to date again, but they hadn't. James had stayed in Jess' life throughout it all and they were together. They weren't 'together' in the casual sense that Jess had been so keen for Nick to understand in the beginning, now they were really together. So when Lauren called him four months ago, he answered the call, when she asked him out again he accepted and three months ago when she asked if she was his girlfriend, he said yes.

It couldn't be said that it was an entirely comfortable arrangement for everyone involved. Nick and Jess being exes who insisted on being friends was still the big elephant in the room when they were all together but it was an elephant they had tried to disguise as a more tolerable yet annoying puppy they had to kick into touch every now and again. Nick knew it got hard for Lauren sometimes which was usually when the local florists and choclatiers benefited most from his hard earned cash. He felt bad, he did, but never bad enough to cut Jess out of his life. That was something he would never be prepared to do for anyone. But he cared about Lauren and he wanted to make her happy, he wanted to make it work. The fact that he had managed to muster feelings for Lauren in the first place after Jess was something he clung on to desperately with both hands, like some miracle he never believed was possible.

She nudged the gift towards him, prompting him and bringing him out of his head. "Go ahead open it."

He smiled and started to peel back the hastily wrapped paper, laughing as Lauren got more and more giddy by the second. When he finally revealed what was beneath the spotted paper he plastered on the best smile he could manage and leaned forward to show his gratitude in kiss form.

"Do you like it?"

Nick stared at the 'home beer brewing kit' and nodded his head with a grin. Nick never ever brought his work home but he guessed that was something she had yet to learn about him and he appreciated the sentiment, even if it was a little misplaced.

"I love it." He beamed.

"Yay, I saw it and I thought you would love it. Isn't it the best gift ever!"

"It sure is."

As she screwed up the used wrapping paper and moved off the bed to throw it in the trash he squeezed affectionately at the small package that still sat in his pocket.

* * *

**That Evening**

The guys had all congregated in the kitchen where Nick met them, overwhelmed by the wall of aftershave that hit him as he rounded the corner. Coach wordlessly handed him a beer which he gladly accepted, he could do with relaxing a little. In spite of the fuss he had made with Lauren when she had suggested making plans for his birthday he had actually been kind of excited about the night ahead. But now it was upon him he felt on edge and he couldn't for the life of him figure out why. It was a fun night out to celebrate his birthday, it presented no kind of chore or challenge so what was his problem? He took a healthy swig of beer as he tried to settle the churning feeling in his stomach to no avail.

As Coach threw his jacket on, Schmidt located his keys and Lauren finally emerged from his bedroom clad in a black, low-cut, figure hugging dress, Nick figured it was time for them to leave.

"Whoa Lauren you look great." Winston cooed with an inane grin on his face.

"Dude!" Nick aimed his warning tone at Winston.

"Sorry." Winston offered and snook away sheepishly to put on his shoes.

Nick turned back to Lauren and curled his arms around her waist pecking her on the lips, her perfume scent filling his nostrils. "He's right though you do look great. Really great." He bowed his head to kiss her on the neck affectionately.

"Well thank you, you're looking pretty dapper yourself Mr Miller."

"This old thing..." He joked.

"You ready to go?"

"Uh yeah let me just run to the bathroom first."

Nick walked away from the excited buzz of the kitchen and headed for the solitude of the bathroom. Closing the bathroom door he leaned against it for just a moment and took a few deep breaths. Pushing himself off the door he walked into one of the stalls locking the door behind him. He had never locked the stall door in the entire time he had lived there. He dropped the toilet seat down to sit on top of it. After toying back and forth with the idea for a few moments Nick eventually retrieved Jess' gift from his pocket and stared at it like it was about to burst into flames or something equally as impressive. Glancing in the general direction of the kitchen as though he could see through walls, Nick tried to make sure he wouldn't be interrupted and started to unwrap the gift.

He unpicked the heart sticker that was taping down the ribbon which he then untied. Peeling the paper away he revealed a small cardboard box which released a small note as he opened the lid. He recognized her handwriting instantly.

_Hi Nick _

_So this is weird, me writing you a letter but I guess it's less weird now that I'm not across the hall anymore. Anyway I just wanted to wish you a happy birthday. I know the past 6 months haven't been easy for either us but I just want you to know that I am always here for you, no matter what. Nothing has changed about that. We could so easily have fallen apart and we didn't, we're still friends and I'm eternally grateful because I can't ever imagine not having you in my life Nick and I hope I never have to. You mean more to me than anybody ever has and I don't want you to forget that so I hope that's what is in the box will help you remember. Happy Birthday Miller._

_Lots of love Jess xx_

Nick swallowed the lump in his throat and ran his hand over his face until his fingers met at his chin. Steeling himself he looked back down at the box. Inside was a smooth, leather wallet with his initials neatly stitched into the corner. When he picked it up it had a strange weight to it so he flipped it open to see all the inside pockets had been lined with coins and in the middle pocket was a bright pink post-it which looked distinctly out of place, he pulled at it and saw her handwriting once again.

_Now you gotta get rid of that ratty old plastic wallet! We still have plenty more memorable moments to come Nick, I promise. Here a few more coins to make sure you remember them xx_

Nick felt his heart fall apart piece by piece.

* * *

Nick sipped his drink and laughed and joked along with Lauren and the guys but couldn't help but casually glance at the two chairs which still sat vacant at the table. Jess had said she was coming and he knew she would be there but he still couldn't help but feel on edge. It was no secret that things were better with Jess when he had her on her own. It wasn't that he didn't like James, the truth was in another lifetime Nick probably would have been good friends with the guy, but the fact remained that James' girlfriend was his ex and for that reason there would always be a wall between them no matter how hard they tried.

Nick realised he was getting distracted again so he leaned forward and rested his hand on Lauren's leg anchoring himself back into the moment. She placed her hand over his and rubbed it affectionately as she smiled at him before turning to continue listening to Schmidt's story which Nick had now completely lost track of.

Lauren really had been a sweetheart arranging this for him, it was true that he wasn't big on celebrating birthdays but he had to admit this was nice, having everyone together. He started to relax back in his chair with an expensive whiskey in his hand which Coach had bought him, his other hand still stroking comfortably over his girlfriends thigh. When she turned to face him he offered her a lazy kiss on the mouth but they both pulled away quickly at the sound of Jess' voice.

His face still broke into a huge smile when he saw her, it was something he was going to have to learn to contain, it was just pure luck that Lauren hadn't picked up on it yet. If she had she hadn't said anything. He watched her walk towards the table in a stunning red dress, he had to actively stop himself from dragging his eyes up and down her body. Failing miserably he allowed himself the luxury to do it just once but as his eyes trailed up and back down they wandered down her right arm to her hand which had another larger, more masculine looking hand in it's grasp and that feeling of excitement was once again dampened. James trailed behind her obediently and as he looked on Nick really wished she'd had the decency to pick somebody unattractive or at least in some way unappealing but James was good looking there was no way around it and he was always so well put together, not quite as manicured as Schmidt but definitely a few notches above Nick. But who was he kidding, Jess was beautiful, of course she was going to end up with a guy like that. Nick was pretty sure James didn't get the 'I wonder why she's with him' looks he was certain he got while he and Jess were dating. It wasn't like he had pulled the short straw with Lauren though, she was gorgeous, Nick was forever baffled at his knack of getting girls that were way out of his league, because Lauren sure was. He squeezed Lauren's hand at the thought but dropped it as Jess approached him.

"Hi!" Her smile was as wide as he had ever seen it and her voice unmistakably excited.

"Hey" He leaned down to kiss her on the cheek as she kissed his, her hands resting gently on his shoulders as his found a comfortable spot on her hips. He closed his eyes fleetingly as her familiar scent flooded his nostrils but remembered himself and pulled back releasing his hands from her hips. They looked at each for a moment without speaking, their mouths and eyes smiling. Nick was on the verge of telling her how incredible she looked but a hand was thrust in his direction from behind Jess.

"Hey Nick, happy birthday man."

"Hey thanks James, how's it going?" Nick leaned his arm past Jess to shake hands with James. They weren't quite at the hug and back pat stage yet.

"It's going good."

Nick subconsciously dropped his eyes to Jess' waist as James' hand wound around it the way his used to. Swallowing away the burning sensation that had started to bubble up in his chest, he moved to pull a chair out for Jess next to him but he was too late as James pulled on her body gently to usher her to the other side of the table. He chewed his lip with a mixture of embarrassment and nervousness and pushed the chair back into position. Re-engaging with the group, he turned back to Lauren who had thankfully become engrossed in a conversation with Winston. Sitting back down he draped his arm around the back of Lauren's chair and tried his best to keep his eyes off Jess who was now sitting directly opposite him. She was too far away to talk to without the whole table hearing, but near enough that he could see the light from the candles glistening in her eyes.

"You got a little drool there Nick."

Nick's attention snapped back to reality as he saw the Cece had taken the seat next to him.

"Hey Cece...oh no I wasn't..."

"My lips are sealed...happy birthday kiddo."

Nick smiled at the side of his mouth with mild embarrassment and leaned over to kiss Cece on the cheek. Cece knew Jess too well and after working with him day in and day out she was getting to know him a little too well too.

* * *

Jess leaned back in her seat while James leaned across her to talk to Coach about basketball, if it weren't for his hand clasped possessively over her leg she could easily have slipped out of her chair without him even noticing. She had tried her best to join in at first but Coach knew all too well that basketball wasn't Jess' forte and the truth was after five minutes she was too bored to keep it up. Zoning out of the conversation she started to scan the table and noticed that Lauren and Cece had now switched seats while they waited for their desserts to arrive. Schmidt and Cece were engaged in some form of conversation although they were huddled together so intimately she couldn't make it out, but she guessed that was their intention. As her eyes moved round still she clocked Nick sitting shoulder to shoulder with Lauren, her arm was draped up the back of his shoulders, her fingertips scratching lightly at the fine hairs at the top of his neck and Jess struggled to swallow her wine which suddenly felt like acid. Their faces were so close that Nick's forehead was almost resting against hers. Jess stared intently trying to figure out if he looked at Lauren the way he used to look at her. She studied them for what felt like minutes and minutes on end forgetting she was sitting right opposite them and there was no wall shielding her from their view. It was then she realised Nick was staring right back at her and she shifted uncomfortably in her seat, her hands messing with her napkin. She dared to look back at him just for a second and he was still looking at her, Lauren was too engrossed in her conversation and straightening the back of Nick's collar to notice.

Nick could still hear Lauren talking in his ear but all of a sudden his senses weren't playing ball. He couldn't get his ears to decipher her conversation and he sure as hell couldn't get his eyes to focus on anything but Jess. What the hell was he doing? Just like Jess he finally started to fidget uncomfortably in his seat, their direct view of one another suddenly becoming both the most intense and intrusive thing in the world. He contemplated going to the bathroom but he was saved by the bell - literally. He pulled his ringing phone from his pocket to see his mother's name in bright letters. Lauren peered over the shoulder she was resting on but he had nothing to hide, nothing on his phone anyway.

"I gotta take this, she's been trying to get hold of me all day. I'll be right back ok?"

"Ok sure, say hi to her for me."

Nick pecked Lauren on the lips and left his chair. He lifted his jacket from the back of it as he started to make his way out on to the balcony, turning his back on Jess as he left to avoid reigniting the eye contact they had shared moments ago. As Lauren moved along to join in with Schmidt and Cece, Jess allowed her eyes to follow Nick as he weaved in and out of the other diners to get outside.

* * *

Nick leaned on the wall looking out over the sparkling lights of the city. The phone call with his mother ended five minutes ago, the same way it always did these days, with Bonnie telling him he didn't sound happy. He didn't have the energy to argue with her about it anymore, there was only so many times he could assure her he was fine. Enjoying the brief moment to himself he breathed in the now cool night air and let it fill his lungs, straining his shirt against his chest as he inhaled. His head felt a little cloudy but he supposed that was the whiskey he was drinking, his mid-thirties were creeping ever closer, he couldn't drink the way he used to. Yeah he was sure that was what the problem was. He rubbed his thumb and fingers in his eyes harshly when a quiet voice broke the silent air around him.

"Hey."

He spun round quickly, blinking a few times to bring her into focus after rubbing his eyes to hard. "Hey."

"I told the guys I would come find you." Jess stepped slowly towards him, her arms folded around her chest to keep her warm "I have the feeling Lauren is about to embarrass you horribly with some singing waiters and a multi coloured cake." She chuckled.

"Great." He let out an airy laugh with a sarcastic edge.

There was a long pause. Nick stared at his shoes while Jess stared at him.

"You ok Nick?"

"Yeah I'm great." He fixed a smile to his face that was half genuine and half for show but he figured she would see right through it anyway so it didn't matter.

"You sure?" She was standing in front of him now, her hand trailing down his arm for just a second until she remembered herself.

"Yeah I'm sure." He nodded slightly with a quiet voice.

"Come on let's get you back inside birthday boy." She squeezed his hand and gave him a tug to get him moving but he squeezed her hand harder and pulled her back. All of a sudden he forgot everything he wanted to say, it had been so long since their faces has been this close to one another. He could feel her breath on his skin as his affected the light strands of hair at the side of her face. They had both forgotten how to blink it seemed as their eyes darted around each other's faces begging for answers that neither of them could give. Their chests heaved under the weight of unspoken words.

He went to speak, not sure if the words would come out at all and grateful when they did.

"Thank you Jess." He needed so much more than 'thank you.' Never had two words been so insufficient but it was all he had, all his low, raspy, dry voice would allow him to give. A silence thickened between them as he waited for her to speak, neither of them moving their hands which were still resting in one another's.

"You're welcome" She breathed. She had hoped her voice wouldn't betray her but it did.

As a wail of laughter erupted from the restaurant their moment was over and Jess turned her back to him, heading back inside without a word and he followed with no argument. Using the time it took them to get back to the table they composed themselves, they levelled their breathing and fixed smiles to their faces. Nick walked back into a wall of icing and candles and the unharmonious sound of his friend's collective voices as Lauren bounded towards him, throwing her arms tightly around his neck, his around her waist. Jess came to stand in front of James as he hugged her waist, resting his chin on her shoulder and bellowing his dulcet tones of Happy Birthday right in her ear, which left her no choice but to join in. Jess sang, Nick blew out the candles and they kept their distance for the rest of the night.


	13. Chapter 13

Jess swung her legs back and forth as she perched on the kitchen stool and sipped her wine. She watched James pacing round the kitchen with a towel slung over his shoulder and his shirt sleeves pushed up his forearms, mumbling instructions to himself as he prepared dinner. After the first few weeks of their relationship Jess had become more aware that James liked to be the one who was in control in the kitchen, especially his kitchen and after a small battle of wills she'd had to take a back seat for a while which she didn't always enjoy. She loved to be cooked for as a surprise but on the whole she liked to cook for people and make them happy with a full belly. But it was his apartment and she had to learn to hang up her apron every now and again. Also, there was nothing wrong with seeing an attractive man who happened to be a whizz at filleting a fish.

She had never actually been with a man who could rival her in the kitchen before. She was pretty sure Spencer had never crossed the threshold from the living room, Russell had people who did it for him and Nick...well Nick had at least tried. Nick's culinary skills had a lot to be desired, but he had always made an effort for her if she'd had a long day at work. It was sweet even if he did frequently forsake whatever recipe he had found on the internet and freestyle using whatever ingredients he found in the back of the cupboards. His peanut butter steak had been a particular favourite. She smiled at the memory remembering how proud of himself he had been as she leaned lazily on the counter, momentarily forgetting where she was and only registering at the sound of James' voice.

"What are you grinning at, you're like a Cheshire cat?" He smiled inquisitively.

Jess immediately felt her face heat up as she was caught out, hoping that it didn't look as red as it felt. "Oh nothing I was just thinking about silly stuff."

"You getting lost in that crazy head of yours again?" He laughed airily as he stirred the pan on the hob with alarmingly precise strokes.

"I guess she laughed." Jumping off her seat to walk round the counter and stand behind him as he cooked, distracting him from the conversation. She rested one hand softly around his waist as she continued to casually sip her wine with the other. He acknowledged her with a peck on the lips and then returned his attention to the saucepans.

"So Jess I've been thinking about us going on vacation together."

"Oh." Jess instantly loosened her arm on his waist bringing it slowly back up to cup her wine glass. She hadn't meant to back away from him but he had caught her a little off guard. She tried to style it out by moving to grab plates out of the cupboard. She felt her pulse quicken as she listened to him talk, trying to masquerade her unease by setting the table meticulously, every knife and fork exactly an inch away from the place mats.

"Yeah you see I have conference in Salt Lake City in July so I've arranged for you to fly out and meet me the day after, then we can drive over to my parents in Colorado. My sister will be there too but I've told my parents and they're totally cool with us staying. They have a pretty big house."

"Whoa sounds like you have this all planned out." Jess' head was spinning, it was a lot of information to get in under a minute.

"Well you know I just like to think ahead and I think it could be fun plus we've been together for like eight months now so I think it's time for you to meet my parents you know."

It took a lot to render Jess speechless but she was pretty sure it had just happened as her head felt void of all coherent thought. She knew that what he was saying made sense on some level but she just couldn't process it, she wasn't used to somebody making these decisions for her and planning it out so methodically. All of a sudden Jess felt completely uncomfortable in her own skin, she felt irked and she really didn't know why. Everything he was saying was supposed to be all the things that made a girlfriend content and happy but she didn't feel either of those things. She could feel a harsh heat bubbling up from low in her belly and she realised she was getting angry. She was certain that wasn't the reaction he would be expecting, hell it wasn't the reaction she was expecting but here she was. She gritted her teeth and continued to straighten the coasters on the table before pausing to take a very large gulp of wine. As the noise of rushing blood and swilling wine diminished in her ears she became aware of him calling her name and she snapped her eyes back into focus to meet his.

"Jess...what do you think?"

"Um...yeah, sure, whatever."

* * *

Nick prised his right arm from under Lauren and shook it vigorously trying to wake it up. He grimaced as the pins and needles shot up and down his arm rendering it almost useless.

"Sorry have I been lying on it too long?" Lauren asked, her voices a mix of tiredness and concern.

"No, no it's fine it'll wake up in a minute." He lied. She had been lying on it for the past hour and a half as they had watched movies on the couch but he had been too lazy and comfortable to move. As the tingling dissipated and the sensation gradually returned Nick stretched his arms over his head letting out a loud yawn as Lauren sunk back down into the couch stroking the exposed part of his belly where his t-shirt had lifted in the stretching process.

"Hey quit tickling me." He chuckled as he quickly lowered his arms.

"Well come back here then." She whined pretending to pout.

"I can't I need to leave for work in twenty minutes and I gotta grab a shower."

"Boo" She moaned without much conviction as she started to pick at her fingernails.

"Why do you come to the bar later and we can spend some time together?"

"Honey I came to the bar last night." She sighed without looking at him, suddenly her nails were far more fascinating than the prospect of spending time with him in his place of work.

"Ok, well I mean you don't have to I guess...I just thought..."

"It's no fun for me at the bar." She tried to laugh it off. "I want you to myself, it's boring to watch you work all night." She leaned forward, ruffling his hair flirtatiously and smiled away her insult but Nick suddenly found it hard to match her playfulness.

"It's boring?" He questioned, his brow furrowing and his mouth curling downwards in offence.

She lowered her hand from his hair as she noticed his face had changed a little. "Well not boring, just not fun...for me."

"Ok got it...I'm sorry my life is so dull to you Lauren." He lifted her legs from his lap and pushed himself off the sofa but she grabbed his hand to stop him.

"That's not what I meant Nick."

"Well it's what you said...whatever, I need to take a shower or I'm gonna be late getting to my mind-numbing job."

"Nick! Wait." She called out but she called into thin air as she heard the bathroom door slam in the distance.

* * *

James' apartment was silent save for the delicate sounds of metal tapping and scraping against the china of the plates. James glared at Jess as he chewed slowly trying hard not to clench his jaw in annoyance as he did so. She hadn't met his eyes in the last ten minutes and had barely spoken except to say thank you as he placed the plate of food in front of her. Somehow, somewhere in the last half hour a switch had been flipped in her head and he had no idea why.

"Are you ok Jess?"

"Yeah I'm fine."

"You don't seem fine, you seem pissed off. What's going on?" He asked with a hint of irritation in his voice that threatened to turn into full blown anger any minute. She set her knife and fork down on her plate a little harder than she intended and finally raised her angry eyes to meet his.

"You know what I am pissed off!"

"Ok now we're getting somewhere. Can I ask why?" He tried to keep his voice level as his annoyance started to escalate.

"You just planned a vacation, a vacation including meeting your parents no less, and you didn't even think to talk to me about it."

"What's the big deal?"

"What's the big deal?!...Um meeting your parents, that would be the big deal James. You can't just spring these things on me."

"Why are you being so crazy about this Jess, it's a normal thing to want to do in a relationship. I'm 35 I don't have time to mess around."

"Oh you think I'm just messing around?"

"Well where is all this coming from? I didn't realise my family were that much of a challenge."

"This isn't about your family, this is about you. Why can't you ask me things, why do you always need to control everything?"

"I'm not controlling everything, it's called making a plan Jess. It's what grown ups do"

"Yeah well why do you have to plan stuff all the time James, there's no spontaneity, it's annoying!"

Jess' mouth dropped open slightly at her words and she had no idea where to take it from there. Neither did James apparently as he dropped back in his chair chewing hard on his tongue while he glared at her in utter confusion. She wasn't sure where it had all come from, thirty minutes ago they had been fine and now he looked like he wanted to throw her out of his apartment. At a loss what to do with the mess she had made she figured she would save him the trouble.

"You know what? I'm not so hungry anymore." She bunched up her napkin and dropped it on her plate pushing her chair back quickly and firmly causing a loud scrape on the floor and making him wince.

"Jess where are you going?"

"I said I would meet Cece at the bar" She mumbled like a scorned child but was unable to alter her mood.

"Jess this is ridiculous!" He held up his hands in exasperation.

"I'll see you later."

"Jess!" He called after her as a vibration rippled across the wooden floor at the slam of his front door.

* * *

Nick scrubbed the droplets of water off his body with an already damp towel and then dragged it up the back of his neck to rub it roughly over his hair, for some unknown reason he had decided to take his frustration out on the towel and his skin apparently. He sighed as he looked at the reddening skin on his chest and stomach and decided he was probably dry enough. It was a delaying tactic, he knew it. He had overreacted to what Lauren had said and now he was dreading going back into the living room because he knew she would pounce on him and interrogate him about what his problem was, and the simple fact was he didn't know. She had struck a nerve, a nerve he wasn't even aware was sensitive and now he just wanted to get out of the loft and get to the bar. Part of him had been regretting agreeing to cover Cece's shift but if it meant a few hours to himself maybe that wasn't such a bad thing.

He pinched his towel around his waist and opened the bathroom door, he paused for just a moment allowing all the steam to filter into the hallway and then he began to march to his bedroom, expecting her to jump on him before he made it to the door but he was met with nothing but silence. Not even the sound of the TV could be heard in the background. Stepping into the living room he instantly noticed a small piece of paper on the couch cushion where she had been sitting and he sighed in annoyance before stamping over to pick it up.

_I've gone home, when you have calmed the hell down give me a call!_

Scrunching the note up in his clenched fist he blew out all the air in his lungs and shook his head. This had been an unnecessary argument and one he could definitely have done without. It had been the fourth or fifth one this week, once again stemming from something trivial that they both struggled to recall the next day. Throwing the note at the trash can and missing he trudged back to his bedroom to change.

* * *

Jess pushed the door to the bar heavily, hurting her wrists at the force making her form her mouth into a silent 'O' at the quick sting of pain. She wrestled with her bag in frustration as it fell from her shoulder after being jostled around with her frantic walking. She slung it back over her arm with a grunt of exasperation. In the midst of her mild tantrum she failed to notice Nick collecting glasses from a table next to the door but he sure noticed her, so did the patrons at the table who offered him a couple of raised eyebrows, they knew that Nick was going to have to go and deal with this moody, drama riddled stranger. Stacking the glasses quickly and balancing them along his arm precariously he called after her but in her urgency to get to the bar she didn't hear him. All he could see was her short, black skirt swishing chaotically as she walked and her hair bouncing almost angrily from behind. He didn't think it was possible for someone to have angry hair.

As she flopped down on a stool to the right of the bar he walked up next to her and set the glasses down on the bar heavily making her jump out of her skin. He couldn't help but smirk as she pressed her hand flat over her heart, her eyes wide at the sudden noisy intrusion.

"Jeez Nick you scared me."

"Sorry" He smiled, secretly enjoying her cute reaction.

"What are you doing here I didn't think you were working tonight?"

"I wasn't, I said I would cover for Cece, her cousin is in town for the night. It was all pretty last minute."

"Oh she's not here?"

Jess' face fell just a little and a long silence ensued as she waited for Nick to make his way round to the back of the bar, her eyes following him the whole way round as he did. Finally he spoke back to her loudly, his voice softening the closer he got.

"Uh no...just little old me I'm afraid."

She started to fidget in her seat messing with the strap of her bag like she was ready to take flight and bolt from the bar. He came to stand directly in front of her, resting his palms flat on the bar on each side of him, watching her with fascination as her mind and her body had an internal argument as to whether she should stay or leave.

"You know you can stay and have a drink Jess."

"Yeah I know I just..."

But she trailed off as he turned his back and bent down to the small fridge behind him giving her a splendid view of his behind which made her instantly dive into her vault of memories and picture the thousand times he had walked away from her bed naked after making love, giving her an all access view to his surprisingly peachy butt cheeks. She didn't quite manage to raise her eye level in time as he turned around with a bottle of wine and a glass in his hands and the edges of his mouth turned up ever so slightly, the corners of his eyes creasing into a smile and making her blush.

He wordlessly poured her a glass and felt a little tension leave his shoulders as he noticed her take her bag off her shoulders and hang it on the back of her chair. Things had been a little strange between them since his birthday, neither of them had said it but being alone together had become something of a challenge again in the last two weeks. He truly believed he was starting to master the art of being her friend again, after all he had been so good at it before they got together, but now he was back analysing her every move, word, breath to figure out what was going on between them. The moment they had shared had been indescribable, literally, as in neither of them could explain what had happened or articulately tell their story to another person. They had no clue, but it had been something and it was those '_something'_ moments that cruelly reminded them that fate had no plans to deal them a simple hand. A lot was still unsaid.

Peeling his eyes away from her he screwed the cap back on the wine and placed the bottle on the lower bar, resuming his earlier position.

"Thank you." She pulled the cool glass towards her slowly and chanced a look into his eyes which were boring into her, willing her to talk to him.

"So how are things? How's Lauren?"

"Good, everything is great." He lied through a half smile which played only across his mouth and not his eyes making her wonder what was happening between them for him to lie to her.

"What about you? Everything good with James?"

"Yeah, couldn't be better." She nodded slowly avoiding his gaze which told him something was definitely off.

She took a big gulp of wine and taking advantage of the quiet night he cracked open a beer. This was going to take them a while, this was one big old onion and they both needed to get peeling.

* * *

There was no two ways about it, Jessica Day had officially crossed the line to being drunk. She had breached her two glass limit and allowed Nick to pour her a third. He knew she was more than a little tipsy and he wasn't being exactly what you would call a good influence but the truth was he didn't want her to leave. They were having a nice time. She had started to relax after the first glass and he had mellowed once the conversation drifted away from the respective relationships. Now he was leaning on the bar, inches away from her and laughing heartily as she told him her story of wearing two odd shoes to school.

"Only you Jess." He laughed, unable to take his eyes of her.

"It's not funny Nick, one of the kids took a photo and put it on the internet." She watched him closely as he reacted to her story, she loved to see him smile, really smile. It was like finding buried treasure. His eyes crinkled and dimples that wouldn't look lost on a five year old appeared deep in his cheeks. She let out an airy laugh into the bottom of her glass as she stared at him, hoping he wouldn't notice the liberty she was talking. He didn't notice as his attention was snatched away by Big Bob yelling from the other side of the bar.

"Hey Nick you ok to close man, I gotta shoot."

"Sure, later Bob!" He offered Bob a small salute as his big stature disappeared through the door. It was only then Nick noticed how empty the bar was, in truth he had completely lost track of time. Jess had a tendency to do that to him. Jess followed his eye line to the empty bar behind her and noticed the last two customers nursing only a centimetre or two of alcohol left in their glasses. She reached for her bag and jumped off the stool.

"Oh I better go. You gotta close up."

"No!" His voice came out a little louder and more urgent than he had intended it to, so he immediately softened it trying to curb his desperation but it was too late. "I mean you don't need to leave, stay for another drink, I'll join you."

"Um...ok" She wasn't sure, it seemed like a bad idea but at the same time she knew nothing in the world was going to make her leave the bar in that moment. She picked up her glass and bag and wandered over to a booth as Nick ushered the last two patrons out into the night.

* * *

Nick felt the warm, sting of the whiskey hit the back of his throat and he welcomed the relaxing heat as it spread down to his toes. He opened his mouth wide and screwed his eyes as he witnessed yet another peanut bounce of his cheek. He couldn't help but laugh as he watched Jess on the other side of the booth squinting hard with one eye to try and improve her aim. She failed as she threw another which he heard bounce off the wall behind him.

They sat opposite one another with their feet resting on the other side of the booth. Jess rested her elbow on his size elevens while he allowed her stocking clad feet to rest casually against his thigh. They were on their second packet of peanuts and while Jess was pleasantly full due to Nick's good aim, Nick sat amongst a litter of nuts and scattered salt. He had no idea what time it was, he didn't care, it was the most they had spoken in the last two weeks and he was loving every second of it. Although neither of them had mentioned Jess' mood on arrival or his question-dodging or what might be causing such behaviour in both of them. He didn't want Jess to be upset but he didn't know if he had the stomach to listen to her talk about James and what he had done to hurt her, the fact that James had any sway over Jess' emotions was enough to bring on the nausea. Jess hadn't exactly quizzed him either.

In mild frustration at her lack of coordination she fired six peanuts at him one after the other, all of them landing somewhere in his hair. She pressed her hand over her mouth as she laughed and immediately she was on all fours crawling around the seat of the booth toward him. He held his hands palms up feigning disbelief as he allowed her hand to ruffle in his hair releasing the nuts swiftly. He tried to control his inane grin as he enjoyed the feel of her fingertips against his scalp, it had been a long time.

Rather than return to her seat she slumped down next to him, stealing a sip of his whiskey as her wine was now too far out her reach for her to deal with. With her new angle she struggled to make her feet reach to the other side of the booth so she rested them on Nick's outstretched shins absent-mindedly before remembering herself and hunching them up to her chest, wrapping her arms around her knees and hugging them to her.

Their new-found proximity had caught them both a little off guard and their laughter died down, the silence reminding them that it really was just the two of them once again. The brief pause in their antics was enough time for thoughts of their earlier evening to seep back in. Nick allowed the muscle in his neck to give way and flopped his head against the back of the booth watching Jess' profile as she sat next to him, she looked so dainty all hunched up in a ball, he felt a sudden urge to put his arm around her but he resisted and clamped his hand firmly between his thighs. He watched her shoulders rise and fall with vigour as she let out a loud sigh.

"Ok what's going on Jess."

"Nothing."

"Come on I know you, I know when something's wrong."

She shook her head slightly, repelling the thought of having to tell him about James and making him feel bad. "I don't think we can talk about it Nick."

"Jess come on I can deal with it, I just want to know you're ok, that's all that matters to me"

She paused, weighing up her options before she spoke "It's nothing it's just..."

"Jess?"

She breathed out heavily and licked her lips to delay the words. "James and I got into a stupid fight and I don't know why, I never really know why. The things is I know I overreacted, I know I did but I just had no control over it...I just...I'm sorry Nick you don't want to hear this."

She was right he didn't want to hear it, but he did want to know she was ok, he needed to know she was ok. The thought of anybody hurting her was unbearable to him. He couldn't lie there was a small, twisted part of him that wanted to hear that they were having problems but he supressed it hard as his selfishness overwhelmed him. No matter what he thought of James or their relationship, he never wanted to see Jess in pain or unhappy. Once upon a time he had always been around to make sure that never happened but now he had to put some sort of faith in James that he was taking care of her when Nick wasn't there. There was an immense pressure that Nick was putting on James' shoulders, whether James was aware of it or not.

He watched a Jess removed her glasses and rubbed her temple with the her fingertips and his heart ached to comfort her the way he used to, to touch her, to hold her but her couldn't and it was killing him. He could only ever rely on his words now which didn't always do him justice.

"What happened Jess?" He spoke softly trying to make her open up to him.

Jess turned to look at him and scanned his face to be certain he was ok with her talking about James. As his genuine expression made her yearn to touch his cheek she faced forwards again and began to talk.

"He just, he made all these plans for us to go on vacation and he didn't even ask me. I know it sounds ridiculous now that I'm saying out loud but it's a big deal and I don't know if I'm ready." Nick's heart leapt but his face stayed neutral as he remained silent and let her continue. "He just does things, he makes these plans all the time and I always end up just going along with them because the 'wheels are already' in motion...or whatever." He gave a small smile as she used her air quotes and mimicked James' voice very inaccurately.

Nick listened to her talk, he was in no position to give advice morally or emotionally, he was way too invested. But to simply listen to her and be able to swallow the words was a huge step for him. Her voice was low and soft and soothing to him and he gazed at the side of her face taking in her long eyelashes which now held a hint of moisture as her emotions got the better of her. She wasn't crying exactly but it was enough for Nick to forget himself as he ran a hand up her back to rest on the back of her neck stroking softly and feeling the soft skin underneath his fingers. He wasn't even aware he was doing it until she turned to look at him, her eyes running up and down his face and landing on his lips every few seconds. He coughed and pulled his arm away wrapping his hand tightly around his glass.

"Sorry" He said meekly, suddenly nervous.

"It's ok." Her voice was so soft, almost airy as the lump in her throat hindered her in getting the words out. She could feel the alcohol making her fuzzy but it wasn't enough to deaden her senses which were now suddenly waking up. She liked being comforted by him, she liked the feel of his hands on her, she always had. Trying to recapture whatever it was they had shared seconds ago she leaned back in her seat, lowering herself down a little and hooked her arm around his, her hand curling around his flannel covered bicep and squeezing ever so slightly. She leaned her head back against the booth and watched him uninhibited as his eyes were so fixed in his lap he didn't notice her staring or that she had started to idly stroke his bicep with her thumb. Or maybe he had noticed and just didn't want her to stop.

"So what happened with Lauren?" She enquired without raising her head.

He shook his head and let out a small laugh although there wasn't a hint of amusement on his face. "I don't even know." He leaned his head back against the booth also and let it drop lazily towards hers so they were just millimeters apart. "I think I might have overreacted too. One minutes I was asking her to come to the bar and the next she was was telling me my job is boring...then after that she left. Pretty stupid huh."

"No it's not stupid."

"I don't know I guess she touched a nerve or something. This job might not be much but it's mine and I care about it."

"I know. I know you do." She spoke softly, almost lazily as she listened, her eyes transfixed on the tensing and relaxing of his jaw as he talked.

"She always wants me to do stuff and I do it, but when I ask her it's like she can't be bothered, she can be ...I don't know...lazy with me."

Jess blinked slowly and let out a small giggle causing him to turn his held and look at her questioningly. "Why are you laughing?" He queried with a small smile. The sight of her mouth curled up and her crinkled eyes was contagious.

"You're not happy because your girlfriend isn't making plans with you and I'm not happy because my boyfriend is. That's a turn up for the books huh?...I wonder what is does take to make us happy"

Nick let out a breath of air that served as a laugh but his unwavering eyes told a different story as the melancholy weighed heavily on them. Both of their faces fell serious as they stared intently at one another, both unsure of how they found themselves like this again when the evening had tried to start them off on a very different course. They were walking a dangerous line and yet it felt like the universe wouldn't have them anywhere else, with anyone else.

Overcome by the intensity, Jess dropped her head to his shoulder and squeezed the top of his arm tenderly, her thumb continually stroking against the soft material of his shirt. She closed her eyes and inhaled the familiar scent of him as she pressed her face into his strong, reassuring arm. She revelled in the safety she felt. He lay his head against hers just barely, her hair tickling his mouth as his lips hovered over the crown of her head, desperate to press a kiss there.

He closed his eyes tight and clenched his jaw willing the moment to both end and last forever.


	14. Chapter 14

Jess cracked open her eyes at the sound of knocking at the front door of the apartment. For a few brief moments everything was just fine until a pounding pain settled right between her eyes as she peeled her tongue slowly from the roof of her mouth. Oh god, why had wine seemed like such a good idea the night before when in that moment it felt like the worst creation ever. She threw back her covers and swung her feet to the floor, her body immediately objecting to the sudden movement as more blood rushed to her head making it throb relentlessly. Somehow she got herself vertical and draped her dressing gown around her shoulders, every action proving to be an immense challenge. She pressed her thumb into the corner of her eye socket as the door knocked again, trying and failing to alleviate the pain.

Trudging to the door she spotted Cece at the other end of the hall looking in a pretty similar state to Jess. She assumed Cece had enjoyed her night out with her cousin a little too much. They gave each other a sympathetic head bob when words took too much effort. Reaching the door Jess pressed her palms flat against the wood and raised herself up on her tiptoes to look through the peep hole. She immediately turned back round to face the apartment, slamming her back against the door in a mild panic.

"Look Cece if he asks I was with you last night ok."

"What?...he who?" Cece shook her head in confusion, wincing at the sudden volume of Jess' voice.

"James!" She quietly barked as she shook her hands in panic. "Oh and you're hungover too...that works...good."

"Ok Jess you do your thing and I'm gonna get some coffee." Cece drawled with no clue what Jess was doing or saying.

Jess took a few deep breaths and tried in vain to straighten out her hair before turning to open the door. As their eyes met his face was somewhere between sympathetic and mildly unimpressed. He looked so fresh and well turned out that it made her feel even more icky and she hugged her arms around her waist in a hopeless attempt to shield herself from his view. Without a word he held up a bag of bagels and a cup of coffee in front of her and she smiled, standing to the side of the door frame to let him in.

Strolling into the living room he noticed Cece perched at the kitchen counter clutching a coffee, her face resting so hard on her hand that her cheek was all smushed up to her eyes which were tightly closed as she willed her headache to subside.

"I see you ladies had a good night." James chirped, with an undeniable note of sarcasm to his voice.

"Uh yeah you could say that." Jess mumbled as she quickly glanced at Cece who had cracked one eye open to glare at her with a raised eyebrow. She was going to get a lot of questions from her friend after this, she could feel them brewing in Cece's alcohol hazed head.

After setting down the food and coffees, he looked away from Cece and spun on his heels to face Jess who was loitering behind him nervously. "So... can we talk?" He grabbed the tops of her arms gently as he spoke, forcing her to make uncomfortable eye contact with him. Cece piped up before Jess had a chance to answer. "I'll leave you guys alone, I could do with another couple of hours in bed anyway." With that she dragged herself back down the hall in a ghostly fashion and disappeared into her still darkened bedroom.

Jess and James walked to the couch and sat down, both of them perched on the ends of the cushions with their knees touching. James grabbed for Jess' hands to hold them in his and she let him. He had initiated the conversation but she knew it was up to her to finish it.

"Look James I'm sorry about last night."

"What happened Jess?" He lifted his eyes up from the hands he was holding to her face, giving her more of a puppy dog stare than she was able to cope with at that time of the morning.

"I don't know, I think maybe I just freaked out a little at the thought of meeting your parents. I guess it's a big step and I panicked that maybe...maybe we're not quite ready for that yet." The end of her sentence trailed off until it was almost inaudible. Almost.

"Ok...you know you could have just said that last night Jess instead of picking a fight and running away."

"I know I'm sorry" She felt like a child being scolded by her parents, it wasn't a nice feeling to have in what was supposed to be an equal relationship.

"Look Jess if you're not ready then you're not ready. I can't lie and say that I fully understand it because I thought we were at that point but I guess we're not so..."

"So what?" She enquired, slightly nervous about the response.

"So...we wait. You meet them another time."

Jess smiled, trying to hide the fact that her insides were still riddled with guilt that she was lying to him and that she had spent the whole evening with Nick trying her damnedest not to kiss him. Whatever battle Jess was dealing with James didn't deserve this, he didn't deserve to face all the repercussions of her uncertainty. She had to try harder. She reached her hands up around his neck and pulled him to her squeezing tightly.

* * *

As Cece finally surfaced from her bedroom, all she could see were Jess' legs in the hallway, her arm clinging to the door as her head and shoulders poked out. When Cece heard the sound of lips smacking, the sight of headless Jess became clear. She couldn't see James but she could hear his heavy breathing and groaning on the other side of the door. Finally Jess ran her hand down the side of the front door as she slowly pulled it closed. As Jess pulled herself back into the apartment Cece watched the smile fade from her face quicker than lightening.

"Alright Mrs you have some explaining to do." Cece exclaimed as she walked towards Jess reaching for her arm and dragging her to the couch. "So where were you last night if you weren't with James. I got home at two in the morning and your bed was empty." Cece waited expectantly, craning her neck towards Jess with wide eyes.

Jess sighed and covered her face with both hands rubbing her skin hard. "I was with Nick." She mumbled through her hands, scared to witness Cece's expression when she uncovered her eyes. Cece's eyes grew a little wider if it was even possible and she rested her hand on Jess' leg with a mix of concern and intrigue. "Jess did something happen?" She whispered even though there was nobody around to hear her.

"No" Jess was quick to force out. "No it didn't...nothing physical anyway."

"What does that mean?"

"I have no idea Cece, I'm so confused. Sometimes I think everything is fine, I can be with James and I'm fine but then..."

"Then what?" Cece urged getting impatient for Jess to get to the crux of the problem.

"Then when I'm with Nick I feel...I feel something...I feel everything and it's so confusing and it scares me."

"Jess are you saying that you want to..."

"No! No I'm not, look Nick and I tried and it didn't work. I can't go down that road again, I can't it hurts too much. Then there's James who is being so wonderful and planning vacations and asking me to meet his parents and I'm freaking out and I don't know why."

Cece knew why, she knew exactly why but her friend was too fragile to hear it at that moment so when her advice was set to do more damage than good Cece decided on the next best thing. Taking her mind of it, whatever that 'it' was.

"Come on!" Cece tugged hard at Jess' arm to pull her off the sofa.

"Where we going?"

"I'm meeting Schmidt for brunch and you're coming."

* * *

Jess and Cece both wolfed down their eggs and bacon as they listened to Schmidt wax lyrical about his new king size bed. Cece was way too engrossed in her food to notice the glances he was throwing in her direction as he tried to entice her with talk of his new comfortable bed. All Jess could do was sit back, listen and try not to laugh, although she was hardly in a position to be making judgements on anyone else's love life at the moment. Her head was still a little hazed with a dull pain but the nausea had at least subsided now that she had eaten. Any churning she felt in her belly now was niggling guilt which, unfortunately, was a little harder to shift. Still, the fresh air was making her feel a little better and the conversation which had centred almost solely on Schmidt's recent purchases was actually a welcome distraction. Part of her was desperate to quiz Schmidt over Nick's relationship with Lauren but she thought better of it, knowing her curiosity would probably get back to Nick.

They had got too close last night, they had both forgotten themselves and it got dangerous. They couldn't afford to dip in and out of each other's emotions every time they got confused or missed each other, it wasn't fair to either of them and eventually it would strip away at whatever friendship they had left. She missed him, she missed him every day but there was nothing casual about their relationship anymore and they couldn't afford to be flippant about it. Hugs, kisses on the cheek, touches of the hand, it all meant more between them, they couldn't do any of that half-heartedly so she figured maybe it wasn't right for them to be doing it at all. They wouldn't survive another break-up, they both knew that so they had to take that risk out of the equation, maybe they had to take a step back. Jess stirred her coffee idly as she pondered her relationship with Nick, unaware the Cece and Schmidt were both staring at her waiting for her to respond to them.

"What?" She straightened up in her seat as her gaze flickered between them both.

Schmidt chuckled as she awoke from her daydream. "I asked you how work was going, you said you had been a little stressed out the last time I saw you."

"Oh" She breathed out, glad that it was a conversation topic she could handle. "Uh it's ok I guess, the workload is a little heavy and they've piled all the school dance crap on me so I have that to deal with now."

"I thought you loved that stuff?" Cece enquired, a slight wave of concern passing across her face at Jess' sudden negativity.

"I did, I do but there is so much involved in getting it set up and I just have no time. It's the official end of year dance though so it's not like I can bail. Looks like I've got a long week ahead of me. If you don't hear from me I'm probably hanging from the bleachers by a banner or a balloon string."

"Jeez Jessica!" Schmidt laughed with genuine surprise at her very un-Jess like demeanour. "What's up with you, this isn't like you at all?"

"Nothing, I'm sorry I'm still a little hungover I guess."

"Ah yes your evening with Nicholas." Schmidt sipped his coffee peering over his cup with a knowing smirk.

"He told you about it?"

"He told me he was with you at the bar...why is there more to tell?" Schmidt leaned toward her just a little, lowering his voice as though they were being listened in on.

"No, we just talked."

"You're sure...?"

"Yes Schmidt! God"

"So there was no impromptu encounter or inappropriate touching leaving you two completely unable to be around each other anymore?" Schmidt reeled off casually like he was trying to get a rise out of her, or force out some information she might not even have relayed to Cece yet.

"No. Shut up Schmidt!" Jess barked with indignation but Schmidt remained unaffected.

"Well good because he's joining us in..." He looked at his watch as he slowly sipped his drink. "...oh about two minutes." He beamed, completely oblivious to the concerned and annoyed stares from Jess and Cece.

As Schmidt disappeared to grab a spare chair from another table, Jess turned to Cece with a look of panic on her face. "Oh let's go meet Schmidt...it will be good for you to get out...take your mind of it...not think about N.I.C.K." Jess spoke in an aggressive whisper as she mocked Cece's voice and now vehemently regretted agreeing to Cece's proposal to come and meet Schmidt.

"How the hell was I supposed to know Jess? Look it'll be fine it's not like anything happened between you guys. Just relax."

"This sucks" Jess flopped back in her chair, folding her arms like a petulant child.

"What's sucks?"

Jess' head snapped up at the sound of the masculine voice which has suddenly become involved in her and Cece's conversation. There he was in his jeans and blue t-shirt looking considerably less hungover than Jess did, if a little tired in the eyes.

"Oh nothing, just...the food." She stuttered, suddenly nervous around him.

"Then why are we eating here?" He laughed taking the chair from Schmidt as he returned to the table. She tried to laugh of her stupidity and compose herself but she had no idea how to be around him. She felt like they had done something wrong, but they hadn't. She was being crazy. "No the food is fine, I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm probably still drunk...actually I need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."

Nick watched her walk away from the table with speed, his face stunned into confusion. His heart sank as he realised she was freaking out, last night had made her freak out and now things were going to be weird again. He knew they had got a little too close but he hadn't figured it to be a bad thing. Apparently Jess felt otherwise.

"Is she ok?" Nick turned to Cece.

"Yeah, I mean she told you about the whole drama with James right?"

"Yeah she did."

Schmidt leaned forward on his clasped hands, his eyes darting back and forth between Nick and Cece as they spoke, he was desperate to know what was going on.

"She'll be fine." Cece continued "Its a vacation and making nice with the parents, she's done it before."

Nick burned his mouth as he gulped his coffee too fast in pure shock. He grabbed a napkin and pressed it to his mouth as he brought his eyes up to Cece who continued to pick at the remaining food on her plate, oblivious to the revelation. "She's meeting his parents?"

"Well yeah I mean she..." Cece looked at Nick and closed her eyes in realization that Jess had not been completely forthcoming with everything James had asked of her.

Nick scrunched the napkin nervously in his hand and tried hard not to grind his teeth as he processed the news that's his ex-girlfriend's new relationship had suddenly escalated to the serious level of 'meeting the parents' within thirty seconds. Nick knew Jess considered the parents to be a big deal, she had told him after he had questioned her once about why his Mom had made her so nervous at Walt's funeral. If it hadn't been for that unfortunate event Jess would probably have never gotten to meet his Mom, not as his girlfriend anyway. Nick's heart sank at the realization that he and Jess had never made it to that stage, he had never gotten the chance to sit down for dinner with Joan and Bob and explain to them how much he loved their daughter. Jess and Bonnie had never got the chance to bond over knitting or cooking, or making fun of Nick and yet here she was ready to do it with someone else.

Nick choked down the concept that Jess' relationship was more serious than he thought and the notion slid down his throat like razor blades.

* * *

"James please stop pouting" Jess appealed to him as she witnessed his face of thunder. She realised they weren't so much holding hands as she was dragging him to the bar.

"I just don't see why we have to come here again. This is L.A. there are a thousand bars in this city, why do we always have to come here?"

Jess knew there was more to his sulking than the fact she was making him go to Clyde's again, he was still bitter from their argument and the fact he'd had to change his plans for Jess. But she was in no mood for another fight so she played along to keep the peace.

"James you know this where I always catch up with the guys, we did this long before I met you. Come on we had all your friends around for dinner this week, you can do this for me."

"Fine" He leaned towards her and reluctantly pecked her on the lips without closing his eyes, instead his gaze was coldly fixed on the door to the bar.

Jess offered him a smile which he didn't seem to notice and turned, once again pulling him towards Clyde's. It was true she wanted to see the guys, she always did, but the reality was that she needed to clear the air with Nick. She had been super weird with him at brunch the day before and he had looked genuinely hurt by her behaviour. He had barely said two words to her. She couldn't be drunkenly over-affectionate with him one minute and then treat him like a stranger the next, that wasn't the relationship Nick had signed up for and it wasn't fair. The boundaries they had so crudely drawn in the sand all those months ago needed some redefining.

The bar was packed, Jess chanced a quick look at the booth where she and Nick had enjoyed each other's company a couple of nights ago. Now full of a group of twenty something girls it didn't hold the same appeal. She spotted Nick at the bar instantly, he was throwing glasses and bottles around in that sexy, confident way he did when he was rushed off his feet. After pausing momentarily to stare at him she began to walk towards the bar but she felt James pull her back.

"Why don't you go and get us a seat. I'll get the drinks." He mumbled miserably. Not so much a question as it seemed to be an order.

Jess looked at Nick and then back at James. "Um...yeah ok sure." She shrugged off her jacket uneasily and glared at James as he made his way to the bar, praying that Nick wouldn't be the one to serve him. No such luck. The second Nick saw James she watched as Nick's eyes immediately started to scan the room looking for her. She had plans to speak to Nick tonight but suddenly she was losing her nerve. Before his eyes had a chance to find her she skulked away to find the other guys.

* * *

A couple of hours into the evening Jess was glad to see James' mood brighten as he sat deep in conversation with Winston about firearms and police badges or something to that affect. She had been happy to catch up with Coach to discuss his secret new girlfriend who apparently he was only comfortable talking to Jess about and she was always able to vent a little to Schmidt about her troubles when nobody else was listening, he could be a surprisingly good listener when he put his mind to it. He ears were fixed to the table she was sitting at but her eyes were still fixed to Nick who hadn't come over all evening. When Schmidt made a move to get another round of drinks in, Jess took that as her opportunity to step in and go to the bar.

The bar was still busy enough so that James' couldn't overlook their one on one but quiet enough that she would be able to get a moment with Nick. She neared the bar and leaned over smiling at Big Bob as he kindly ignored her, understanding that she was waiting for Nick. As Nick finally turned toward her from the customer he was serving, she beamed at him but it was shortlived as his face was more stern than she was expecting. He came over to talk to her nonetheless.

"Hey Jess." He leaned his hands on the bar in front of her like he had done the other night but the distance between them seemed greater.

"Hey...how are you?" Jess winced at her pitiful small talk as Nick looked less than enthused.

"I'm ok...what can I get you?"

"Actually I was hoping to talk to you for a second."

"I don't know I'm kinda busy Jess." He wasn't certain what it was she wanted to talk to him about but he wasn't pretty certain he wasn't going to like it.

"Please it'll just take a second, I just wanted to talk about the other night." Here it was, the moment to clear the air and redraw those boundary lines, to tell him that they had got too close, to say that it wasn't good for them. But the words got stuck, the rehearsed sentences became a pool of random letters that no longer made sense to her. She didn't want to push him away, she didn't want moments like the other night to fade into the past. She wanted something else, she wanted something from him that she couldn't even identify. Her insides were lurching and begging him but no words came out.

Nick stared at Jess with a raised eyebrow as she seemed frozen to the spot. He watched as her mouth hung open slightly and her eyes flickered nervously behind her glasses but he got nothing. "Look Jess I'm sorry I don't have time and about the other night it was just..."

"Hey guys!" An unsettlingly chirpy voice chimed in interrupting their moment. Nick and Jess both turned to see a slightly flustered but happy looking Lauren drop down on the stool next to Jess laden with shopping bags. Dropping her bags at her feet she pushed herself up on the footrest of the stool and leaned over the bar to kiss her boyfriend.

Jess lowered her head and chewed the inside of her mouth as the sounds of Nick's lips smacking against Lauren's made her stomach drop to her feet. Lauren fell back onto her seat and leaned toward Jess offering her a hug and an uncomfortable kiss on the cheek. It has always made Jess uneasy, Jess was tactile but Lauren had gone in for the over-familiar hug the very first time they had met and it had never seemed sincere. It was all floppy arms and weak hands.

"Hey Lauren how's it going?" Jess spoke weakly trying to hide her annoyance at Lauren's perfectly permissible but frustrating intrusion.

"I'm good thanks, I've just been out doing a little shopping and I think I got a little overexcited. I couldn't decide on one outfit for the wedding so I ended up getting five, isn't that ridiculous?"

"Oh you have a wedding?" Jess enquired innocently.

"Yeah I'm so excited." Lauren spoke gleefully as she pushed up her sleeves and fiddled around in one of her shopping bags to locate one of her dresses.

Jess turned to Nick for a resolution to the conversation in the midst of Lauren's distraction. He cleared his throat and tugged nervously at his earlobe "Um yeah...I invited Lauren to come to Chicago with me for Jamie's wedding." Nick bit his lips into his mouth trying to stay casual, he dared to look at Jess but the look in her eyes overwhelmed him immediately and he walked away leaving Jess reeling.


End file.
